Feeding tube in, Emmi Sue getting nourishment, Mommy relieved!

After a very emotional, difficult, gut-wrenching week, today's events have calmed me to such an extent that I almost want to scream with relief.  In the end, Emmi Sue did, indeed, get her feeding tube, and this life-saving procedure was done this afternoon.  The type of tube she has is called an Esophagostomy tube, better known as an E-Tube.  I will try to take some pictures of her but this has been a trying day for her, so she is mostly resting and I do not wish to disturb her.

A kitty named Newton, being syringe fed through the E-Tube.

I really wasn't sure how her first "tube-feeding" would go, but was very satisfied with the outcome.  Knowing how my Emmi Sue is, she wouldn't sit nor lie still, so it definitely could have been easier, but I still managed to feed her 20 cc's of food, some of her medications (the rest will be given later this evening) and a 5 cc's water flush to finish the process.  I will be feeding Emmi Sue this way every 4 - 6 hours, so we will be quite busy every single day.  I'm overjoyed at knowing that every cc of food which goes into her is saving her life that much more.  We are on the right track, hoping her life will continue on for more than just a few more months.

Aside from the robe and slippers, this is what I looked like at the vet today!

It's almost time for Emmi Sue's second feeding and as I'm still unsure of my "skills" at this, I'm going to stop this post rather abruptly.  It seems my blog has turned from MS to the life of my dear little kitty-child, but this is how life goes sometimes.  My priority is most definitely my sick baby girl, as I'm sure all of you can understand.

From confusion to clarity.. answers spoken in her purrs.

Today's vet appointment did not go as I had foreseen.  I was ready to talk with Dr. Ecker about how Emmi Sue had fallen over and a million other things I had written on the paper I took with me, but nothing went as planned.  As soon as we were in the examination room, Dr. Ecker put Emmi Sue on the scale and she had lost a half pound in one week.   The look on our vet's face almost mirrored the devastation I felt, but I reminded myself that I had chosen not to give Emmi Sue her subcutaneous fluids before going to the vet, so as to get a more accurate reading in her lab tests, and this contributed to her lesser weight.

For "cat people," I believe #7 could be changed to "Remember before you  hit me:  I have claws that could easily scratch your eyes out, but I choose not to blind you."

When I first read this post almost a year ago, I hoped I wouldn't need to utilize it for quite some time, but here I am, using it on my blog.  I am being faced with some terribly difficult decisions and not quite sure which way to turn, yet my heart is telling me what to do, and that is to keep fighting.  I'm just no longer sure that is what my baby girl wants anymore.  How can I know?  Why am I having so much trouble reading her?  Will I ever be sure of anything anymore?

Dr. Ecker has recommended putting in a feeding tube, which requires surgery, and I'm not sure how I feel about this yet.  I won't make a decision on this until we receive the results from her lab work tomorrow and I'm not even sure which way I'm leaning just yet.

As I was writing this entry, Emmi Sue jumped on my lap twice and has convinced me that, no matter what, she is not ready to leave me, and I am utterly relieved.  I am in no position to let my baby go just yet!  I am well aware that the time will come far too soon, but seeing her eating, hearing her purr each and every time I pick her up and feeling her sleep on top of me, all tell me that her time is not now, not yet!  Thank you, Emmi Sue, for telling your mommy what to do.  Your life, our story together, is not going to end until you say it is time.  I love you with all my heart forever and always. ♥

Emmi Sue's life never gets any easier

So Emmi Sue and I had another one of "those" weekends.  I had been at the kitchen sink when I turned around and she was half fallen over between the wet and dry food dishes belonging to Jinger and Allie.  I immediately picked her up and set her back on her feet, but she fell back down onto her left side.  Her left hind leg didn't have the strength to hold her up and from the look on her face, this frightened her as much as it did me.  I carried Emmi Sue to one of our carpeted rooms, so it would not hurt her as much, but she still could not stand on her own.  Her entire body was twisted to the left, even when I held her in my arms.

I called the animal hospital and they couldn't tell me anything over the phone except to take her in and they would run some tests to determine what the problem was, so this was my plan.  A few minutes later, Emmi Sue jumped from my arms and raced across the room as if nothing had happened.  I decided to keep my eye on her the rest of the evening to see if this happened again, which it did not, but her behavior hasn't exactly been the same as usual either.  She seems terribly depressed and has been hiding from me, twitching more than usual when she's in my arms (she's probably doing so when not in my arms, too), eating less and fighting me every single time I need to pill her.  I'm still succeeding in giving her all of her medicine, but she's making it far more difficult than ever.

I joined an online feline Chronic Kidney Disease (also known as Chronic Renal Failure) support group (Tanya's CRF support) via the phenomenal website http://www.felinecrf.org/ a few weeks after Emmi Sue's diagnosis and they have literally been my life saver's.  Not only have the moderators and members provided me with exceptional advice and questions to ask our veterinarian, but simply through sharing our stories, I've become friends with at least one very kind, sweet, supportive woman.  Honestly, much of my newly acquired knowledge of CKD comes from the information I have gotten from the members of this support group.

What I have learned through Tanya's support group is that there is a very distinct possibility that Emmi Sue could have metabolic acidosis, which, although this sounds like something having to do with stomach acidity, it's actually something far more serious.  Metabolic acidosis goes along with the anion gap being too high, and on October 16, Emmi Sue's results came back as 32 while the average is 13-27 mEq/L.  Symptoms (felinecrf.org) include weight loss, lean muscle loss, a bony spine, weakness, vomiting, twitching, mouth ulcers and breathlessness.  Emmi Sue has been displaying a bony spine, weakness and twitching, although today I've noticed her somewhat breathless after medicating her, but it could simply be from trying to fight me off so valiantly.

I hope I'm not becoming as one of those first-time parents who stresses over every little thing with Emmi Sue, but I don't think I am.  She's not an infant, but a very sick "old lady."  In cat years, she is nearly 78 years old.  Her body is no longer responding as it should and since cats age 1 human year every 3 months, I have to keep on top of every little change I see in her like never before.

I will admit that I'm about as tired as I'm sure Emmi Sue is that we've had to visit her doctor so often.  I also do not wish to prolong her life if there is no quality left in it, but the way she clings to my arms when I'm holding her tells me that she isn't done living yet.  She has so much fight in her and far too much love left to give to even consider not giving her every chance in the world to continue on.  And I, for one, will never back down.

**I called Dr. Ecker's office first thing this morning and she won't be in until tomorrow, although there is a different veterinarian in today.  I've chosen to wait until tomorrow afternoon to take Emmi Sue in for an examination as I know how calm she (usually!) feels with our vet, and taking her to see someone new would only bring her added stress.

More kidney issues in my near future?

I had an appointment with my new general physician Tuesday afternoon.  I made this appointment for a few reasons, the main one being that my right ankle and foot have been swollen for a little over a month.  I have also put on 19 lbs. in the last two months or so, most of which seems to be from retaining liquid, and I have been extremely concerned about this.  This doctor, Dr. Castro, had me go to the hospital for a Doppler ultrasound of my right leg immediately following my appointment, in case I had a blood clot, but luckily, no clot was found.  I need to go to the lab for a fasting blood draw as he is concerned I may have some kidney damage.  I honestly had not even thought of this possibility and am getting very upset that this may happen to me as I am focused on Emmi Sue and do not have the time, nor the patience, to be worried over myself.

It has been mostly "easy" to get Emmi Sue to eat the foods she needs to be eating, take her medications and put her on the road to recovery as in many things, she has no choice but to do what I say.  I wish life were that simple for me, but it seems I need to make some drastic changes in my life, whether or not I'm also diagnosed with kidney disease.  I do not take care of myself as I should, and really never have.  What is wrong with me?!!!  If not for myself, I need to be somewhat healthy for my three girls as they will get older and need more care as time rolls on.  They age so much quicker and need me to be strong, but the way I have been treating myself, I'm surprised I'm well enough to do as much as I have for my precious babies.  This needs to stop!  I know what I should be eating and even though I have been mostly purchasing much healthier snacks for the last few months, many more changes must be made if I plan on surviving this very possible kidney disease diagnosis.  FUCK!  I can't believe I may have this damn sickness, too.

The "funny" thing is that of my three girls, Emmi Sue is the one who is most like me in personality so it would seem almost logical for both of us to suffer from the same conditions.  She has trouble with blood sugar issues, as do I.  She's a moody little girl and well, me, too!  She's overly clingy, moody, jealous, extremely loving and the sweetest girl anyone could ever meet.  I'm not sure I'm as sweet as Emmi Sue, but we are definitely a LOT alike.  Just as my mom and I tend to suffer from many of the same illnesses, it seems my daughter and I will go through many of the same things, too.  At least neither my mom nor Emmi Sue have anything as terrible as MS, and of this I am eternally thankful.

Even though I don't wish to jump to any conclusions, I feel it's important to know the signs of Kidney Disease, being that it is far more prevalent than I had ever imagined.

10 Symptoms of Kidney Disease

Many people who have chronic kidney disease don't know it, because the early signs can be very subtle. It can take many years to go from chronic kidney disease (CKD) to kidney failure. Some people with CKD live out their lives without ever reaching kidney failure.

However, for people at any stage of kidney disease, knowledge is power. Knowing the symptoms of kidney disease can help you get the treatment you need to feel your best. If you or someone you know has one or more of the following symptoms of kidney disease, or you are worried about kidney problems, see a doctor for blood and urine tests. Remember, many of the symptoms can be due to reasons other than kidney disease. The only way to know the cause of your symptoms is to see your doctor.

Symptom 1: Changes in Urination

 Kidneys make urine, so when the kidneys are failing, the urine may change. How?

    * You may have to get up at night to urinate.

    * Urine may be foamy or bubbly. You may urinate more often, or in greater amounts than usual, with pale urine.

    * You may urinate less often, or in smaller amounts than usual with dark colored urine.

    * Your urine may contain blood.

    * You may feel pressure or have difficulty urinating.

Symptom 2: Swelling

 Failing kidneys don't remove extra fluid, which builds up in your body causing swelling in the legs, ankles, feet, face, and/or hands.

Symptom 3: Fatigue

 Healthy kidneys make a hormone called erythropoietin (a-rith'-ro-po'-uh-tin) that tells your body to make oxygen-carrying red blood cells. As the kidneys fail, they make less erythropoietin. With fewer red blood cells to carry oxygen, your muscles and brain become tired very quickly. This condition is called anemia, and it can be treated.

Symptom 4: Skin Rash/Itching

 Kidneys remove wastes from the bloodstream. When the kidneys fail, the buildup of wastes in your blood can cause severe itching.

Symptom 5: Metallic Taste in Mouth/Ammonia Breath

 A buildup of wastes in the blood (called uremia) can make food taste different and cause bad breath. You may also notice that you stop liking to eat meat, or that you are losing weight because you just don't feel like eating.

Symptom 6: Nausea and Vomiting 

A severe buildup of wastes in the blood (uremia) can also cause nausea and vomiting. Loss of appetite can lead to weight loss.

Symptom 7: Shortness of Breath

 Trouble catching your breath can be related to the kidneys in two ways. First, extra fluid in the body can build up in the lungs. And second, anemia (a shortage of oxygen-carrying red blood cells) can leave your body oxygen-starved and short of breath.

Symptom 8: Feeling Cold

Anemia can make you feel cold all the time, even in a warm room.

Symptom 9: Dizziness and Trouble Concentrating

Anemia related to kidney failure means that your brain is not getting enough oxygen. This can lead to memory problems, trouble with concentration, and dizziness.

Symptom 10: Leg/Flank Pain

 Some people with kidney problems may have pain in the back or side related to the affected kidney. Polycystic kidney disease, which causes large, fluid-filled cysts on the kidneys and sometimes the liver, can cause pain.

Of course, almost every single one of these symptoms is masked by my MS, making it impossible to differentiate between what I have become accustomed to and possible kidney problems.  So to this I say STUPID, FUCKING MS!!!!!

Take, for example, fatigue.  Hmm, people who have MS usually feel quite fatigued.  Then there's the "skin itching" symptom.  I've had this symptom with my MS for many years, so there is no way I could have associated it to kidney problems.  Food tasting different, well yes, I've noticed this but I also started a few new medications this year and I assumed this was why my taste buds were slightly out of whack.  I like the "dizziness and trouble concentrating" one most of all.  Hello, I have MS!  These things are a way of life for me!  Thank goodness for Meclizine, or I would be flat on my face because of my severe chronic vertigo. As for trouble concentrating, all I can say is DUH!  It goes hand-in-hand with having MS.

Alright, I won't jump to any conclusions just yet, but I feel I may be headed towards more severe health problems if I don't get my butt into gear.  I plan on going to the lab tomorrow to have my fasting blood draw so I can get these tests under way.  I won't even attempt to hide that I am concerned that kidney problems may be in my own personal future, but I guess if I have to learn to handle this, I will.

MS anniversary date rapidly approaching

MS has been on my mind lately.  Why, you may ask?  I believe we all have that one memory.. that one day which stands out above all others that we will never forget, no matter how much we wish we would or could.  That day, for me, will arrive next week.  Monday, November 12, will mark 22 years since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  It will also be the anniversary of having MS for more than half my life.  What's strange is that the number of years no longer matters to me, and this is a good thing.  I used to live in a state of depression for weeks on end (some years, it was months) and now, it's simply a number.

When I look back on the last 22 years, I try not to remember the young girl I was when I first learned I would have to live with this disease, but rather on how far I have come.  Nothing in my life has turned out the way I would have imagined but there are many things I wouldn't want any other way.

I am convinced that I would not have married when I did, had it not been for MS.  Yes, he was the wrong choice for reasons which are too numerous to count, but through that experience, I found I am much stronger than I could have imagined, I learned what NOT to look for in a man and absolutely most important, my three wonderful little girls came into my life.  For that last reason alone, I would marry that loser all over again as my life is wonderful and full of love because of my cats.

Sometimes, I ask myself if I would "take back" the MS if I could.  The truth is that at this point in my life, I don't believe I would.  The MS is a part of who I am and I no longer deny this fact.  I could live without the pain it causes but aside from that, MS has taught me patience, which is not one of my virtues, and how to stand on my own two feet, despite the many obstacles disability has thrown at me.  Am I saying I love my life just as it is?  Hmm, no, not exactly but I can't imagine it being any other way.  I do not, however, consider MS a gift.  Gifts tend to make us smile or squeal with glee, not burst in tears out of sheer devastation as our lives fall apart around us.  No, MS is hardly a gift.  MS is a day-by-day learning experience which, those of us who are so unfortunate to have, have no choice but to learn to make room for in our lives.

I have been so utterly distracted from my own pain lately, as I've been focused on Emmi Sue, that Monday's date almost went by unnoticed.  Wednesday, as I was marking the day off on the calendar and looking ahead to next week's appointments, I saw the date glaring at me.  When I see November 12, I automatically say to myself, 1990... the year of my diagnosis.  It's just an automatic thing to say, either in my mind or out loud.  It was a day when my entire life changed, though I didn't know how much it would be affected at the time.  Had I known I would still be ambulatory, 22 years later, so much stress, depression, anxiety and heartache could have been spared from that young girl, but that is one of the worst parts of MS.  No one can tell us the path our MS will take, no matter how brilliant our neurologist may be.  We simply need to live and learn.

Reflections on Emmi Sue and her latest vet visit

With each passing day, Emmi Sue and I grow closer and closer to one another and being the way that I am, I've spent time reflecting on things and the truth is that of my three girls, I have the best relationship with my Emmi Sue, and probably always have.  She has always had a very spitfire type of personality, along with the sweetest disposition followed with bouts of extreme jealousy and anger towards her kitty sisters. She really is so much like me, yet much sweeter and more visibly vicious.  OK, vicious is too harsh a word for her as she has never harmed Allie or Jinger, but nor has she allowed them into her heart.  It's more of a tolerance, but I suspect she would miss them dreadfully if they were not around.

Mommy, Emmi Sue, Allie and Jinger.. a long time ago!

It's funny how Emmi Sue can be somewhat "catty" towards her sisters and soooooo ultra sweet to humans!  Almost every single person who has ever met her falls in love with how wonderfully loving she is.  It's simply her nature to sit on peoples' laps or want to be held, yet she understands what a stern "no" means, so telling her this will stop her from leaping onto anyone's lap.  Well, unless she's absolutely determined to eventually be on your lap!  She'll patiently wait until your guard is down and then you are hers!  Resist her charms if you can, but I doubt you'll be able to hold back from rubbing her little chin or belly.

So all of this leads me to the results from Emmi Sue's most recent veterinarian visit, this past Friday.  I had had a few concerns, including her eating a bit less than usual, having less energy, becoming startled far too easily once again, as was the case at the beginning of this battle with chronic kidney disease, and I was very concerned about all this.

I honestly could not be happier with our vet, Dr. Carolyn Ecker.  I showed up at our appointment a half hour early, which turned out to be a very good thing.  She had no patients ahead of Emmi Sue so she had time to look over my two pages of questions, concerns and supplement suggestions.  She even went as far as going to the computer and researching one of the supplements (I knew she wouldn't have heard of this one), so she would know what it was before agreeing or recommending something different.

I am ecstatic to say that Emmi Sue's blood work showed much improvement (yay!) and I will continue doing what I have been giving her, with a couple added supplements.  I am beyond happy with how Dr. Ecker and I work so well together, making a wonderful team in Emmi Sue's healthcare.  And to think the previous vet had given my baby 2 weeks to a month to live!  Emmi Sue is feeling quite well and her diagnosis was already two months ago.  This goes to show how much some vets know, and how much the love and dedication of a stubborn mom can do for her baby.  Emmi Sue is happy, purring her little head off, eating well again and she wakes me each morning by climbing on top of me and nudging my face with her cold, wet nose.  I can't think of a sweeter way to awaken to a new day! ♥

I have my three precious girls.. Emmi Sue, Allie and Jinger.  It doesn't matter what life throws at us or where we are, as long as we are together.

I live in an organized sort of chaos, but it works for me!

Early this evening, I picked up Emmi Sue's aluminum hydroxide (ALOH) capsules and was happy to see they were not too large.  I had planned on "hiding" each one inside a half of a pill pocket as I do with all her other oral medications, but it was far too large to fit inside.  If I was to use an entire pill pocket, it would be far too big for her to swallow so it was time to rethink the situation.  I decided to try "pilling" her without the pill pocket around it and voila!  It was much easier than I had anticipated.  And for the first time ever, I found a type of cat treat that Emmi Sue LOVES!  Yay for Whiskas Temptations treats for cats!  I'm not a fan of cat treats (or dog treats, for that matter) as they are basically candy for our babies, but it was hilarious to watch her eat a couple treats and search for more.  She behaved as though those little things were "kitty crack"!  I think I have found a way to bribe her into behaving when pilling her and also when it's time to give her the subcutaneous fluids.  Not that she misbehaves, but she does get a bit antsy and if the treats will help calm her down, I'm all for it.

A couple weeks ago I wrote how my legs had been retaining a lot of fluid, and as much as I hate to admit to it, this hasn't changed.  Not only that but during the last month and a half or so, I've gained at least 12 to 15 lbs., although I'm desperately hoping that most of this is water weight!  I have never retained so much water in my entire life and my scheduled appointment, with my new general physician, isn't until November 13th.  Ugh, I sure hope some of this swelling goes down before that.  My ankles look absolutely hideous and my favorite slip on shoes are getting extremely out-stretched.  I believe it's time to invest in a new pair for when my feet get back down to their "real" size, otherwise I'll be tripping over my feet and the last thing I need is to fall flat on my face.

I also received the results to some blood work I had done last week at my endocrinologist's office and it has me extremely upset.  I hadn't realized I had been out of two medications, Zetia (for lowering cholesterol) and Omeprazole (for acid reflux) before having my blood drawn.  I had been wondering why I'd been having some heartburn issues lately, but hadn't put two and two together until my doctor's office called.  My bad cholesterol (triglycerides) was through the roof and after reading what this means, I'm doing all I can to lower it.  Of course, I called my pharmacy and apparently, I had called them the week before for a refill on both these medications and had forgotten about it, so I picked them up and have been taking them on a daily basis, as I always have in the past.  Second, I'm watching what I eat!  If for no other reason, I have to be here for my girls.  Who else would take care of Emmi Sue right now?  NO ONE!  My parents love my babies, too, but they have no idea what to do to keep her healthy.  I'd give my life to keep her well so in order to keep her well, I have to do everything in my power to get my ass healthy, too.  This was the wake-up call I needed and have needed for a very long time.  No more games with me.. my girls desperately need me to be strong and get healthy already!

It's nice to have fallen into a routine with my Emmi Sue.  When I get up in the morning (or afternoon sometimes) I make my one cup of coffee as I check my blood sugar, prepare Emmi Sue's food with the ALOH as Jinger meows her little head off at my feet, feed Emmi Sue on the kitchen counter as I take my insulin, place her on the floor and feed Jinger her own can of wet cat food and re-fill Allie's dry food bowl, get my Greek-style yogurt out of the fridge and mix it with 2 tablespoons Flax seed meal (helps lower cholesterol naturally) and finally, I prepare Emmi Sue's oral medications in one half of a pill pocket.  Whew!  Now I can sit and enjoy my slightly cooled cup of coffee and yummy, healthy yogurt before beginning the pilling and subcutaneous round of torturing my child!  Of course now that I have the ALOH capsules, I don't have to worry quite as much if Emmi Sue finishes her food or not.  If she prefers to eat from her sisters' bowls, I won't stress out as I used to as I know she's getting her medication in pill form, which is a huge relief.  But before I fell into this routine, I was running around (OK, more like hobbling) like a chicken with it's head cut off!  I could not remember what I was doing or how to do it.  Now, I have certain days circled to alert me when Emmi Sue is to receive one extra medication and other days when Jinger gets her anti-hairball formula smeared on her front paw.  I am so very organized, I impress myself! :)