Questioning peoples' reactions to Emmi Sue's CKD

It has been three days since Emmi Sue's last appointment and I've noticed her behaving a little bit more like her old self, at least from time to time.  I can't begin to express how happy it makes me to hear my baby purring and purring while she's in my arms, licking my chin, touching my face and staring directly in my eyes as she used to do.  She no longer seems to get spaced out or sit hunched over as she had been doing last week.  Oh, my baby is feeling better, I can feel it!

I will admit that since Emmi Sue was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD), I have fallen into a bit of a depression, but honestly, who could blame me?  One of my beloved babies is facing a life-threatening illness which will cut her life short, although I am doing everything in my power to not allow it to take her from me too soon.  A day like yesterday was something I needed more than anything as it gave me all kinds of hope and allowed me to smile once again.

Saturday evening I met with my parents, and a few of their friends, for dinner at a restaurant.  The lady who was seated across from me is someone whom I have known for a few years and kind of consider her more than just an acquaintance, but yet am often taken aback by many things she says .  Saturday was no exception.  As most of my parents' friends, she is Catholic, and I feel this makes her feel somehow entitled to "speak her mind" in a way she does not feel I should.  Allow me to elaborate.  When asked how I have been feeling, I explained that I have been extremely overwhelmed and a bit depressed over Emmi Sue, and her response was something to the extent of "death is a part of life."  She then went on to tell me how someone she knew had just put their dog "down" and how they missed him, but did she really feel this was the appropriate thing to say to me at this time?  If Emmi Sue were a human child with kidney disease, would her response been the same?

It sickens me how people assume my babies are just cats, simply because their pets are only animals in their eyes.  I have never treated my girls this way and it insults both me AND my babies when others treat us this way.  They are my family, dammit!  I wish people would be more considerate of how others may feel before saying such things.  I would expect such callous commentary from younger people, but not from a woman who was sitting with her granddaughter.  Had her granddaughter not been there, I would have said something, but then again, I was so completely taken by surprise by what she said, that I may not have reacted at all.  But here I am, still thinking about what she said, so it obviously bothered me quite a bit.

Jinger's lab results are great, Emmi Sue's, not so much

The vet called yesterday and I'm happy to report that my Jinger's lab results were phenomenal.  I only need to purchase one over-the-counter medication so she won't have such a hairball problem, but other than that, she's damn perfect!  Being a long-haired kitty who constantly grooms, hairballs have been a problem most of her life but have gotten worse as the years have gone by.

Unfortunately, Emmi Sue's results were nowhere near as good as her younger sister's.  I don't have the full report in hand, but our vet read me the most important results and for the most part, everything has gotten worse.  Our vet, Dr. Ecker, wants to switch Emmi Sue's fluids to something called Lactated Ringer's, which is administered the same way as the subcutaneous fluids I'm giving her now, so I have no problem with it.  I'll have more information about this on Friday at Emmi Sue's follow-up appointment.  She would also like to change the appetite stimulant I'm giving my baby, along with giving her an anti-nausea medication every three days.  I don't know more than this at the moment, but I'm sure we'll go into more details this Friday.

The close relationship I have with my girls is something I cannot put into words.  The trust Emmi Sue has in me at a time when I give her all kinds of medications and subcutaneous fluids, means so much to me and gives me the courage to continue forward in this battle against her Chronic Kidney Disease.  I love her beyond words and know she loves me just as much.

My Emmi Sue is such a dear, loving little baby and I can't even begin to describe how sweet she really is with me.  The last couple evenings, she has gently touched my leg so I could hold her in my arms, where she stayed for over an hour, cradled like a little baby. I love when she does this and I always wonder what sort of thoughts go through her mind when she looks up at me and reaches out to touch my face.  When I tried to put her on the floor, she clutched at my nightshirt so I was unable to do so and it made me want to cry.  Emmi Sue has done this many times before, but she seems to be holding onto me in such a desperate way lately, much more than usual.  I wish I could explain to her what is going on in her life or why it is that I need to stab her with that large needle every single day, but there's no way to do this.  She needs to trust me, which she does.  Maybe once she begins to feel better, she'll understand, but I just don't know.  All I do know is that I will go do the ends of the earth for my precious Emmi Sue, as I would for any of my girls.  I always knew I loved and adored them but when their health began to deteriorate, I really learned just how much I value them.  And babies, you are truly my life. ♥ Emmi Sue ♥ Allie ♥ Jinger ♥ The meaning in my life.

Waiting for a moment when I can finally breathe

I haven't written much about my MS lately and it's not that it hasn't been affecting me, but when one's children aren't doing well, even if my children are cats, they truly do become the priority.

After the stress of taking Jinger and Emmi Sue to our new veterinarian this past Friday, I have not been able to relax for more than a few minutes.  When I don't see Emmi Sue anywhere nearby, I become panicked and start calling out her name over and over again until she finally comes out of hiding.  I'm literally driving myself crazy with worry and probably making her upset in the process, yet she's still being relatively clingy, at least in the evenings.  During the day, she knows I look for her so I can give her oral medications and administer the subcutaneous fluids, but I also just want to hug and hold her close to my heart.  I'm very concerned as Emmi Sue was less interested in eating as much as usual yesterday, but hopefully, she'll be back to wanting to eat a bit more today.  To be honest, as much as I need to hear what the vet will tell me she found out in the lab results when she calls later this afternoon, I dread learning the results for both Jinger and Emmi Sue.

One thing I've learned during the last week and a half since my parents have been out of the country, is that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit.  No one has been here to hold my hand as I've been dealing with many difficult moments with my beloved kitties.  It's all been about me and my babies, without much outside influence, so this shows me that I need to rely on myself more and depend on others less.  I can do more than I thought I could.  Even when it comes to driving, I've proven to myself that I can do it!  If there's much walking once I arrive somewhere, well, that's the exception for me.  There's no reason to exhaust myself since being tired is when my right leg stops functioning and makes driving absolutely impossible.

The pain in my back, pelvis and hips has been off the charts lately, but I'm sure much of it is due to my not seeing my chiropractor since my parents left on vacation earlier this month.  Had I realized I was able to drive, I would have made a few appointments in their absence but there isn't anything I can do about it now.  Perhaps I'll schedule one for Thursday as the pain is becoming unbearable.  

Aside from this "usual" pain, I seem to be retaining an extortionate amount of fluids as my ankles and feet are huge!  Even when I was getting dressed yesterday and putting on one of my more comfy, looser bras, I was barely able to put it on.  Of course, this prompted me to weigh myself and I was shocked at what I saw!  The scale showed me at 12 lbs. more than just one week ago, which is completely insane.  Each day, I drink one cup of coffee and eat one 8 oz. Greek yogurt for breakfast (around 11 am or noon).  That's all I eat until around 6 or 7 pm, aside from drinking maybe a diet 7up and/or a bottle of water.  I admit that I have not been drinking enough water lately so I have made a point to drink much more today, but the number on the scale upset me quite a bit.  I mean, later in the day I still don't eat very much as I do not allow myself to purchase sugar-filled foods or junk types of items, so what has happened?  With my girls not feeling well, I've hardly had an appetite at all, but I think my lack of drinking water is the culprit so I'm trying to hydrate myself as my sausage legs are sickening to look at.  I miss looking down and seeing my bony feet and ankles!

I have also noticed my emotions less that stable this past month and it is worrying me.  With my next appointment with psychiatrist a couple weeks away, I'm not allowing myself to get too worked up about anything, but I'm sure she will be adding another medication to the one I am already taking.  The stress, worry, anxiety I've been under is getting to me and I don't need to have a break-down at a time when my sweet babies need me to be extremely focused.  Honestly, the last thing in the world I want is to lose my grip as their health and well-being is in my hands, as I am their mother.  I hardly take this responsibility lightly so I need to make sure I'm at the top of my game for them, if not for me, but I happen to like being well.  I just need to stay focused on them, what's best for them and me, and I'm sure things will fall into place, but this has been a very stressful time in our lives.  I only hope I can hold it together as things with Emmi Sue and Jinger's health may become more challenging, before they finally level off and we can coast along peacefully and I'm finally able to take a deep breath and exhale without too much worry.

On the road again.. anything for my girls!

I could not have foreseen the day I had, no matter how far I would have stretched my imagination!  As I mentioned last night, my Jinger has been throwing up quite a bit lately but when it happened again earlier today (four times in less than 10 minutes), I began to panic.  With Jinger already dealing with hyperthyroidism for a few years now, the last thing we need is for it to get worse or for another condition to arise.  I think I hesitated for all of 2 seconds before calling the new veterinary clinic to ask if they had received the fax from my current vet.  I figured that if they had, maybe they could squeeze us in today or, perhaps, tomorrow.  Even though they had not gotten the fax yet, this didn't stop the lady on the phone from asking if I could bring both Jinger and Emmi Sue in by 4pm (it was already 3:00).  I had not expected her to say this, but without hesitation I said yes, we'd be there!  This meant I would drive them myself, but I was ready to tackle the road as it was a kitty emergency and I felt my legs were strong enough to handle the task.

After meeting her and some of her staff, I'm positive my girls have a new veterinarian in Dr. Ecker.  She seems quite young but very knowledgeable and complimented me on the care I've given my girls.

With Jinger, Dr. Ecker was concerned as many times hyperthyroidism can lead to even bigger problems, such as kidney disease.  What?  Her, too???  Because of this and her needing to check Jinger's thyroid function, she did a full blood panel and the results will be in next Tuesday.

My beautiful, sweet baby Jinger

Then there's my Emmi Sue.  Dr. Ecker and I spoke for some time about this baby of mine as she looked over the full lab results I took with me from September 5, and the partial labs from September 25 and October 9.  As she took in the information on the papers in front of her and listened to what I told her, she agreed that Emmi Sue was in need of potassium supplements, something the previous vet felt was unnecessary.  She was also very concerned at how high my baby's creatinine, calcium and PCV have remained, even with treatment.  I am confident that with Dr. Ecker's help, we'll bring Emmi Sue's numbers closer to normal in no time, as she seems very proactive, understanding and wanting to face her illness head-on in a far more aggressive manner than the other vet had been.  As with Jinger, our new vet did a full blood panel on Emmi Sue and those results will also be ready on Tuesday.

As I was leaving the office, the fax came through from the other vet, so Dr. Ecker will have time to look over Jinger and Emmi Sue's medical history before their follow up appointment next Friday.  Luckily, my parents will be home from their vacation in Mexico next Thursday, so they should be able to drive us to the appointment, otherwise I guess I can do it on my own.  The truth is that I enjoyed being on the road again, but it was also a bit much as I was driving during one of the busiest times of the day and since I took two of my girls, I was forced to put them in the large kennel.  I much prefer the individual carrier since it is safer for them, not to mention easier for me to carry, but being that I only have one such carrier, I had no choice today.  Perhaps when my parents arrive home we can go to Petco and purchase another individual carrier so I will be able to seat belt both girls in the back seat next time I need to take both in at the same time.

Even without knowing the results of their blood work and not having gained any instant knowledge from the vet appointment, I felt such relief and a sense of calming wash over me almost immediately.  I know I took a step in the right direction in taking Emmi Sue and Jinger to this new clinic today.

♥Allie, Jinger and Emmi Sue-- you are my life and my heart and I love you more than you will ever know♥
~~ Your Mommy ~~

By the time I arrived home, ugh, I cannot even put into words how exhausted I was, both physically and mentally.  I'm always amazed at how forgiving pet-children are after they are somewhat traumatized at the veterinarian's office.  My girls know I'm the one who took them there, I'm sure they're know I'm aware of the tests they had done to them, yet they still leap back into my arms as soon as they can.  How is that they can be so perfectly forgiving and also understand that I would never mean them any harm, even though they are subjected to poking and prodding during examinations?  Sure, Jinger tends to fight back much less than Emmi Sue while at the vet's office but honestly, I think I'd be more like Emmi Sue if I didn't understand what was happening to me!  Oh, how I love my girls and their undying love and trust they have in me.

Hoping for less stress.. new vet, here we come!

My life has been anything but stress-free lately, especially on days I take Emmi Sue to the veterinarian.  When I took her in on Tuesday for the vet to teach me how to syringe feed her, the vet was surprised as she had no idea she was supposed to show me how to do this.  What?!  But we had discussed this on the phone!  I have watched a few videos online on how to do this, but I was hoping for firsthand instruction since my little girl can be a bit difficult when doing such things to her.  I was extremely upset and horribly frustrated.

Even when the vet first approached me in the waiting room, she thought I had only brought Emmi Sue in to be weighed, and nothing could be further from the truth.  I needed some blood work done to see how well (or not) she was doing since beginning her medications.  She seemed quite adamant about doing this but finally did so after much insistence from me, but I shouldn't have to demand care for my cat each time I take her in.  I also had a few questions written down and was not satisfied with her answers.  As I'm sure most of you have realized by now, if I don't know something, I take it upon myself to do some research and find the answers.  Of course, I've done this with Emmi Sue's chronic kidney disease (CKD), too.

I recently joined a sort of online support group for CKD and other cat illnesses.  I've been amazed with the knowledge these members (especially the leaders) have!  When I mentioned the amount of subcutaneous fluids (150 cc's) I give Emmi Sue and the high dosage of aluminum hydroxide she was prescribed, most of the members of this group were shocked beyond belief, causing me to wonder if our vet has any idea what she is doing.  My baby barely weighs 7 lbs. and perhaps these amounts are fine for a larger kitty, but my baby is tiny!  This got me wondering about many things and inspired me to search online for other local animal clinics and have found one that is a fully equipped clinic/hospital only 20-some minutes from me and have an appointment for both Emmi Sue and Jinger next Friday.  I would take them in sooner but my parents will not arrive home from Mexico until next Thursday, so this is the soonest I'm able to get them in.  Jinger began vomiting excessively a couple days ago (four times in one day), so I would like her looked at also.  She has had hyperthyroidism for a few years and it's time for her check-up anyway.

 This is why I do what I do.  I am my girls' voice!  If I don't speak up for them, who will?

What sold me on this clinic was how upset the lady from the clinic became when I was explaining to her (on the phone) the way my current vet has been treating me and my Emmi Sue.  I explained how our vet seems to believe my little girl is (gulp) already dead and is not going out of her way to do much for her.  This is NOT acceptable!  I can't believe it took me so long to react but after what happened this past Tuesday (and how depressed I became AGAIN because of her behavior), I could no longer sit idly by and allow this to continue.  My children deserve a doctor who will value their lives and work to save them!  This lady on the phone informed me that they have treated many cats with CKD and they've lived for many years.  THAT IS WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!  CKD is not an instant death sentence, but our current vet made me feel as if we're fighting against death from the day we came home that first day.  Well, no more of this negative crap!  Yes, I know Emmi Sue is 15½ years old so in all reality, she probably won't live another 10 years, but she WILL live at least a few more years and they will be happy ones.  You can be sure of that.

Being alone can be frightening at times

For the first time in a long time, I'm a little intimidated at living on my own.  It isn't anyone's fault that things have gone the way they have, as they just happened this way by coincidence.  My parents decided, a few weeks ago, to take a trip with some very close friends to Mexico City for a week and a half.  They left yesterday and will not be home until Thursday, October 18.  My brother left for Mexico a few weeks ago so they will all meet up and spend time together, which should be a lot of fun for them.

The part that has me freaking out a bit is that since my wonderful friend Dorraine was in the hospital last week, she is in no condition to help me out any time soon.  In an emergency, I can't call her to come over and this has me somewhat frightened.

The agency Dorraine works for is sending a new person to help me out throughout the week, but it's not a daily thing and it is nothing like having a close friend over every day.  I'm not complaining that the homemakers, as they are called, have not been helpful, but I miss my friend!

I am also concerned about something.  The lady who's coming out to my home Tuesday and Thursday lives near me but I need her to go to my pharmacy to pick some medications up.  Will this be an extra trip for her or will it be alright?  Dorraine never minded as she had a client in the same city as my pharmacy is located before coming to my home, but what if it's an issue with this other lady?  I'm sure it won't be a problem but I really hate asking anyone for favors such as this, even if it is considered part of their job.  Ugh, I'm sure I'm making far too much of an issue of this but when you can't rely on yourself to do things outside of your own home, you feel at the mercy of pretty much everyone.

I'm sure, after I call the agency tomorrow, I'll learn that there is no problem in this new lady picking up my prescriptions so I have no reason to stress over this, but hey, this is how I am.  I worry over small things until I know it can be resolved.

OK, so the good news is that my Emmi Sue continues to do well with her medications and the subcutaneous sodium chloride infusions I give her twice daily.  Tuesday is her next vet appointment so her labs will give me the full story on her true condition.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for my baby!

Dorraine is recovering and good news on little Miss Em

I'm very happy to report that Dorraine should be returning home from the hospital tomorrow.  I spoke with her daughter earlier today (yes, technically, it was yesterday) and she informed me of this as I have chosen not to call Dorraine directly so as not to disturb her, in case she is sleeping.  I was so relieved to hear this as I have been extremely concerned for my dear friend.  Hopefully, now she will be on the road to a full recovery, or at least back to a semi-normal life once again.

Yesterday, my parents took me to the veterinarian's office so I could pick up a case of cat food for Emmi Sue.  There were 24 cans of renal diet approved "wet" cat food waiting for me and all I could think was "I sure hope my baby will eat this!"  To my absolute surprise, and delight, once I liquefied her food in the blender, Emmi Sue devoured it.  The reason I needed to do this to the food is that when I serve any wet, chunky food as is, my girls tend to bypass chewing it enough and, well, they can't hold it down for more than a few minutes.  Also, I need to do all I can to hydrate Emmi Sue in any way possible, so I add quite a bit of water to the food before blending it.  Anyway, she gobbled it up as if she hadn't eaten in ages!  I was thrilled that she liked the flavor as this will be the food I will use when I need to syringe feed her.  Oh, and I was mistaken as to when that appointment is scheduled.  That one isn't until next Tuesday, the day I will also have her blood work done.

Life for me has taken on a whole new "look," for lack of a better word, since my little girl became ill.  If anyone ever doubted my sincerity when I call my kitties my children, I'm sure they can see how very serious I am now.  They are my absolute priority, with only my parents coming before them.  I do recognize my babies are cats and if my parents are in dire need of my assistance, they do take precedence.

My parents were at my house today and Mom watched as I gave Emmi Sue her subcutaneous fluids, and was amazed at how calm my baby was while I did this.  I'm sure it's very uncomfortable and annoying to be stuck twice daily, but she's been so good about it.  I hadn't expected my Emmi Sue to be so good about receiving this treatment, knowing how feisty and downright bitchy she can be!  After the first two times, I thought it would be a battle each time but it has been anything but difficult.  I love you, Emmi Sue. ♥

Some of my MS friends on Facebook have reminded me to make sure I take care of myself so my MS doesn't flare-up, especially with all the stress I have been under.  It means so much to me that they are concerned about me but the truth is that I no longer feel too stressed (keeping my fingers crossed for it to remain this way) and things have fallen into a nice, easy routine.  I will admit, however, that my hands have gotten terribly numb and my fingers are have lost so much feeling that the ones on my left hand feel extreme pain.  I'm not sure if this is from stress or not, but I'm choosing not to worry about it.  Also, today (yes, I men Tuesday) was the first day when I felt completely run-down pretty much the entire day.  The moment Mom walked into my home, it only took a quick glance for her to know I didn't have enough energy to go to the store, as we had planned to do after dinner.  I know it had a lot to with how poorly I have been eating lately as I haven't had the energy to prepare anything, even though most of the meals I have at home are quick, microwaveable meals.  I just haven't had the energy nor the inspiration to eat much the last few weeks.  I need to think of myself a bit more so I can take care of my girls, as they need me strong enough to handle all of this!