A few changes in my life ☺

It's definitely time to start writing again.  My last post was on..... January 21st?!!!  Ugh, I can't believe I've let so much time go by without writing a single word.

Mommy will always miss you, my sweet little girl! ♥

To start, I have hours, even days, when my mind is at peace since Emmi Sue's passing.  And then, wouldn't you know it, little Allie will walk by and do something that reminds me of her sister, and my emotions get the better of me once again.  Luckily, this is happening less and less frequently, yet still occurring far too often to say I'm dealing with her absence well.

About three months ago, some time in November, I joined a group on Facebook called Atheist Mingle, an obvious play on words of the xtian Mingle dating website.  Oh my goodness.. I love being a part of this Atheist Mingle room!  I have made some wonderful friends and we get new members on a daily basis.  When I first joined, there were barely 1,000 members, whereas now we have a little over 2,500 AND at least 16 couples in the five months of existence.  Not bad, huh?

I really have no expectations of meeting the man of my dreams in AM (I'll be abbreviating Atheist Mingle this way once I've written the full name out once on my post), or at least not in person.  I could be selling myself short in admitting this, but I prefer to live in some sort of reality than set my expectations too high.  I know my reality is bleak when my bank account shows less than $100 at any given time, I cannot travel because I have my girls (Jinger needs her daily medication and after how quickly I lost Emmi Sue, it's just not happening!), I have MS and I'm horribly overweight.  OK, maybe not horribly, but enough to make me feel a bit less than confident in my physical appearance at this moment.  It could have much to do in that I haven't gone out on a single date in about a year, but I'm not sure.  I haven't feel so unattractive in ages.

Oh, something I'm quite proud to mention tonight is that I smoked my last cigarette on Saturday, February 2nd, and have since taken up using electronic cigarettes (e-cigs) instead.  I found a brand which is disposable, rather than rechargeable, that tastes good enough and gives me enough nicotine to get by with just a few puffs each day.  I hope to eventually stop "needing" the nicotine, but I'm thrilled with how clear my lungs feel, my house no longer stinks, my skin looks better and my hair smells fantastic.  Best of all, and the main reason for quitting this habit, my girls no longer have to breathe in the crap I was putting into their air.  Hmm, I suppose having more money in the old bank account is a huge plus, too. :)

Falling in love all over again ❤

A couple weeks ago, when on my way home with Allie from her vet appointment, I stopped to buy a carton of cigarettes and on my way out of the store, I heard someone calling out my name.  It was Megan, one of the physical therapists, who had been coming to my home in the early parts of 2012.  We spoke for a few minutes and she asked me about my kitties, so I told her I had lost Emmi Sue to kidney disease last month and she expressed her genuine sympathy.  What caught me by surprise was when Megan said "I've finished taking two Copaxone injections."  It took me a few moments to process what she had just said, but then I remembered that her sister (and I think also her aunt?) has MS and she had been concerned that she may also get it.  I didn't know what to say but extended my hand to her and told her that I am always here for her if she ever has any questions and to please, check my older blog posts!  Oh my goodness, I was actually quite devastated to hear this news from a very young woman and mother of three young boys.  Her youngest was just born in August 2012, and now this.  Megan, if you're reading this, please know that I'm thinking of you and you can call me anytime!

Jinger and Allie in 1998, looking out at their first snowfall.

I had actually started writing this post the day after my run-in with Megan but had lost my train of thought.  So many things have been going through my mind and I haven't been able to process any of it enough to put it down, yet the last few days have been eye-opening for me.  For the first time in my life, I'm finally getting to know my "kittens" for who they are, and I love it!  I'm not sure if Allie and Jinger's personalities are changing or adapting to the loss of Emmi Sue or if they just now feel they can be more themselves, but these changes are so endearing.

I've learned that Jinger, who never seemed to enjoy being held in my arms, actually loves it!  I'm not sure if she saw me holding Emmi Sue so often that she became jealous and now wants the same attention she had been getting, but I love holding Jinger and rubbing her furry chin and neck.  Jinger has the sweetest gurgle-purr ever!

My beautiful Jinger, laying back and relaxing.

Allie, on the other hand, is goofier, more outgoing and social, sillier and loving than ever before.  It's as if she's finally coming out of her shell, to some extent, and I love seeing her beautiful personality emerging for the world to see.

I can safely say that I'm falling in love with my kittens all over again!  Yes, they are my eternal kittens since I adopted them at 7½ weeks.  It's unreal to think that they are already 14½ years old!  The most wonderful thing is that, aside from Jinger's hyperthyroidism, both are in perfect health.  Allie's lab results were basically "boring," according to our vet, which is wonderful.  Boring is great sometimes!

My silly Allie, being her goofy, adorable, crazy little self!

So that is my life as of late.  I've mostly been home, as usual, but have been enjoying my babies in new ways.  I'm learning more about them and loving (almost) every moment of it!  OK, Jinger's wanting to be in my arms can get somewhat annoying from time to time, but I adore her with all my heart so she can beg-meow all she wants.  Mommy will always give in and hug her close.

As difficult as it may be to accept, life does go on......

It seems like a million years since I last wrote but I feel it's time to move on to more subjects than my Emmi Sue, although she is always foremost on my mind.  Today was Allie's first visit to our vet, Dr. Carolyn Ecker.  I was eager for her and her staff to meet my shiest little girl, and the one I consider the youngest.  Here is how my mind works.  When I adopted Jinger and Allie, Jinger weighed 1¼ lbs., while Allie only weighed one pound, so based on their weight is how I decided Allie was the youngest of my twin babies.  Yes, I know how ridiculous this is, but I had to mentally choose the order of birth, and it's how I did it.  Tah dah, I was as insane 14½ years ago as I am today!

Mommy and Allie back in 1999 when she wasn't even one year old yet (and  I had a horrendous haircut!).

It was really no surprise to me when Dr. Ecker confessed to me that of my three girls, Allie is her absolute favorite.  Allie has always been the most gentle of my girls, and the way she meows sounds like a soft melody she is singing for me.  Dr. Ecker also praised me on how well Allie appeared.  From the way she looked, she would have never guessed her age as her body doesn't have the typical hanging belly most older cats seem to get (Jinger doesn't have this either), her fur is thick and not matted in the least (despite my not being able to brush her anymore), her eyes are bright and her teeth and gums looked extremely healthy.  Yay!  I'll have the results of her full labs tomorrow afternoon so then I'll be able to breathe in a full sigh of relief, but I feel Allie is in perfect health and will be with me for many years to come.

I have to say that after today's vet appointment, I think I may be recovering a bit more after Emmi Sue's passing.  Holding Allie in my arms as I did at the office, I felt like such a "mom," and I haven't felt this way in ages.  Ugh, it really isn't fair of me to say this since Jinger cries for me to hold her a few times each day and night, but somehow, it's not the same thing.  Allie was frightened and needed me to hold her so she could dig her sweet little face in my arm.  I needed to protect her and really take care of my baby, and I miss being so needed.  

I think I need to reevaluate things with Jinger, though.  She cries and cries for me to hold her and while I do take the time to do this, I'm somehow annoyed at her far too often.  I shouldn't be feeling this way towards my baby girl, especially when I can't even fall asleep unless Jinger is snuggled in my arms as she spoons against my chest.  I'm spending far too much time being sad and miserable to see the fantastic girls I have in my life and I only hope I'm not hurting them (mostly Jinger) in the process.  Jinger is the only reason I will not adopt another cat at this time, no matter how much I may want to do this.  She is still utterly depressed and not knowing what her new place is, so how could I even consider bringing another baby into our home?  Hell no!  My two girls come first in my life but I really need to start showing Jinger how much I absolutely adore her, rather than just say it here in my blog.

One of Jinger's favorite things to do is jump in the empty laundry basket when I'm doing the wash.  I leave it out for her, in the hallway, so she can jump in and out to her heart's content!

On another subject, a few months back I had written that there was a possibility that I, too, may have some kidney damage.  Luckily, all tests showed that this is not the case but my right foot and ankle are STILL swollen beyond belief.  I've had numerous tests, a Dopplar Ultrasound of the right leg, and still nothing is conclusive.  My general physician put me on a "pee" pill in December, with little results.  He switched me to another this month but I'm not seeing any results as of yet.  His other recommendation has been to try compression socks, but I'm afraid those may aggravate my MS, as anything tight usually does.  It may be my final option, so I'll keep holding my breath for these pills to work, but I'm not feeling too hopeful.  Tight damn socks, I believe I'll be trying you out soon!

Happy Holidays from Jinger, Allie, Mommy and angel Emmi Sue

This kitty isn't Emmi Sue, but she's so adorable that I couldn't help but use this today.

It's hard to believe that it has been three weeks since my Emmi Sue was in my arms.  What's even harder to grasp is how far I've come.  Since that evening when I ran my fingers through her ashes, I didn't cry until last night as I lay in bed.  Jinger was snuggled next to me, as she has done each night for quite some time, and I suddenly reached over to my right hip and wanted so desperately to feel Emmi Sue laying on top of me.  I cried for a few moments and then held Jinger that much tighter.  Really, I don't consider not crying a sign of healing, but being that I am a very tearful person, it's a good thing for me to be able to look at her photographs and talk about her without tearing up and my voice quivering.  My memories of Emmi Sue are wonderful and the love I feel for her continues to grow with each passing day.  She will always be my first daughter and as I told her each night, "no one will ever take that place from you."

Emmi Sue's display on my mantle, including two of her favorite toys, my beanie teddy bears!

As promised, I have taken a few pictures of Emmi Sue's final resting place and I am continually touched at how much time and care my dad took in making it absolutely perfect for my little girl.

My dad burned her name, probable birth date and day of passing into the wood, all written in my handwriting.

My Emmi Sue's beautiful back paw print, including a few claw marks.  I added her name and heart to it.

I still feel the tremendous loss of Emmi Sue every single day, but I'm learning to cope with life without her presence.  She's still with me in "spirit" and that will have to be enough.

For the first time EVER, my family will be at my house on christmas eve and I can't wait.  My parents will be bringing most of the food, while I'll bake a couple apple cakes for dessert while Mom, Dad and my brother Gonzalo are here.  Is it silly that I'm excited for them to be here?  Nah, it's kind of a special occasion, even for us Atheists.  Having my family in my home is something I never experienced until my brother was home a few weeks ago, and it was spectacular.  He has allergies and was never able to tolerate being in my home for too long, but I think my new "homemaker" Kim's three times per week vacuuming has made the difference.  Yes, Dorraine is still my homemaker, too, but since she was diagnosed with COPD, she isn't able to breathe too well and is not able to do too much when she comes over.  I love that she was reassigned to me as I missed her so much, as did Jinger and Allie.  The moment she steps into my home, Jinger practically attacks her!  Yeah, it's a love-fest and it's great to have her back and doing pretty well.

In case I don't write again until after xmas, I would like to extend my sincerest wishes to everyone and may you have a very safe, happy, magical, fantastic holiday season.  On a final note, keep those who are less fortunate, not only in your thoughts but give them a helping hand.  I, for one, am going to donate food and kitty litter to our local No-Kill animal shelter, where I adopted Emmi Sue.  It won't be until after the New Year as funds are extremely tight at the moment, but it will be done in her name and I know she would be proud.  Happy Xmas to all!

Thinking of Emmi Sue and the magic of Allie and Jinger ♥

Sunday was two weeks since I lost my Emmi Sue.  Surprisingly, I never shed one tear from the moment I woke up but the evening prior, from 3am until around almost 7am (yes, I know this is not technically "evening"), I cried and mourned her passing more than I had in quite some time.  From the day I had brought her ashes home, I hadn't gone near the black urn she resided in, nor had I thought much about it, but that late evening, I felt it necessary to hold it in my hands.  Not only that, but I was compelled to open the urn, untie the baggie with her remains, and run my fingers through it.  It pained me greatly to come to the actual realization that these ashes and dry bits were my Emmi Sue.  Perhaps it was morbid that I felt I needed to do this, but I did.  In some strange way, it brought me peace.

Yesterday, my dad brought me the finished urn he fashioned for Emmi Sue and she is now finally sealed inside.  It was far too dark to take photographs, which I will as soon as I'm able to do so.  I'd still like to attach a photo of her to the wooden urn he made, as I'd love to be able to see her lovely face looking back at me when I see the pretty container up on the mantle.  It really is quite beautiful.

Something I never wrote about, but is definitely worth mentioning, is that my two remaining girls are special to me beyond what I could ever express.  I was not able to give them the attention they deserved and needed while Emmi Sue was ill and am trying to make up for that now, especially since I can see how they are mourning her loss.  But this is not actually what I wanted to write about.  Jinger and Allie have "special powers," no matter how strange that may sound.

A few years back, there were countless times when I would be in extreme physical pain and my little Allie would sense it, so she would merely come near me, rub against my body, and the pain would miraculously disappear.  It happened so many times that I called her my "magic healing baby."  Once my pain became too severe, she was no longer able to take the pain away, and I completely understood.  If she was absorbing the pain I was feeling, there was no way she could have withstood it, so I would not have wanted her to take it from me.  The pain I felt, and still feel, would kill her.  But she knew when I needed her to take it from me and she always did.

Then there's my Jinger.  Oh, this child is spectacular.  I wrote about a man who came into my life via internet many years back, whose name was Magdy.  We met around 9 years ago and online dated for 2½ years.  His being in Kuwait is what stopped us from ever meeting face-to-face, but it never got in the way of us getting to know one another and falling madly in love.  I was never sure exactly when he passed away, but he had an enlarged heart and had been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer.  While he was undergoing chemotherapy, his heart had stopped many times and we both knew the end was near.  I won't go into our entire story but after our communication stopped, I was in tears all the time, not wanting to accept that he was possibly gone.  One day, Jinger's behavior changed.  You see, Magdy would see me holding Jinger in my arms very often and he would call her my "naughty Jinger" in a teasing way, as he had absolutely fallen in love with her playful demeanor.  The way Jinger had changed that day, and lasted for almost an entire month, is that she became my shadow.  She would follow me in ways she never had before.  She would climb on me differently than ever, she would meow in a different voice, she would sit and watch me with such intense eyes that I wasn't sure what was going on.  The in occurred to me that, perhaps, Magdy was channeling through her.  Then I decided to call to her "Magdy?", and she looked straight at me, bowed her head and blinked her eyes.  I broke down crying, knowing he had come back to me, through Jinger, to reassure me that he was alright, but had passed away.  I can't even begin to explain how at peace I felt, yet extremely emotional.  This little kitty had brought me the best gift I could have ever asked for!

Now, with Emmi Sue's passing, I've been wondering if the same would happen.  I kept thinking to myself that it would probably happen through Allie, as she is the more gentle one of my girls.  A few days after Emmi Sue passed on, I heard her growling meow, but it came from Allie.  It was the most awesome thing I had ever heard in my life.  Not only that, but for the last three or four days, Jinger has been behaving almost exactly like Emmi Sue.  I'm not sure if she's in mourning so she is imitating her, or if she is also channeling her sister so I will feel peace in my heart.  Either way, I feel less conflicted about many things from the last couple days of Emmi Sue's life.  All I know is that my Allie and Jinger are two phenomenal babies and my life would not be complete without them.  Luckily, Jinger is in almost perfect health (she has very controlled hyperthyroidism) and Allie's full check-up is on January 7, so we'll find out how healthy she is then.  As far as I can tell, she is in very good health and I will do everything in my power to keep it this way.  Both my girls are 14½ and I will do my best to stay on top of their health and happiness. ♥

As most people who know anything about me, or have been following my blog know, I am an Atheist and do NOT believe in a higher power.  I do not believe we go on to a "better place" when we die or that there is a great beyond after our passing.  So what exactly is going on here?  I have no idea.  Perhaps the "spirit" (which I'm not sure I believe in either) needs to feel free of burdens before resting in peace.  I don't know!  All I can say is that I experienced a tremendous change in Jinger after Magdy's passing.  After a month or so, she went back to her old self.  It was a visible change and I knew his "spirit" had left her.

In light of the tragedy which occurred on Friday, December 14 at the Sandy Hook school in Newtown, Connecticut, the mourning I am going through over the loss of my Emmi Sue seems almost insignificant in comparison to the pain the parents and family members of the victims must be feeling.  I am, in no way, comparing my suffering to theirs, yet loss is loss, no matter in what shape it comes.  My heart and most sincere condolences go out to all those affected in this horribly tragedy.  It is my hope that something will be done to change the laws in this country concerning guns and other such weapons when it comes to civilians.  

One week since I lost my baby

It has been one week since I discovered my Emmi Sue's cold little body, behind my king sized bed, upon awakening.  I'm grateful that I have been able to erase the memory of the look on her face from my mind in such a short time, as she appeared wracked in pain.  I know that image will come back to haunt me over and over again, but I mostly remember her face as it was every day we had together before she had the feeding tube, which I'm ever so glad.

There are days when I can't go more than an hour or so without crying, and others when I'm oddly at peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering, so the tears are far more scarce.

I had decided, when my Emmi Sue became ill, that I would have her cremated so she'd be physically near me for as long as I live.  When the animal hospital called, my parents (and younger brother who is home until next Wednesday) and I met there to pick my baby up one last time.  They had put my Emmi Sue's remains in a pretty black urn, but she will later be transferred into a beautiful final resting place my dad made and has personalized just for her.  They also made a paw print of one of her back feet for me, and it is simply precious.  I cried as I showed the hospital attendant a couple photos of Emmi Sue, as I wanted her to at least know a little of who she had been.

Luckily for me, my family and I had been in separate vehicles.   I took my Emmi Sue in my hands, secured her in one of my car's cup holders and left the parking lot.  This was when a part of me I had never heard came howling forth.  With each tear I cried, I screamed and howled in pain as I came to the realization that my first daughter was at rest in that small container.  The pain was so intense, I was shaking and the screaming got louder and louder as I approached our home. 

As I pulled into the driveway, my parents drove in next to me and I managed to gather myself together enough to tell them I didn't want them to come in.. and then I broke down sobbing.  Mom came over to me and held me as I cried and howled my heart out as I clutched the urn in my hands.  My little girl was really gone.  Oh my god.. she was gone, gone, gone forever and I would never hold her in my arms again. It was too much for me to handle.

My family came inside the house with me and I can't thank them enough for doing so.  Had they not been there, I would have collapsed on my bed and not left the bedroom for, possibly, days on end.  Having them with me helped me catch my breath, calm down a bit and even smile as I thought of my sweet Emmi Sue.  She was finally home with me and her sisters again.

I wonder if anyone can truly understand the pain I feel in the loss of my wonderful little Emmi Sue.  She was far more than a pet to me.  From almost the time of her adoption, and that of Jinger and Allie's, I've been home, pretty much, all the time.  I've been a full-time Mom and love every moment of it, and now my eldest child is gone.  The pain is beyond explanation and/or mental comprehension.

Tribute to my Emmi Sue, the sweetest girl I have ever known.

This was my Facebook status on Sunday, December 2:

"It breaks my heart to write this post as my life will never be the same again.  I woke up this morning to find my Emmi Sue had gone to sleep to never awaken me with her sweet kisses again.  She was with me for 14 years, 8 months and 21 days of her almost 16 years of life.  I only lost out on her first year and how I wish I would have known her as a kitten.  She must have been as much of a joy as a baby as she was for me for the short time I was given with her.  I have no words to express my utter sadness and feeling of complete loss without my first little girl here with me, but I know Emmi Sue is now at peace and no longer hurting.  I just wish I could have done more for her or been holding her as she took her last breath.  I have many regrets from these last few days and will think about this for as long as I live.  Emmi Sue, you were never just a cat to me.  You were my daughter and no one else will ever take your place.  I feel so empty without your sweet little body in my arms, your face nuzzling against mine, your tiny hands reaching up to touch my cheeks, the way you never wanted to leave my embrace!  My sweet angel, you will never, EVER be forgotten." ♥

Emmi Sue's last couple days were anything but peaceful for her and I will regret many things that happened for a very long time, if not forever.  She deserved so much better than what became of her in the end, even though I know in my heart she understood that everything I was doing was out of absolute pure love for her.

In my grief, I was somehow able to write a few letters of thank you to a few of the members of tanya's support group, and I would like to share a large part of one such letter at this time.

"It warms my heart that my Emmi Sue touched so many people's hearts.  She was even more wonderful than my words could ever say.

The last few weeks of her life, Emmi Sue began sleeping on top of me, which first concerned me then later became my favorite thing in the world.  I would wait for her to climb on top so I could feel her tiny body readjust until she was comfortable, and I would do my best to not move the entire night.  I know she clung to my warmth and the love she got from me as much as she could and if I could have, I would have wrapped her in my arms under the covers, but she never cared for being under blankets.

Emmi Sue had the most horrible sounding growl-type meow, but it was her sound and I loved hearing her coming down the hallway with one of her toys each night, growling as she approached the bedroom, bringing it to me as I was trying to fall asleep.  It was her nightly ritual and it never bothered me past the first few times she did this.  It was just her way and I treasured each little thing she did.  Can you believe she would even 'apologize' if she accidentally scratched me?  She would hear me yelp in pain (I would never yell at her nor her kitty sisters) and she would leave the room for a few minutes, then come back to me, head bowed, with one of her toys in her mouth.  She would drop it at my feet, tap my leg and look up as if begging me to forgive her.  Yeah, we had THAT special of a bond and I miss her so very much.

Mommy and Emmi Sue in 1999

I don't know why I'm typing all this out to you except maybe I needed to do so and I need to share the wonder that was my Emmi Sue.  I'll never know another quite like her.  I have two other wonderful kitties who are phenomenal in their own ways, but no one could ever compare to Emmi Sue.  She was the only one of my three girls who would lay in my arms like a little baby for hours sometimes, fall asleep, or just lay there and look up at me, reach her small hands to my face and touch my cheeks or wipe my tears.  She was one of a kind and I'll miss her every day of my life."

My parents and I took Emmi Sue to be cremated Sunday evening, as I want to keep her close to me always.  I couldn't bear to part with her forever and this is a way of having her near me, even though I know she is gone from this world.  My dad creates the most beautiful pieces of art from wood and we decided that his first piece, which he had given me years ago, would be the perfect resting place for my baby girl.  I will be taking a photograph of it when Emmi Sue comes home to me once again later this week, or perhaps as late as next week.  I couldn't think of a more appropriate, beautiful, meaningful place for her to rest than in something her loving abuelito made for her mommy years ago.

Emmi Sue, my sweet, amazing, loving, adorable angel-child.. Mommy loves you sooooooooo much and she always will.  Never EVER forget that.  I feel so lost without you near me.  My arms are empty without you in them, my heart is broken since you had to go to sleep.  My baby, I know you held on to life longer than you should have for me and I thank you with all my heart.  I'm sorry you had to suffer as much as you did.  You deserved so much more.  You were the perfect child all your life and I will forever miss your sweet angel kisses and the tickle of your long whiskers.  I wish I could have done more for you, my Emmi Sue-poo, but you never had to do anything for me.  Always remember what I said to you every single night.  "I love you just because you are.  You are the most perfect you that you could ever be.  There is nothing you could do to make me love you more but.. oh!  I just did!  I love you more right now than a second ago."  You were my first daughter and no one will ever take that place from you.  I will love you forever... Your Mommy.