Monday, September 3, 2012

I wish I could drive again.....

One of the worst parts of having MS (and arthritis in my hips/pelvis) has been my inability to participate in activities I used to take for granted.  Just last year, I was able to make the trip to Iowa City, Iowa, barely an hour away, to visit my uncle and aunt (Mom's cousin and his wife) who share a home with my great uncle Emilio, who happens to be my absolute favorite tío (uncle in Spanish).  Now, I can't even make that trip with them, even though my tío Emilio turned 91 just this past weekend.  My aunt and uncle have gone to the east coast to visit their daughter (my cousin) for a week leaving my tío alone, so my parents are driving out to see him every few days to make sure he's doing well.  As much as I would love to go with them, I can't imagine making the trip without feeling horrible for days on end.  Believe me, I've learned this lesson from pushing myself far too many times and always regretted it.
For the last couple months, I've been plagued with not being able to make it the bathroom before my bladder releases, yet I'm also not emptying completely.  Because of this, I'm not taking Vesicare (or did Medicaid switch me to Enablex?) to stop the bladder spasms as it would also make "going" much more difficult.  I'm still taking my nightly dosage of Terazosin to help me go, but I feel like such a mess.  Either I go too much or I can't go at all, and this happens in the same day most of the time!  On top of this, I'm having problems eliminating from the other end due to my not being able to push (even though I never miss a day of taking generic Colace), so all I can say is UGH!!!  I guess I'll be taking an extra capsule tomorrow, even though I already take two on a daily basis.  My insides just don't feel right.
In two weeks, it will be six months since I have been able to drive my car and even though I've grown used to not driving, I really do miss being more independent.  The truth is that being able to drive myself around wouldn't accomplish much since my energy levels and strength would not allow me to do anything, but the thought of driving, in itself, is a feeling of freedom.  I really do miss that.  Just driving, music playing as I smoke and feel fresh air coming in from all sides, provided it's not as stifling hot as it has been for months on end this summer.  Yeah, that's what I'd like to do before the year is out.  I want to drive again!