Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tribute to my Emmi Sue, the sweetest girl I have ever known.

This was my Facebook status on Sunday, December 2:

"It breaks my heart to write this post as my life will never be the same again.  I woke up this morning to find my Emmi Sue had gone to sleep to never awaken me with her sweet kisses again.  She was with me for 14 years, 8 months and 21 days of her almost 16 years of life.  I only lost out on her first year and how I wish I would have known her as a kitten.  She must have been as much of a joy as a baby as she was for me for the short time I was given with her.  I have no words to express my utter sadness and feeling of complete loss without my first little girl here with me, but I know Emmi Sue is now at peace and no longer hurting.  I just wish I could have done more for her or been holding her as she took her last breath.  I have many regrets from these last few days and will think about this for as long as I live.  Emmi Sue, you were never just a cat to me.  You were my daughter and no one else will ever take your place.  I feel so empty without your sweet little body in my arms, your face nuzzling against mine, your tiny hands reaching up to touch my cheeks, the way you never wanted to leave my embrace!  My sweet angel, you will never, EVER be forgotten." 
Emmi Sue's last couple days were anything but peaceful for her and I will regret many things that happened for a very long time, if not forever.  She deserved so much better than what became of her in the end, even though I know in my heart she understood that everything I was doing was out of absolute pure love for her.

In my grief, I was somehow able to write a few letters of thank you to a few of the members of tanya's support group, and I would like to share a large part of one such letter at this time.

"It warms my heart that my Emmi Sue touched so many people's hearts.  She was even more wonderful than my words could ever say.

The last few weeks of her life, Emmi Sue began sleeping on top of me, which first concerned me then later became my favorite thing in the world.  I would wait for her to climb on top so I could feel her tiny body readjust until she was comfortable, and I would do my best to not move the entire night.  I know she clung to my warmth and the love she got from me as much as she could and if I could have, I would have wrapped her in my arms under the covers, but she never cared for being under blankets.
Emmi Sue had the most horrible sounding growl-type meow, but it was her sound and I loved hearing her coming down the hallway with one of her toys each night, growling as she approached the bedroom, bringing it to me as I was trying to fall asleep.  It was her nightly ritual and it never bothered me past the first few times she did this.  It was just her way and I treasured each little thing she did.  Can you believe she would even 'apologize' if she accidentally scratched me?  She would hear me yelp in pain (I would never yell at her nor her kitty sisters) and she would leave the room for a few minutes, then come back to me, head bowed, with one of her toys in her mouth.  She would drop it at my feet, tap my leg and look up as if begging me to forgive her.  Yeah, we had THAT special of a bond and I miss her so very much.
Mommy and Emmi Sue in 1999
I don't know why I'm typing all this out to you except maybe I needed to do so and I need to share the wonder that was my Emmi Sue.  I'll never know another quite like her.  I have two other wonderful kitties who are phenomenal in their own ways, but no one could ever compare to Emmi Sue.  She was the only one of my three girls who would lay in my arms like a little baby for hours sometimes, fall asleep, or just lay there and look up at me, reach her small hands to my face and touch my cheeks or wipe my tears.  She was one of a kind and I'll miss her every day of my life."

My parents and I took Emmi Sue to be cremated Sunday evening, as I want to keep her close to me always.  I couldn't bear to part with her forever and this is a way of having her near me, even though I know she is gone from this world.  My dad creates the most beautiful pieces of art from wood and we decided that his first piece, which he had given me years ago, would be the perfect resting place for my baby girl.  I will be taking a photograph of it when Emmi Sue comes home to me once again later this week, or perhaps as late as next week.  I couldn't think of a more appropriate, beautiful, meaningful place for her to rest than in something her loving abuelito made for her mommy years ago.
Emmi Sue, my sweet, amazing, loving, adorable angel-child.. Mommy loves you sooooooooo much and she always will.  Never EVER forget that.  I feel so lost without you near me.  My arms are empty without you in them, my heart is broken since you had to go to sleep.  My baby, I know you held on to life longer than you should have for me and I thank you with all my heart.  I'm sorry you had to suffer as much as you did.  You deserved so much more.  You were the perfect child all your life and I will forever miss your sweet angel kisses and the tickle of your long whiskers.  I wish I could have done more for you, my Emmi Sue-poo, but you never had to do anything for me.  Always remember what I said to you every single night.  "I love you just because you are.  You are the most perfect you that you could ever be.  There is nothing you could do to make me love you more but.. oh!  I just did!  I love you more right now than a second ago."  You were my first daughter and no one will ever take that place from you.  I will love you forever... Your Mommy.