Sometimes my thoughts are my worst enemy

Oh my goodness, I think this is the longest I have ever gone without writing an entry and I must say I feel terrible about it.  My mind has been in a million places but I haven't been able to make it stop in one place long enough to form many coherent thoughts so I am going to attempt to make some sense tonight.

After a couple weeks  with the new TENS system, I am still unsure if it is helping as much as I had hoped but am using it as much as possible.  It never ceases to amaze me at how much power this thing uses!  Two batteries rarely last more than a couple hours, so it's a good thing I have been doing a pretty decent job of charging them up ahead of time so I haven't been left without batteries too often.  Still, it's somewhat inconvenient to need to change them as often as I've had to but as long as I get some relief, I'll continue to do so.

I guess you could say my life has fallen into a sort of lull as of late and there isn't much to write about as I truly do not find it productive nor helpful to merely write about the pain I feel nor complain about it.  There HAS to be more to life than this.  There is more, isn't there?  Or have I lost touch with life outside these four walls to such an extent, that I've forgotten what it's like to feel more alive than I have been?  This could very well be the case as I cannot even remember the last time I left my home with the sole purpose of having fun.  What is fun anymore?  For me, I couldn't even say.  Honestly, if someone were to ask me what I wanted to do for an entire day, I would be speechless.  Yes, ME, speechless!  My mind would not even know where to go to come up with any ideas, much less decide where to go or what to do.

I spent much of this past weekend and early this week crying and over analyzing things that have been happening in my life and I need to learn to stop doing this.  I freely admit to having this terrible fault in my character and need to work on it, yet it such a part of who I am!  How do I stop doing something, which truly makes me insane, yet calms me at the same time?  I can't explain why over thinking situations would relax me when in all reality, it keeps me up at night and prevents me from sleeping enough, yet I can't seem to stop.  And then I want to demand answers to my questions now!  Not later, but immediately, even though the timing is, more than likely, very premature.  Ugh, I can't even explain what I'm talking about but I think I have reached a place where I can finally stop stressing as I believe some of it has been resolved.. to a point.  Add my scattered MS-brain to the mix and you get one very messed up lady on your hands these last few days!

Not the best few days for me and those I love

It seems Thursday was basically a bad day all around for me and most of my friends.. and my sweetheart.  When I first got on my computer and checked Facebook, I was startled and really very frightened, by what I read.  My honey had experienced a sort of "black out," or perhaps seizure, of some kind.  It was short lived as it was only a couple minutes in duration, but it was enough to scare his co-worker into calling the paramedics.  This has us both concerned and I hope he doesn't have another episode before seeing his neurologist in a few weeks.. or ever!

This is a message he wrote and posted  on Facebook on June 28th.. and I love it.

A few of my dearest friends with MS were also having a terrible time of it and much of it can be attributed to the intense heat wave which has been plaguing almost the entire United States for over a week.  We should finally have some relief by Sunday, or at lease in parts of the Midwest.


Then there's me.  I had gotten up earlier than usual Thursday, as I'm trying to become accustomed to a more "normal" schedule so I can catch my sweetie earlier in the day and maybe even get a few things done.  After reading his message and knowing he way laying down to sleep for a  while, I took advantage of the moment and showered and this pretty much wipes me out for the rest of the day.  I knew I had to relax after showering as I still had a few things to do as the day went on, so I hooked myself up to my TENS system and sat down to let it work its magic.  I really am going to blame the excessive heat for the incredible pain I have been in as neither the Baclofen (my pain/spasm medication) nor the TENS has been helping as much as usual lately.  By the time my sweetie got online, around 3:45pm, we only had a few minutes to chat before I needed to get ready for my parents to take me to my chiropractor.  He was still feeling quite "out of it" and reassured me he would be going to bed early that evening, as I still needed to do my grocery shopping after my appointment and would not be able to catch him again that night.

Even with my using a motorized cart at Walmart for shopping and my parents loading everything into a regular cart for me, by the time we arrived at my home I was completely exhausted and my hips were in terrible pain.  What had I done to hurt so damn much?  Basically, nothing. I'm sure I had been very tense inside since I couldn't get the picture of him out of my mind, laying on the hard, cold floor yet having no recollection of it when he came to.  I couldn't get this image out of my mind so between my concern for him and the body pain I was in, it was a very shitty day and evening.


Honestly, the pain keeps lingering and with the weather finally stabilizing a little bit this coming week, I'm hoping the pain will lessen at least enough for some relief.  I don't ask for much, just a tiny bit would be nice.  The good thing is that after spending some time with him online today (yes, it was technically yesterday), he was feeling somewhat better and for this, I am VERY thankful.  Now to see what the rest of the weekend and week hold for me, my love and my friends.  It can't get much worse, can it?