It has been one week since I discovered my Emmi Sue's cold little body, behind my king sized bed, upon awakening. I'm grateful that I have been able to erase the memory of the look on her face from my mind in such a short time, as she appeared wracked in pain. I know that image will come back to haunt me over and over again, but I mostly remember her face as it was every day we had together before she had the feeding tube, which I'm ever so glad.
There are days when I can't go more than an hour or so without crying, and others when I'm oddly at peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering, so the tears are far more scarce.
I had decided, when my Emmi Sue became ill, that I would have her cremated so she'd be physically near me for as long as I live. When the animal hospital called, my parents (and younger brother who is home until next Wednesday) and I met there to pick my baby up one last time. They had put my Emmi Sue's remains in a pretty black urn, but she will later be transferred into a beautiful final resting place my dad made and has personalized just for her. They also made a paw print of one of her back feet for me, and it is simply precious. I cried as I showed the hospital attendant a couple photos of Emmi Sue, as I wanted her to at least know a little of who she had been.
Luckily for me, my family and I had been in separate vehicles. I took my Emmi Sue in my hands, secured her in one of my car's cup holders and left the parking lot. This was when a part of me I had never heard came howling forth. With each tear I cried, I screamed and howled in pain as I came to the realization that my first daughter was at rest in that small container. The pain was so intense, I was shaking and the screaming got louder and louder as I approached our home.
As I pulled into the driveway, my parents drove in next to me and I managed to gather myself together enough to tell them I didn't want them to come in.. and then I broke down sobbing. Mom came over to me and held me as I cried and howled my heart out as I clutched the urn in my hands. My little girl was really gone. Oh my god.. she was gone, gone, gone forever and I would never hold her in my arms again. It was too much for me to handle.
My family came inside the house with me and I can't thank them enough for doing so. Had they not been there, I would have collapsed on my bed and not left the bedroom for, possibly, days on end. Having them with me helped me catch my breath, calm down a bit and even smile as I thought of my sweet Emmi Sue. She was finally home with me and her sisters again.
I wonder if anyone can truly understand the pain I feel in the loss of my wonderful little Emmi Sue. She was far more than a pet to me. From almost the time of her adoption, and that of Jinger and Allie's, I've been home, pretty much, all the time. I've been a full-time Mom and love every moment of it, and now my eldest child is gone. The pain is beyond explanation and/or mental comprehension.
