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Sunday, December 9, 2012

One week since I lost my baby

It has been one week since I discovered my Emmi Sue's cold little body, behind my king sized bed, upon awakening.  I'm grateful that I have been able to erase the memory of the look on her face from my mind in such a short time, as she appeared wracked in pain.  I know that image will come back to haunt me over and over again, but I mostly remember her face as it was every day we had together before she had the feeding tube, which I'm ever so glad.

There are days when I can't go more than an hour or so without crying, and others when I'm oddly at peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering, so the tears are far more scarce.
I had decided, when my Emmi Sue became ill, that I would have her cremated so she'd be physically near me for as long as I live.  When the animal hospital called, my parents (and younger brother who is home until next Wednesday) and I met there to pick my baby up one last time.  They had put my Emmi Sue's remains in a pretty black urn, but she will later be transferred into a beautiful final resting place my dad made and has personalized just for her.  They also made a paw print of one of her back feet for me, and it is simply precious.  I cried as I showed the hospital attendant a couple photos of Emmi Sue, as I wanted her to at least know a little of who she had been.

Luckily for me, my family and I had been in separate vehicles.   I took my Emmi Sue in my hands, secured her in one of my car's cup holders and left the parking lot.  This was when a part of me I had never heard came howling forth.  With each tear I cried, I screamed and howled in pain as I came to the realization that my first daughter was at rest in that small container.  The pain was so intense, I was shaking and the screaming got louder and louder as I approached our home. 
As I pulled into the driveway, my parents drove in next to me and I managed to gather myself together enough to tell them I didn't want them to come in.. and then I broke down sobbing.  Mom came over to me and held me as I cried and howled my heart out as I clutched the urn in my hands.  My little girl was really gone.  Oh my god.. she was gone, gone, gone forever and I would never hold her in my arms again. It was too much for me to handle.

My family came inside the house with me and I can't thank them enough for doing so.  Had they not been there, I would have collapsed on my bed and not left the bedroom for, possibly, days on end.  Having them with me helped me catch my breath, calm down a bit and even smile as I thought of my sweet Emmi Sue.  She was finally home with me and her sisters again.

I wonder if anyone can truly understand the pain I feel in the loss of my wonderful little Emmi Sue.  She was far more than a pet to me.  From almost the time of her adoption, and that of Jinger and Allie's, I've been home, pretty much, all the time.  I've been a full-time Mom and love every moment of it, and now my eldest child is gone.  The pain is beyond explanation and/or mental comprehension.