There are days when I can't go more than an hour or so without crying, and others when I'm oddly at peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering, so the tears are far more scarce.
Luckily for me, my family and I had been in separate vehicles. I took my Emmi Sue in my hands, secured her in one of my car's cup holders and left the parking lot. This was when a part of me I had never heard came howling forth. With each tear I cried, I screamed and howled in pain as I came to the realization that my first daughter was at rest in that small container. The pain was so intense, I was shaking and the screaming got louder and louder as I approached our home.
As I pulled into the driveway, my parents drove in next to me and I managed to gather myself together enough to tell them I didn't want them to come in.. and then I broke down sobbing. Mom came over to me and held me as I cried and howled my heart out as I clutched the urn in my hands. My little girl was really gone. Oh my god.. she was gone, gone, gone forever and I would never hold her in my arms again. It was too much for me to handle.
My family came inside the house with me and I can't thank them enough for doing so. Had they not been there, I would have collapsed on my bed and not left the bedroom for, possibly, days on end. Having them with me helped me catch my breath, calm down a bit and even smile as I thought of my sweet Emmi Sue. She was finally home with me and her sisters again.
I wonder if anyone can truly understand the pain I feel in the loss of my wonderful little Emmi Sue. She was far more than a pet to me. From almost the time of her adoption, and that of Jinger and Allie's, I've been home, pretty much, all the time. I've been a full-time Mom and love every moment of it, and now my eldest child is gone. The pain is beyond explanation and/or mental comprehension.