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Saturday, December 22, 2012

Happy Holidays from Jinger, Allie, Mommy and angel Emmi Sue

This kitty isn't Emmi Sue, but she's so adorable that I couldn't help but use this today.
It's hard to believe that it has been three weeks since my Emmi Sue was in my arms.  What's even harder to grasp is how far I've come.  Since that evening when I ran my fingers through her ashes, I didn't cry until last night as I lay in bed.  Jinger was snuggled next to me, as she has done each night for quite some time, and I suddenly reached over to my right hip and wanted so desperately to feel Emmi Sue laying on top of me.  I cried for a few moments and then held Jinger that much tighter.  Really, I don't consider not crying a sign of healing, but being that I am a very tearful person, it's a good thing for me to be able to look at her photographs and talk about her without tearing up and my voice quivering.  My memories of Emmi Sue are wonderful and the love I feel for her continues to grow with each passing day.  She will always be my first daughter and as I told her each night, "no one will ever take that place from you."
Emmi Sue's display on my mantle, including two of her favorite toys, my beanie teddy bears!
As promised, I have taken a few pictures of Emmi Sue's final resting place and I am continually touched at how much time and care my dad took in making it absolutely perfect for my little girl.
My dad burned her name, probable birth date and day of passing into the wood, all written in my handwriting.
My Emmi Sue's beautiful back paw print, including a few claw marks.  I added her name and heart to it.
I still feel the tremendous loss of Emmi Sue every single day, but I'm learning to cope with life without her presence.  She's still with me in "spirit" and that will have to be enough.

For the first time EVER, my family will be at my house on christmas eve and I can't wait.  My parents will be bringing most of the food, while I'll bake a couple apple cakes for dessert while Mom, Dad and my brother Gonzalo are here.  Is it silly that I'm excited for them to be here?  Nah, it's kind of a special occasion, even for us Atheists.  Having my family in my home is something I never experienced until my brother was home a few weeks ago, and it was spectacular.  He has allergies and was never able to tolerate being in my home for too long, but I think my new "homemaker" Kim's three times per week vacuuming has made the difference.  Yes, Dorraine is still my homemaker, too, but since she was diagnosed with COPD, she isn't able to breathe too well and is not able to do too much when she comes over.  I love that she was reassigned to me as I missed her so much, as did Jinger and Allie.  The moment she steps into my home, Jinger practically attacks her!  Yeah, it's a love-fest and it's great to have her back and doing pretty well.
In case I don't write again until after xmas, I would like to extend my sincerest wishes to everyone and may you have a very safe, happy, magical, fantastic holiday season.  On a final note, keep those who are less fortunate, not only in your thoughts but give them a helping hand.  I, for one, am going to donate food and kitty litter to our local No-Kill animal shelter, where I adopted Emmi Sue.  It won't be until after the New Year as funds are extremely tight at the moment, but it will be done in her name and I know she would be proud.  Happy Xmas to all!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Thinking of Emmi Sue and the magic of Allie and Jinger ♥

Sunday was two weeks since I lost my Emmi Sue.  Surprisingly, I never shed one tear from the moment I woke up but the evening prior, from 3am until around almost 7am (yes, I know this is not technically "evening"), I cried and mourned her passing more than I had in quite some time.  From the day I had brought her ashes home, I hadn't gone near the black urn she resided in, nor had I thought much about it, but that late evening, I felt it necessary to hold it in my hands.  Not only that, but I was compelled to open the urn, untie the baggie with her remains, and run my fingers through it.  It pained me greatly to come to the actual realization that these ashes and dry bits were my Emmi Sue.  Perhaps it was morbid that I felt I needed to do this, but I did.  In some strange way, it brought me peace.
Yesterday, my dad brought me the finished urn he fashioned for Emmi Sue and she is now finally sealed inside.  It was far too dark to take photographs, which I will as soon as I'm able to do so.  I'd still like to attach a photo of her to the wooden urn he made, as I'd love to be able to see her lovely face looking back at me when I see the pretty container up on the mantle.  It really is quite beautiful.

Something I never wrote about, but is definitely worth mentioning, is that my two remaining girls are special to me beyond what I could ever express.  I was not able to give them the attention they deserved and needed while Emmi Sue was ill and am trying to make up for that now, especially since I can see how they are mourning her loss.  But this is not actually what I wanted to write about.  Jinger and Allie have "special powers," no matter how strange that may sound.

A few years back, there were countless times when I would be in extreme physical pain and my little Allie would sense it, so she would merely come near me, rub against my body, and the pain would miraculously disappear.  It happened so many times that I called her my "magic healing baby."  Once my pain became too severe, she was no longer able to take the pain away, and I completely understood.  If she was absorbing the pain I was feeling, there was no way she could have withstood it, so I would not have wanted her to take it from me.  The pain I felt, and still feel, would kill her.  But she knew when I needed her to take it from me and she always did.
Then there's my Jinger.  Oh, this child is spectacular.  I wrote about a man who came into my life via internet many years back, whose name was Magdy.  We met around 9 years ago and online dated for 2½ years.  His being in Kuwait is what stopped us from ever meeting face-to-face, but it never got in the way of us getting to know one another and falling madly in love.  I was never sure exactly when he passed away, but he had an enlarged heart and had been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer.  While he was undergoing chemotherapy, his heart had stopped many times and we both knew the end was near.  I won't go into our entire story but after our communication stopped, I was in tears all the time, not wanting to accept that he was possibly gone.  One day, Jinger's behavior changed.  You see, Magdy would see me holding Jinger in my arms very often and he would call her my "naughty Jinger" in a teasing way, as he had absolutely fallen in love with her playful demeanor.  The way Jinger had changed that day, and lasted for almost an entire month, is that she became my shadow.  She would follow me in ways she never had before.  She would climb on me differently than ever, she would meow in a different voice, she would sit and watch me with such intense eyes that I wasn't sure what was going on.  The in occurred to me that, perhaps, Magdy was channeling through her.  Then I decided to call to her "Magdy?", and she looked straight at me, bowed her head and blinked her eyes.  I broke down crying, knowing he had come back to me, through Jinger, to reassure me that he was alright, but had passed away.  I can't even begin to explain how at peace I felt, yet extremely emotional.  This little kitty had brought me the best gift I could have ever asked for!
Now, with Emmi Sue's passing, I've been wondering if the same would happen.  I kept thinking to myself that it would probably happen through Allie, as she is the more gentle one of my girls.  A few days after Emmi Sue passed on, I heard her growling meow, but it came from Allie.  It was the most awesome thing I had ever heard in my life.  Not only that, but for the last three or four days, Jinger has been behaving almost exactly like Emmi Sue.  I'm not sure if she's in mourning so she is imitating her, or if she is also channeling her sister so I will feel peace in my heart.  Either way, I feel less conflicted about many things from the last couple days of Emmi Sue's life.  All I know is that my Allie and Jinger are two phenomenal babies and my life would not be complete without them.  Luckily, Jinger is in almost perfect health (she has very controlled hyperthyroidism) and Allie's full check-up is on January 7, so we'll find out how healthy she is then.  As far as I can tell, she is in very good health and I will do everything in my power to keep it this way.  Both my girls are 14½ and I will do my best to stay on top of their health and happiness. ♥
As most people who know anything about me, or have been following my blog know, I am an Atheist and do NOT believe in a higher power.  I do not believe we go on to a "better place" when we die or that there is a great beyond after our passing.  So what exactly is going on here?  I have no idea.  Perhaps the "spirit" (which I'm not sure I believe in either) needs to feel free of burdens before resting in peace.  I don't know!  All I can say is that I experienced a tremendous change in Jinger after Magdy's passing.  After a month or so, she went back to her old self.  It was a visible change and I knew his "spirit" had left her.

In light of the tragedy which occurred on Friday, December 14 at the Sandy Hook school in Newtown, Connecticut, the mourning I am going through over the loss of my Emmi Sue seems almost insignificant in comparison to the pain the parents and family members of the victims must be feeling.  I am, in no way, comparing my suffering to theirs, yet loss is loss, no matter in what shape it comes.  My heart and most sincere condolences go out to all those affected in this horribly tragedy.  It is my hope that something will be done to change the laws in this country concerning guns and other such weapons when it comes to civilians.