Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Fifteen years since you meowed your way into my life....

Yesterday would have been Emmi Sue's 16th birthday, and 15 years since she came into my life.  I don't even think I need to say what a difficult, emotional day it was, because it was a living hell for me.  I relived the day she chose me as her mommy over and over again, remembering how tiny she had been that first day of our meeting.  I think I described it best as I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, as I said:

"I never knew how much I could hurt until I lost my Emmi Sue.  I never screamed while I've cried, until I lost her.  I still do that to this day.  I honestly never knew pain until she was gone.  She was never a cat to me, nor are my Allie or Jinger.  I'm home all day, every day, and I've raised them as my children.  I don't know if I'll ever be the same again nor if I'll ever know happiness without her with me.  I'm so lost."
Emmi Sue, stretched out on Mom and Dad's (covered) pool table.
I really do feel lost without my little girl.  I can't even begin to explain it.  I understand most people have had some sort of loss when it comes to pets, as I did before losing my precious baby, but this was on such a different level.  I lost a piece of myself with Emmi Sue.  I'm not even sure this will happen with Jinger or Allie, but I don't know.  I just don't know.  Emmi Sue and I became so close through her illness and treatments that our relationship grew by leaps and bounds.  I will never stop seeing her as she was during those last few months, weeks, days.. so absolutely tiny, so frail, so needing me to hold her and cradle her in my arms.  There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her, yet I fear I pushed her too hard to live, or maybe she hung on to life just for me.  I'll never know the answer to this, but I do know that my Emmi Sue loved me as much as I will forever adore her memory.
Jinger finally snapped out of her sadness, for which I am ever grateful, but I can't seem to follow in her footsteps.  This sadness, what am I saying?  This depression is all-consuming and is taking over every part of my life.  Yes, I've learned, once again, to smile through my tears but I feel as if I'm a walking, talking zombie of sorts.  I'm playing a part for the world to see, as no one really wishes to see the person I have become.  There is a tremendous hole in my life, in my mind, in my heart, that'll never again be filled as the one who completed that part of me is forever gone.
Fuck!!!  I miss my baby girl so much and nothing will ever change this.  Emmi Sue, I don't know what to do without you here.  I need you more than you ever needed me and I love you more and more every single day.  Te amo, hijita mía.  Your Mommy. ♥