Saturday, June 23, 2012

Stop focusing on others and BREATHE!

I feel terribly guilty for not having written anything lately but to be honest, my mind has been quite blank these last few days.  Maybe it would be more accurate to say it has been more on the scattered side, than blank.  I start writing and my mind goes off in so many different directions that any thought I almost had, flies out the window and I'm left wondering what the heck I had wanted to write about in the first place.  Yup, cognitive difficulties!  I'm having those a lot lately.

I began writing this entry late last night but my mind is more clear this evening and I feel I should write about something that many have been commenting on in the MS RANT OUT LOUD room on Facebook.  The topic has been the announcement and interview with Jack Osborn on the television show The Talk.  I had not seen the show on the day it aired (June 20, 2012) but found the link a little bit ago and watched. Keeping in mind the absolute anger, rage even, that many have expressed towards Jack's reaction to the diagnosis, I was expecting to have a completely different opinion of the show, but I was pleasantly surprised.  Comments I have read ranged from his being in denial to his being the "wrong person" to represent those of us with MS to his being rich somehow makes a difference and will make his battle easier.  I have to disagree with all those statements.
I have been wondering, what if Jack Osborn is actually much stronger than anyone realizes?  It could very well be that he has not done enough research on MS quite yet and is choosing to put his attention on his fiance and their newborn baby girl rather than immerse himself in depressing facts centered on the life he will face with MS and I find this perfectly understandable.  Who could blame him?  I would try to concentrate on more pleasant subjects, too!  I remember how it was when I was first diagnosed and if anyone would have asked me questions, I would have been at a loss to respond in a way befitting the journey which had been thrust upon me.  Jack Osborn is only five weeks into his battle with MS.  I feel some compassion is needed in this case and I would hope anyone would give a newly diagnosed individual time to cope and understand what may lie ahead.

One of the points some had brought up was his being from a wealthy family and yes, this will make many things easier for him but it won't heal him.  The lovely Ms. Annette Funicello, of The Mickey Mouse Club fame, has not done well with her multiple sclerosis.  Comic genius Richard Pryor was diagnosed with MS in 1986 (age 46), was wheelchair bound by the mid 1990's and died of a heart attack at the age of 65.  David Lander, who played "Squiggy" on Laverne and Shirley was diagnosed with MS in 1984 but did not make it public knowledge until 1999.  Actress Teri Garr, who starred in the movie Tootsie with Dustin Hoffman, also has MS.  Apparently, her problems began during the filming of this movie in the early 80's.  The reason I am listing these famous people is that whether someone has money or not, MS can still hit you.. sometimes hard and other times not as much.  But this goes for anyone!  Sure, they can afford better power chairs and housekeepers and things like that, but they can no more find a cure than any of us.  And honestly, I do not wish a harsh prognosis on Jack Osborn but if his having MS will bring our disease more recognition than it has gotten, then perhaps this will be a new, positive direction in his life.  But I do not know anything about him so I should not even say this.  For all I know, he has cleaned up his life from what it once was (I read that he was a drug user in the past) and already had a great outlook.
All this being said, I hope everyone will focus on themselves and not worry about anyone else's battles quite so much.  We have enough in our lives as it is and to put so much energy on others is draining!  Take a deep breath and be glad you are still here to go on one more day.. one more day to smile, laugh, love and breathe in one more breath.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Too much damn pain and why I fight every day.

Pain has a way of dictating the tone of a day or couple of days.  These last two days have been difficult, to say the least.  Most of Sunday was filled with pain in my right hip but when I decided to take a shower around 6pm, it became at least 80% worse.. and it had already been pretty damn bad.
I am fortunate to have a handicap accessible shower, which was installed earlier this year and allows me to bathe using a shower chair, but it is still not enough.  By the time I finished showering, dried myself off and had applied product to my hair, I was in such inexplicable pain that I was shaking from head to toe, crying and needed to sit on the toilet to keep from falling.  I couldn't believe such pain could exist!  It got no better when I stood back up and knew I couldn't even lay down for at least another five to six hours as my hair takes that long to dry and with my lack of energy and pain, there was no way I would be able to use a blow dryer.

When I awoke this morning and headed to the bathroom, as I usually do, my body felt as it had the night before.  Ugh, another day of this crap!  I looked into the bedroom when I left the bathroom and there was my little Allie, waiting for me to return and I could not resist her sweetness.  I sat down and leaned against my pillows as she gently rammed her little head on my left leg, purring and meowing as she looked up at me.  Her sweet face and love brought tears to my eyes.  How she loves me!  There is no one else in the world my Allie trusts yet I have somehow managed to earn this and it is not something I take lightly.  As I repeated her name, she kept rubbing against my body, purring and circling around me as tears ran down my face.  I wish I could explain to her how much she means to me and how her actions make my life a better place.  Without her this morning, I would not have been able to smile and may not have even gotten up at all.  I call her my Allie Angel, even though I do not believe in the supernatural!  Yet there is something very special about my little girl that goes beyond explanation.
I did see my chiropractor today and mentioned to him my disappointment in how the TENS unit has not been helping me in the least during the last couple weeks.  It could have much to do with the weather and barometer fluctuations but the point was that it has not been doing a damn thing for me.  At least the bi-weekly adjustment seem to help me a bit or at least until the next appointment and for that, I am eternally grateful.  I'll take whatever I can get!

Lately, I feel as if I have (almost) reached my breaking point.  I wonder how much more of this I will be able to take but know I will take as much as is thrown at me because there is no other alternative.  I fight through each day for the love of my babies.  They are my daily inspiration to keep going forward but sometimes, I will admit that I wish I didn't care quite so much.  It gets so hard when the pain becomes almost more than I can bear.  But my babies need me and I need them.  Many may think I am insane to love three cats as much as I do, but this would mean they do not know me nor do they have any idea who my girls really are.  To know my three little angels is to know how they have changed me into a better person and to see me with them is to recognize how I am the only one who will ever love them as they need to be loved.  I would not trade any of them for anything in the world and that includes my MS.  I will live with this damn disease if it means I have my three girls for the rest of their lives.  They are why I am alive today and why I will be here tomorrow.  I love you, Emmi Sue, Jinger and Allie! ♥
My sweet Allie, Emmi Sue and Jinger.. the reasons I can smile and live.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

A brilliant day!

Today turned out to be such a lovely day!  OK, technically, it was yesterday but it's still today (or tonight) to me.  I was at home, as usual, yet some days at home can be just as fantastic as ones spent out on the town.  It gave me a chance to chat at length with someone I had been wanting to get to know better and I can't begin to say how happy I am this finally happened!  Ahh, it really was a brilliant day and evening which I can only hope to have once again.. maybe even as soon as tomorrow.
Aside from this wonderful conversation and the fun I had with my great new friend, Amy, I have been plagued with the same horrible, unending pain in my hips that I had months ago.  The TENS unit, which had helped me so much at the beginning, is no longer coming close to taking away any of the discomfort anymore and I am near losing my mind.  Will anything ever help?  It seems I will be doomed to this pain for the rest of my life and I don't know how much more of this I will be able to take.  Even getting up to prepare a cup of coffee or get my Emmi Sue's insulin in the evening brings enough pain that tears well up in my eyes and it takes all my will to not scream.

The only moment I feel no pain is when I'm asleep so I should at least take consolation in that and in the fact that I'm able to sleep well each night.  I should publish my "nighttime medicine cocktail" as it works wonders!  Three to four hours after taking my meds, I feel nicely drugged and the moment my head hits my pillow, I'm out for the night.  And when I awaken each morning, I feel well rested and ready for a new day of.. well, a new day of pain.  But at least I slept well and can attack the day.  What more could I ask for under the circumstances?
I try to be a happy, optimistic person and this has not changed but I suddenly feel much more confident that things may be heading in a much more positive direction for me.  Through these MS rooms and pages I am a member of, I am meeting new people and becoming friends with many who are changing my life in ways I have needed for a very long time.  More than anything, I wish none of my friends had to live with MS but since this cannot be changed, I'm thankful we can share our experiences and help one another through the difficult times we've had and will continue to endure.