Too much damn pain and why I fight every day.

Pain has a way of dictating the tone of a day or couple of days.  These last two days have been difficult, to say the least.  Most of Sunday was filled with pain in my right hip but when I decided to take a shower around 6pm, it became at least 80% worse.. and it had already been pretty damn bad.

I am fortunate to have a handicap accessible shower, which was installed earlier this year and allows me to bathe using a shower chair, but it is still not enough.  By the time I finished showering, dried myself off and had applied product to my hair, I was in such inexplicable pain that I was shaking from head to toe, crying and needed to sit on the toilet to keep from falling.  I couldn't believe such pain could exist!  It got no better when I stood back up and knew I couldn't even lay down for at least another five to six hours as my hair takes that long to dry and with my lack of energy and pain, there was no way I would be able to use a blow dryer.

When I awoke this morning and headed to the bathroom, as I usually do, my body felt as it had the night before.  Ugh, another day of this crap!  I looked into the bedroom when I left the bathroom and there was my little Allie, waiting for me to return and I could not resist her sweetness.  I sat down and leaned against my pillows as she gently rammed her little head on my left leg, purring and meowing as she looked up at me.  Her sweet face and love brought tears to my eyes.  How she loves me!  There is no one else in the world my Allie trusts yet I have somehow managed to earn this and it is not something I take lightly.  As I repeated her name, she kept rubbing against my body, purring and circling around me as tears ran down my face.  I wish I could explain to her how much she means to me and how her actions make my life a better place.  Without her this morning, I would not have been able to smile and may not have even gotten up at all.  I call her my Allie Angel, even though I do not believe in the supernatural!  Yet there is something very special about my little girl that goes beyond explanation.

I did see my chiropractor today and mentioned to him my disappointment in how the TENS unit has not been helping me in the least during the last couple weeks.  It could have much to do with the weather and barometer fluctuations but the point was that it has not been doing a damn thing for me.  At least the bi-weekly adjustment seem to help me a bit or at least until the next appointment and for that, I am eternally grateful.  I'll take whatever I can get!


Lately, I feel as if I have (almost) reached my breaking point.  I wonder how much more of this I will be able to take but know I will take as much as is thrown at me because there is no other alternative.  I fight through each day for the love of my babies.  They are my daily inspiration to keep going forward but sometimes, I will admit that I wish I didn't care quite so much.  It gets so hard when the pain becomes almost more than I can bear.  But my babies need me and I need them.  Many may think I am insane to love three cats as much as I do, but this would mean they do not know me nor do they have any idea who my girls really are.  To know my three little angels is to know how they have changed me into a better person and to see me with them is to recognize how I am the only one who will ever love them as they need to be loved.  I would not trade any of them for anything in the world and that includes my MS.  I will live with this damn disease if it means I have my three girls for the rest of their lives.  They are why I am alive today and why I will be here tomorrow.  I love you, Emmi Sue, Jinger and Allie! ♥

My sweet Allie, Emmi Sue and Jinger.. the reasons I can smile and live.

A brilliant day!

Today turned out to be such a lovely day!  OK, technically, it was yesterday but it's still today (or tonight) to me.  I was at home, as usual, yet some days at home can be just as fantastic as ones spent out on the town.  It gave me a chance to chat at length with someone I had been wanting to get to know better and I can't begin to say how happy I am this finally happened!  Ahh, it really was a brilliant day and evening which I can only hope to have once again.. maybe even as soon as tomorrow.

Aside from this wonderful conversation and the fun I had with my great new friend, Amy, I have been plagued with the same horrible, unending pain in my hips that I had months ago.  The TENS unit, which had helped me so much at the beginning, is no longer coming close to taking away any of the discomfort anymore and I am near losing my mind.  Will anything ever help?  It seems I will be doomed to this pain for the rest of my life and I don't know how much more of this I will be able to take.  Even getting up to prepare a cup of coffee or get my Emmi Sue's insulin in the evening brings enough pain that tears well up in my eyes and it takes all my will to not scream.


The only moment I feel no pain is when I'm asleep so I should at least take consolation in that and in the fact that I'm able to sleep well each night.  I should publish my "nighttime medicine cocktail" as it works wonders!  Three to four hours after taking my meds, I feel nicely drugged and the moment my head hits my pillow, I'm out for the night.  And when I awaken each morning, I feel well rested and ready for a new day of.. well, a new day of pain.  But at least I slept well and can attack the day.  What more could I ask for under the circumstances?

I try to be a happy, optimistic person and this has not changed but I suddenly feel much more confident that things may be heading in a much more positive direction for me.  Through these MS rooms and pages I am a member of, I am meeting new people and becoming friends with many who are changing my life in ways I have needed for a very long time.  More than anything, I wish none of my friends had to live with MS but since this cannot be changed, I'm thankful we can share our experiences and help one another through the difficult times we've had and will continue to endure.