Friday, July 27, 2012

Depression is gone but MS problems are back.. ugh!

When life becomes too difficult, sometimes we must make changes and that is what I did a few days ago and the difference it made for me has been incredible.  Really, the only change I made was to do some "soul searching" and decide that a friend of mine was hurting me more than helping by being in my life, so I had to let him go.  It was not a pleasant experience but the outcome has been very good for me.  I feel much lighter, happier and more free to be myself once again, so it was worth the short term discomfort that was the conversation which led to our no longer being friends.
So after this change took place, my depression vanished almost completely, telling me that our friendship had been very toxic for me.  It's not that he was/is a bad person, but there are people we are not meant to be close to for long periods of time.  In my life he was one such person.  Now, I find myself smiling, laughing, enjoying my cats more than ever and seeing life as I had once before.  I still cannot believe all of this has occurred after one change, but I'm very proud of myself for having realized what had been bringing me down and for having the presence of mind to end it.

My parents picked me up for my my regular, twice weekly chiropractic appointment today and we headed to Godfather's Pizza for dinner afterwards.  The humidity rose so much from the time we left the chiro to when we arrived at the pizza place, only 20 minutes away, that it was stifling!  It was even more humid by the time we finished eating and headed to Walmart to pick up a few items but I was not prepared for what it did to my body.
When we arrived at Walmart my mom, who usually walks by my side, took off ahead of me and Dad so she could return/exchange a couple items.  The moment I stepped out of the car, I knew something was terribly wrong.  My right leg was weaker than it had felt in years, but then I noticed my dad was walking off to catch up with my mom.  Hmm, this was strange but it was no big deal either.  I had my quad cane and knew I could make my way over the crosswalk and into the store, no matter how slow it would be.. and I was terribly slow.  Once inside Walmart, I noticed there were no motorized carts available!  There was absolutely no way I would be able to walk any more, so I called my dad over and asked if he could check the other side of the store for one as I very slowly inched my way to a nearby bench to wait for him.

Shopping was fine but for the first time in I don't even know how long, I was afraid to get up from the scooter once were finished at the store.  My dad headed out to the car to load our purchases while mom stood near me as I ungracefully made my way out of Walmart and waited for Dad to pick me up from the front of the store.  I didn't have enough strength or coordination to walk all the way to the car, even though Dad had parked in one of the nearby handicap spaces.
"When you have Multiple Sclerosis your body becomes your worst enemy."
I'm not sure what is happening with me and I am going to assume it's due to the extreme humidity of the day but I'm not even sure.  My right leg is not only weak, but I have lost much feeling in my foot and leg, all the way to my upper thigh.  Both my feet and ankles are a bit swollen, too, which happened suddenly.  I am considering calling my neurologist, although not much seems to be achieved by my seeing him. Perhaps his wonderful nurse, Melissa, will be able to give me better advice than he will, as seems to be the case in most instances.  If I still feel as horrible as I do now in the morning I will, most likely, try to get a hold of Melissa and see what she recommends.  I swear I stick with my neurologist because I love her so much!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A week filled with too many damn tears....

I have not been doing too well this week and parts of my life have suffered because of this.  I don't like that I have been ignoring my blog as this is a sort of therapy for me, but I have been paying little attention to my beloved cats and there is no excuse for this as they need one-on-one time with me.
What has been happening with me?  Depression.  Deep, sad, ongoing depression and I cannot seem to shake it.  I know it will eventually pass but I am so tired of the life I have that it may take more time than I would like.  I'm just sad.  Deeply fucking sad.

My way of dealing with depression is not the best, and I know this.  Rather than talking about what I have been feeling with my friends, I lock it away deep inside and spend many days crying as I try to pull myself together.  Have I been able to do this?  Hmm, I suppose I have to some extent, but not nearly enough.  I reached my breaking point on Monday, when on the way to my chiropractic appointment.  Nothing major had happened but after less than 10 minutes on the road, I asked my dad to turn around and take me back home while Mom kept asking if there was anything they could do for me.  No, there was nothing they could do.  I was tired of needing rides to my appointments and arriving late to most of them, not being able to do almost anything for myself, dealing with unending pain and being alone.  I enjoy living on my own but I realized how lonely I have become.  The only ones who call me on the phone are my parents and/or reminders for medical appointments.  That's it.  No one else ever calls me.  To be fair, I don't call anyone either but hey, I DON'T HAVE MANY FUCKING FRIENDS WHO LIVE NEARBY!!!
So why have I not written lately?  When I am hurting too much, especially emotionally, it becomes nearly impossible for me to put words down and share what I am going through.  I know what I am doing is not fair to the wonderful friends I have online since we are always there for one another, but it's so hard for me to share my pain since I became accustomed to being teased when I "complained" when I was growing up.  My older brother basically drilled into my young mind that I was a whiner and nobody wanted to hear it anymore, so now I clam up and choose not to share my pain with those whom I should be sharing all of this.

I prefer to be looked upon as someone who is strong and dependable, rather than a woman who has many weaknesses, pain, depression, fears, sadness and nightmares.  But then again, I am only human.  Yes, I am strong but I can't be strong every moment of every day.  I have my moments of severe depression when life is almost too much to bear and nothing will console me except time alone to wallow in my misery.  And when I emerge from my tears, I just want to be held.  To be told I am loved just as I am, even when I am shaking from all the crying and am unable to speak through the tears.  Is this really too much to ask for?  Do I come off as so damn strong that it is incomprehensible to believe I may need someone to depend on?  Well, here it is.. I, too, need someone to lean on!  I need someone whom I can depend on and trust with my sadness and fears.  I need someone who is strong yet weak, loving and comforting, stubborn yet yielding, who needs me yet can stand on his own.  I think I found him.. I really do, but he's unsure so I will never force myself on him nor will I make decision for anyone but myself.
I think it's mostly my own fault that my friends see me as strong all the time as I rarely allow them to see my weaknesses and when I finally do, they're shocked to see how "real" I am.  I set myself up for the way they react as I try to be so strong for everyone, not allowing my own needs to be seen.  I really do need to work on this as my friends have told me they wish to know what is troubling me and what they can do to help.