Sunday, July 22, 2012

A week filled with too many damn tears....

I have not been doing too well this week and parts of my life have suffered because of this.  I don't like that I have been ignoring my blog as this is a sort of therapy for me, but I have been paying little attention to my beloved cats and there is no excuse for this as they need one-on-one time with me.
What has been happening with me?  Depression.  Deep, sad, ongoing depression and I cannot seem to shake it.  I know it will eventually pass but I am so tired of the life I have that it may take more time than I would like.  I'm just sad.  Deeply fucking sad.

My way of dealing with depression is not the best, and I know this.  Rather than talking about what I have been feeling with my friends, I lock it away deep inside and spend many days crying as I try to pull myself together.  Have I been able to do this?  Hmm, I suppose I have to some extent, but not nearly enough.  I reached my breaking point on Monday, when on the way to my chiropractic appointment.  Nothing major had happened but after less than 10 minutes on the road, I asked my dad to turn around and take me back home while Mom kept asking if there was anything they could do for me.  No, there was nothing they could do.  I was tired of needing rides to my appointments and arriving late to most of them, not being able to do almost anything for myself, dealing with unending pain and being alone.  I enjoy living on my own but I realized how lonely I have become.  The only ones who call me on the phone are my parents and/or reminders for medical appointments.  That's it.  No one else ever calls me.  To be fair, I don't call anyone either but hey, I DON'T HAVE MANY FUCKING FRIENDS WHO LIVE NEARBY!!!
So why have I not written lately?  When I am hurting too much, especially emotionally, it becomes nearly impossible for me to put words down and share what I am going through.  I know what I am doing is not fair to the wonderful friends I have online since we are always there for one another, but it's so hard for me to share my pain since I became accustomed to being teased when I "complained" when I was growing up.  My older brother basically drilled into my young mind that I was a whiner and nobody wanted to hear it anymore, so now I clam up and choose not to share my pain with those whom I should be sharing all of this.

I prefer to be looked upon as someone who is strong and dependable, rather than a woman who has many weaknesses, pain, depression, fears, sadness and nightmares.  But then again, I am only human.  Yes, I am strong but I can't be strong every moment of every day.  I have my moments of severe depression when life is almost too much to bear and nothing will console me except time alone to wallow in my misery.  And when I emerge from my tears, I just want to be held.  To be told I am loved just as I am, even when I am shaking from all the crying and am unable to speak through the tears.  Is this really too much to ask for?  Do I come off as so damn strong that it is incomprehensible to believe I may need someone to depend on?  Well, here it is.. I, too, need someone to lean on!  I need someone whom I can depend on and trust with my sadness and fears.  I need someone who is strong yet weak, loving and comforting, stubborn yet yielding, who needs me yet can stand on his own.  I think I found him.. I really do, but he's unsure so I will never force myself on him nor will I make decision for anyone but myself.
I think it's mostly my own fault that my friends see me as strong all the time as I rarely allow them to see my weaknesses and when I finally do, they're shocked to see how "real" I am.  I set myself up for the way they react as I try to be so strong for everyone, not allowing my own needs to be seen.  I really do need to work on this as my friends have told me they wish to know what is troubling me and what they can do to help.

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