Saturday, July 14, 2012

Sometimes my thoughts are my worst enemy

Oh my goodness, I think this is the longest I have ever gone without writing an entry and I must say I feel terrible about it.  My mind has been in a million places but I haven't been able to make it stop in one place long enough to form many coherent thoughts so I am going to attempt to make some sense tonight.
After a couple weeks  with the new TENS system, I am still unsure if it is helping as much as I had hoped but am using it as much as possible.  It never ceases to amaze me at how much power this thing uses!  Two batteries rarely last more than a couple hours, so it's a good thing I have been doing a pretty decent job of charging them up ahead of time so I haven't been left without batteries too often.  Still, it's somewhat inconvenient to need to change them as often as I've had to but as long as I get some relief, I'll continue to do so.

I guess you could say my life has fallen into a sort of lull as of late and there isn't much to write about as I truly do not find it productive nor helpful to merely write about the pain I feel nor complain about it.  There HAS to be more to life than this.  There is more, isn't there?  Or have I lost touch with life outside these four walls to such an extent, that I've forgotten what it's like to feel more alive than I have been?  This could very well be the case as I cannot even remember the last time I left my home with the sole purpose of having fun.  What is fun anymore?  For me, I couldn't even say.  Honestly, if someone were to ask me what I wanted to do for an entire day, I would be speechless.  Yes, ME, speechless!  My mind would not even know where to go to come up with any ideas, much less decide where to go or what to do.
I spent much of this past weekend and early this week crying and over analyzing things that have been happening in my life and I need to learn to stop doing this.  I freely admit to having this terrible fault in my character and need to work on it, yet it such a part of who I am!  How do I stop doing something, which truly makes me insane, yet calms me at the same time?  I can't explain why over thinking situations would relax me when in all reality, it keeps me up at night and prevents me from sleeping enough, yet I can't seem to stop.  And then I want to demand answers to my questions now!  Not later, but immediately, even though the timing is, more than likely, very premature.  Ugh, I can't even explain what I'm talking about but I think I have reached a place where I can finally stop stressing as I believe some of it has been resolved.. to a point.  Add my scattered MS-brain to the mix and you get one very messed up lady on your hands these last few days!

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