My high school reunion and Emmi Sue keeps getting weaker

I've had far too many things on my mind the last few days so I'll do my best to make some sense in this post.  The most important thing, of course, has been my Emmi Sue.  She is not doing well and I have been going out of my mind trying to keep her going.  After her vet appointment last Tuesday, I've been giving her subcutaneous fluids daily, which has been an experience in and of itself for both of us.  Her follow-up visit is scheduled for tomorrow morning for some blood work and I should learn the results by Thursday. I'm extremely concerned for my little girl as her weight continues to drop, even though one of the medications I give her is an appetite stimulant which doesn't seem to be helping too much.

I wish I could protect my Emmi Sue with such a force field!

A couple days ago, as Emmi Sue was laying in my arms, I had some music playing on my computer and the song "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley came on and I sang it to her as tears rolled down my face.  Every word I sang seemed to be written specifically for my little baby girl as I watched her tiny face and pretty eyes looking at me. 

Love Me Tender

Love me tender

Love me sweet

Never let me go.

You have made my life complete

And I love you so.

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

For my darlin' I love you

And I always will.

Love me tender

Love me long

Take me to your heart

For it's there that I belong

And we'll never part.

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

For my darlin' I love you

And I always will.

Love me tender

Love me dear

Tell me you are mine

I'll be yours through all the years

'Til the end of time.

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

For my darlin' I love you

And I always will. 

I know I'll never be able to listen to this song again without thinking of my Emmi Sue for as long as I live.  I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable but it's the most impossible task I have ever had to face.  I can deal with this stupid MS a million times over but losing one of my babies is killing me to such an extent that I have no words to describe this deep sorrow I have inside my heart.

During all this heartache I've been feeling, my 25-year high school class reunion came around this past Saturday.  I had been looking forward to it all year until I lost my ability to drive and then with Emmi Sue being as sick as she is, I put it out of my mind.  Then on Friday, I received a text from a friend/classmate asking me if I was going.  I gave him the lame excuse that I had nothing to wear but he wouldn't accept this as a reason to not attend, so I decided to go after my parents offered to not only drive me to the event, but also grandkitty sit for me that evening.  I have to admit that I desperately needed a few hours away from the stress of being at home, even though it hurts to even type those words out.

My high school graduation picture (1987)

Going to my class reunion was wonderful, though extremely exhausting.  I'm sure my experience was completely different than that of most of my former classmates as the truth is, I didn't have any real "friends" in attendance.  I say that only because the people I had considered my closest friends did not go, but that was not really much of a surprise to me.  I was in one of the shiest groups in high school but at my 15-year reunion, I realized they hadn't changed over the years but I had.  Why were they still sitting in the corner?  No one was putting them there anymore, they were.  I'm not the same person, in fact, I'm ridiculously outgoing and honest and will not be stopped from being who I am for anybody!  And.. I love who I am!  Now, I consider pretty much everyone in Alleman High School's Class of 1987 my friends.  And why shouldn't I?  They are all people, just like me.  Sure, they all moved on with their lives in extremely different ways than I, and I am so happy that they have not suffered the same disability I have, but we are still united.  That's the one thing I love about having gone to a smaller school, even though it was a Catholic high school!  I had a class with everyone except TWO people in those four years.  We all knew every one in attendance and that's what made it so spectacular.

Having gone to Catholic school all my life, someone had the presence of mind to round up all of who survived St. Anne's grade school and junior high and we had a group photo and I loved that so much.  Being that I haven't asked anyone's permission, I am choosing not to name anyone, but that's me, second from the end on the right hand side in the pink top.  Ahh, the memories we shared from the 1st grade on up through the 12th grade!

I am still completely physically exhausted from the reunion but loved every minute of it.  I can't wait for the next one!  The number of people who showed up was astounding and shows how much we all wanted to catch up and share laughs, smiles and new experiences.

OK, but now it's time to get back to reality and my sweet little girl.  I only hope the vet and I can do more for her as my heart cannot take much more of this worrying.  I need Emmi Sue to get stronger.  For my darlin' I love you... and I always will.♥

My Emmi Sue is fighting for her life.

I learned some very distressing news last Thursday.  As I've written before, one of my kitties, my little Emmi Sue, was having blood sugar issues but it had recently been resolved so she was no longer receiving insulin.  Her doctor and I were still concerned because of her losing far too much weight lately, so I took my baby in to see her one week ago to have blood drawn so she could run a series of tests to find what was causing the weight loss.

My Emmi Sue laying on our bed, before the massive weight loss began.

Emmi Sue's vet, Dr. Kulemin, called me last Thursday with the test results while I was out to eat with my parents and by the look on my face, my mom knew it wasn't good.  I learned that my sweet little girl has chronic kidney disease (CKD).  There is no cure for this and her condition is quite advanced as her phosphorus levels are through the roof, meaning her kidneys have lost around 90% of their function.  The doctor prescribed a couple medications to help stabilize Emmi Sue's condition as much as we can and luckily, she is not giving me too much trouble in taking them.

I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject of feline chronic kidney disease, as I wish to be as educated on this as much as possible, yet I find myself bursting out in tears many times throughout the day and I'm completely inconsolable.  I'm trying to enjoy each moment with Emmi Sue as I know our time together will not be as long as I had hoped, yet when I look into her pretty green eyes, I feel she knows something is happening inside her tiny body.  I will do everything in my power to keep her alive and make her life as happy as possible, yet I feel I will also know when it's time to let go.. no matter how much it will kill me.  It's killing me right now just to type those words!  I promised her, and her sisters, that I will love them and give them the best lives for as long as they live, but I will not be so selfish as to keep them alive when they are in severe pain and needing me to let go.  I love them far too much to do this.  I realize I am getting ahead of myself to think this way already, but I'm trying to prepare myself for what will, inevitably, happen much sooner than I had anticipated.

My sweet Emmi Sue's adorable little face ♥

My life has been me and my kitties for the last ten years.  Just us four girls against the world, is what I tell them, and that's pretty much how it has been.  I go to the sofa, they follow me.  I head towards the kitchen, and they're right behind me.  I climb into bed, and all three jump in after me.  It's a very peaceful life we girls live here and I couldn't imagine living any other way. ♥

I wish I could drive again.....

One of the worst parts of having MS (and arthritis in my hips/pelvis) has been my inability to participate in activities I used to take for granted.  Just last year, I was able to make the trip to Iowa City, Iowa, barely an hour away, to visit my uncle and aunt (Mom's cousin and his wife) who share a home with my great uncle Emilio, who happens to be my absolute favorite tío (uncle in Spanish).  Now, I can't even make that trip with them, even though my tío Emilio turned 91 just this past weekend.  My aunt and uncle have gone to the east coast to visit their daughter (my cousin) for a week leaving my tío alone, so my parents are driving out to see him every few days to make sure he's doing well.  As much as I would love to go with them, I can't imagine making the trip without feeling horrible for days on end.  Believe me, I've learned this lesson from pushing myself far too many times and always regretted it.

For the last couple months, I've been plagued with not being able to make it the bathroom before my bladder releases, yet I'm also not emptying completely.  Because of this, I'm not taking Vesicare (or did Medicaid switch me to Enablex?) to stop the bladder spasms as it would also make "going" much more difficult.  I'm still taking my nightly dosage of Terazosin to help me go, but I feel like such a mess.  Either I go too much or I can't go at all, and this happens in the same day most of the time!  On top of this, I'm having problems eliminating from the other end due to my not being able to push (even though I never miss a day of taking generic Colace), so all I can say is UGH!!!  I guess I'll be taking an extra capsule tomorrow, even though I already take two on a daily basis.  My insides just don't feel right.

In two weeks, it will be six months since I have been able to drive my car and even though I've grown used to not driving, I really do miss being more independent.  The truth is that being able to drive myself around wouldn't accomplish much since my energy levels and strength would not allow me to do anything, but the thought of driving, in itself, is a feeling of freedom.  I really do miss that.  Just driving, music playing as I smoke and feel fresh air coming in from all sides, provided it's not as stifling hot as it has been for months on end this summer.  Yeah, that's what I'd like to do before the year is out.  I want to drive again!

He just left yet I miss my brother already!

I have been so neglectful of my blog.. what is wrong with me?  Ugh, I should be severely reprimanded for this.  As always, I will do my best to catch everyone up on the happenings in my life.

My younger brother, Gonzalo, left California for good a little over a week ago.  My parents and I thought he would stay in the area for a decent amount of time but one week later, he left on his next adventure.  He left Thursday, by train, and arrived this evening on the east coast.  I miss him so much!  We didn't see each other as much as I would have liked, mostly due to my body hurting so damn much, but the time we spent together was extremely enjoyable.  Gonzalo is one of my favorite people in the world and I didn't let him leave without telling him this, and also letting him know how much I admire and respect him.  He's not only my brother but also my friend, and I treasure him more than words can say.

With my brother at our favorite Thai restaurant.. August 29, 2012

My biggest concern lately has been my little Emmi Sue.  At her vet appointment last week, her doctor informed me that her blood sugar was at 122 (a good number) but her weight had dropped quite a bit.  She had lost 3/4 of a pound in less than a month!  That's quite a bit for a kitty who weighed less than 9 lbs. to begin with.  I've noticed her behavior changing lately and I've become increasing worried about my sweet little girl.  I've had Emmi Sue for almost her entire life and cannot even imagine life without her!  She will be 16 in March (80, in people years) so her health is not going to be as stable as it was in her younger days.  With her weight dropping so quickly and significantly, the doctor is wondering if, perhaps, she also has hyperthyriodism, as Jinger was diagnosed with a few years back.  We have an appointment Tuesday so until then, I'm making sure Emmi Sue is getting all her favorite canned (classic) paté Fancy Feast cat food.  I just bought 40 cans, so I'm sure that will be more than enough. ♥

My sweet little Emmi Sue.  I can't put into words how much I adore my baby girl!

I'm scheduled for my 3rd cortisone injection this coming Thursday but I'm not sure if I'll keep the appointment yet or not.  I suppose it's too soon to tell how I'll be feeling by then but the lower back pain I've been having since my last injection has been very bothersome.  It hits me the hardest at bedtime, yet it's always there.  I've also noticed my MS problems coming and going, but mostly sticking around for days and weeks on end.  Both my feet are horribly numb, much more than my usual, accompanied by the most annoying ITCHING on the tops of my feet and up to the sides of my ankles.  Luckily, I discovered Walmart's Equate brand "Maximum Strength Anti-Itch 1% Hydrocortisone Anti-Itch Cream" (same type of cream as Cortaid, but less expensive) takes care of this itch within a few minutes, but then the itch moves to a different area and I have to apply the cream there.  It gets terribly annoying but at least this cream takes away most of the discomfort.  I do know that itching is one of the strangest MS symptoms in existence, so it's good that I found a way to combat it, at least when it happens on my feet.

OK, enough for tonight.. I'll try to continue more soon.  I wish everyone the loveliest weekend!

I love being a girl!

I had the girliest of girly days Tuesday.  Allow me to set this up for you.  Until around when I was 35 years old or so, I was an obsessive nail biter.  I bit those things almost down to the nub, too.  Ugh, my hands looked awful!  What made it worse is that my hands are small with short fingers (my palms are the largest part of my hands), so my hands looked absolutely horrible.  In my early 20's, I discovered artificial nails, but not the ones you get done at a salon, but the full nails that are bought at any store with nail glue.  The nails looked convincingly real and I enjoyed polishing these nails to perfection and showing off my lovely hands.  It turned out that my fingers, with longer nails, looked stunning, slim and not nearly as short as they had with munched on fingernails.  I was ecstatic.

The negative part of using artificial nails and glue is that it weakens the real nail and doesn't allow much growth, which had kind of been my intention when I had decided to wear them in the first place.  I guess it was around 2003 or '04 when I chose to stop using fake nails and grow out my own natural nails.  It took a while for them to regain some strength, although I am plagued with eternally weak, bendy nails as my mom has.  Now, my nails are so long and pretty and I love to look at my hands.  This leads to my girly day.

I was in my bathroom on Sunday when I lost my balance and grabbed the nearest wall and ugh!  I ripped one of my longest nails (my right ring finger) almost completely off.  I cursed the wall so loud!  I quickly put a band-aid around the finger to save the nail and thought to myself that I had seen something called a "nail wrap" at the store and wondered if I would be able to save my nail with it.  I know anyone who has never had long nails is thinking I was (and still am) insane to stress over a damn nail, but think about how much I am able to do in my daily life.  Umm, nothing!  I still cannot drive and August makes it five months since I've been behind the wheel.  My favorite thing to do is do my nails!  So yes, I was adamant on saving this nail.

When Dorraine arrived on Tuesday, we had to take Emmi Sue to the vet for her blood sugar check up (she is no longer on insulin as her sugar levels had leveled a bit too low) and afterwards, we stopped at Walgreen's.  She stayed in the car with my baby as I went in and was informed that they no longer carried nail wraps but the nearby Sally Beauty Supply had them, so off we went to Sally!  While at Sally, I was explained the correct way to use the wraps, brush-on nail resin and adhesive accelerator and know what?  I was able to save my fingernail!

OK, so on to slightly more important things.  How have I been feeling?  Well, I went in for my second cortisone injection yesterday afternoon, which explains the radiating pain I am experiencing from my hips today.  I'm sure this will pass within the next few days as it did get somewhat better after the first injection.  I'm hoping I won't need to go in for the third round of cortisone in a couple weeks, but we'll see how my body feels.

The worst side effect I experienced from the cortisone was extreme depression and the "need" to eat from the moment I would awaken for an entire week after the treatment.  However, I armed myself against it this time.  I called my psychiatrist ahead of time and was given an extra 50mg. Pristiq for one week to add to the 100mg. I take each day.  I hope this helps as my depression had gotten quite bad.  I also increased my Topamax back up to three tablets in the morning and evening, rather than two at both times.  I've been less hungry for the last week or so, so I know it is already working but not sure how it will react against the cortisone.  I just didn't want to leave things to chance or my own will-power, as I would be sure to fail if I had done that.

Some may disagree that choosing medication is a way of depending on myself, but knowing when to ask for help is a strength, not a weakness.

The best news is that my younger brother, Gonzalo, has left California and is back home!  He came by train but with my not feeling too well today, I won't have my parents pick me up to visit until tomorrow.  It'll be so nice to see him again as it has been almost a year since the last time we spent time together and I love him so much. ♥

Cortisone update

The cortisone injection on Wednesday went well and I have been feeling a lot of relief, although I've been having some strange pains in different parts of my hips, but I'm sure it will pass.  I'm very happy with the outcome so far and was surprised at how easy it was to keep my blood sugar controlled.  Sure, I checked it quite a few times and took some extra insulin, but it was back to normal by the following day.  I was honestly expecting my sugar to stay very high for days, as is usually the case when I'm put on steroids for MS.

Ever since I went through a few weeks of very deep depression, I haven't been able to get completely back to being myself but after the cortisone last week, I feel very disconnected from everything once again.  My cats are annoying me, I have very little desire to chat with any of my friends, all I do is sit at my computer and smoke.. it's been a very dismal existence and on top of it all, I've gained at least 10 or 15 lbs. in the last few months.  I guess I should have expected the weight gain since all I can do is sit on my ass, even when I'm in the shower!  I'm just so tired of looking the way I do and feeling so empty inside.  I need some sort of a change yet I have no clue what sort of change I am seeking.  I'm so sick and tired of feeling sad and depressed and not knowing where the hell my life is going!  My life is completely stagnant and I have no idea how to get it moving again.

Pain clinic and Michael Phelps keeps on winning

The appointment at the pain clinic, this past Thursday, went rather well but the outcome was not what I had expected.  The doctor whom I saw, Dr. Panozzo, concluded that the intense pain I have been experiencing is not from the MS (although it is, most likely, making it worse) but from arthritis.  Arthritis?  All this hell is coming from arthritis???  Oh my goodness!  I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse this pain would be if I did not take Glucosamine Chondroitin triple strength twice per day, every day, for years now!  I was told I had some arthritis in my shoulders many years ago and that this supplement would help in relieving the pain, which it has, so I have been very faithful in taking it.  My chiropractor has also mentioned that I have some arthritis in my hips and back so while I wasn't completely surprised in what Dr. Panozzo said, I was shocked beyond belief by the horrible agony I felt when he poked me in two separate areas.  One was on my right, upper butt cheek, almost at my waist (I think this is called the flank?) and the other was on my right hip.  I am STILL feeling pain where he applied pressure and it's been over twenty-four hours since it occurred.  Damn.  This arthritis is a bitch!

One of the decisions I chose to make, after discussing it with Dr. Panozzo, is that it appears receiving Cortisone injections is my only alternative for relief, unless I wish to take oral medications.  Honestly, this pain is too severe to consider oral meds as the only way out of this!  I asked him how much of a chance there was that the Cortisone would raise my blood sugar levels and he said 100%.  Ugh.  This was not what I wanted to hear.  The good thing is that he said the higher blood sugar could last as little as one day, but possibly as long as four days.   OK, I can deal with that.  I was thinking it would go on much longer than this, so I have chosen to have my first injection this coming Wednesday.  I'm in too much pain to worry over this anymore.  I need relief!

Michael Phelps waving at me.  Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Not much else has been going on with me since I'm mostly home and in pain, but watching the London 2012 Olympics is a lovely distraction.  My television is on from the moment I wake up until bedtime.  I find myself wanting the USA to win more of the events during the summer games than during the winter Olympics, but this could be because I simply adore swimmer Michael Phelps who just finished winning his 22nd career medal (18th gold!), I always cheer on the beach volleyball team of Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings and I love USA gymnastics (mostly the women although they are really just girls!).  For other events, I base my opinion on who I feel deserves the win most of all.

Michael may be only 27 but ooh la la!  I can still look..

Now I'll just wait until Wednesday and see how the Cortisone injection works for me.  I hope it's as miraculous as it has been for so many others!  I could use such a miracle right about now.