Monday, June 25, 2012

A peaceful day full of reflections

This has been a peaceful day and evening for me.  I wish we could all have such lovely days where the phone doesn't ring, our children (human or four-legged) are on their best behavior, body aches are mostly under control and the day goes by without incidence.  It really has been ages since I've had one of these and it was much needed.
When I first saw this posted on Facebook, I thought to myself.. hmmm, this isn't me anymore.  So above the image, I wrote:  "The funny thing about me is that I don't want to be who I used to be before the MS.  I don't remember what that life was like anymore and I really love who I am today.  I would just love to be without the pain or needing to depend on others as much as I do.  Otherwise, I guess you could say that I've made my peace with MS and the life I have."  And as those of you who follow my blog know by now, this is exactly the way I feel.  This doesn't mean I don't miss doing things I did in my youth but to spend too much time looking back with anything but fondness would only cause heartache and not accomplish anything but hours of tears and wanting for something I can never reclaim.  So why bother?  I prefer to remember what I can and smile that I was able to do what I did and relish in those times when I'm sure I made my parents insane with my craziness!  Those are the memories worth hanging on to, not the ones which would make me cry.  I'm sure we all have enough sadness in our lives already and I, for one, do not wish to be more heartbroken than I need be.
When I was told I had MS, I felt it was the end of the world for me but what I hadn't realized was that it was actually the beginning of a new life and a new, exciting way of thinking.  It's true that I didn't allow this change to really take place until I was around the age of 37 or so, but it finally happened when my mind was able to embrace what lay before me.  How did this happen?  It didn't actually hit me until earlier today but I had hit rock bottom, which is when the greatest changes tend to occur in most people.

I had just gone through a terrible break up with my paralyzed ex-boyfriend.  It was so bad, in fact, that I tried to commit suicide as a way of making him stay with me.  I still cannot put my mind around the fact that I had done that, but that was how desperate I was for the mental abuse to continue because it was all I thought I deserved.  After two ex-husbands who had not treated me well and then this man who was not too mentally stable, I was afraid for him to go so I did the unthinkable.  I shot myself up with far too much insulin and followed it with a handful of Valium.  I ended up in the emergency room and then stayed for a couple days in the I.C.U. (intensive care unit) until my body stabilized.  While in the hospital I asked one of the nurses for some paper and wrote a diary entry, as I had kept a diary for around 25 years, and when I finished writing I signed it Lucy.  It was at that moment when the old me was put to rest and a new me began to emerge.  I would never look back after that point.
I am always a work in progress but there is one thing that changed drastically in the last few years.  I really and truly love who I have become and this is something I could never have said before.  When this change took place exactly, I can't even say, but it happened.  Maybe I just got tired of being miserable and finally realized the only one who could change my reality was me.  I'm not even sure but I think maybe that was it, or at least part of it.  Or maybe I wanted to be as wonderful as I felt my three little girls believed I was.  Yeah, there's more truth in that than anything else I could ever say.  I wanted to be more like them!  I embraced more of a carefree attitude (which my younger brother would probably debate!) and realized that not believing in a higher power and announcing this was the right thing for me and in doing this, I freed myself from the prison my heart and mind had been living in.  From that moment forward, each day has had more promise, seemed brighter and I've been happier in my own skin so it has been one of the absolute best decisions I ever made for myself.

Each of us has our own path to take and our choices are ours alone but the consequences of these options can be either damaging or life affirming.  I choose to no longer make harmful decisions and take my time before selecting what to do, whereas I used to behave rather recklessly.  This is my one chance at life and I intend on making the best of it.

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