Wednesday, March 28, 2012

MS.. MRI results leaving me both happy and utterly confused

I had a surprise phone call this afternoon.  OK, so it was not technically this afternoon since I'm writing after midnight.. I'm referring to Tuesday, but I will write as if it were today since I have yet to go to bed.

Anyway, my neurologist's nurse, Melissa, called to inform me that the results were in from the MRI's I had just had on Monday.  I was almost speechless!  I have never been called so quickly with my scan results and this was only the beginning of the good news.  She told me that they did not find any new lesions, even with the contrast that had been injected that is used to "highlight" active MS lesions.  This was wonderful news, but yet I'm left very confused.  The way I have been feeling lately.. the horrible pain in my body, is NOT my imagination.  It is most definitely not my diabetes as I make sure my blood sugar levels are kept in check, I see my endocrinologist every three months, have all the necessary blood work done and my A1C is rarely over 6.5 (diabetics should try to keep it under 7.0 at their three month check up).  So if the MS is not active and it's not the diabetes, what's going on?

I'm left wondering if my body is, perhaps, just aging more rapidly with the MS and I'm feeling all the aches and pains of someone much older than my almost 43 years.  The pain in my back, hips and pelvis has been so violently harsh the last couple days that it has left me clutching at anything I get a hold of while I sit and tears practically shoot from of my eyes as the pain becomes stronger and stronger.  While at my chiropractor today, he could barely touch me without my body stiffening up and almost jerking off the table as I held back a few screams, even though he is very gentle in the way he treats my body.
I'm not ashamed to admit I'm scared out of my wits right now.  I can't put my finger on what is happening inside my body or what to do about it since I feel I am doing all I can at the moment and will continue with the Tysabri infusions for at least three more months, if not longer.  I'm just used to learning that, with what I know is an "MS attack," there is evidence of it on the MRI scans and this time there is no proof and I find it rather disturbing.  I never want to be considered a hypochondriac because I am anything but.  To look at my face and see the way I am barely walking is to know the pain is real and the MS is most definitely acting up.  So why did it not show up on the MRI scans?  I'm thoroughly confused and want this phase to be over already.  It has barely been a week since this exacerbation began, although I knew it was coming for many months from the way my body was feeling.  I suppose all I can do is ride this out, keep hoping for the best and rejoice in knowing I have many people who care as much as they do.. yet I find it difficult to be happy when the pain is real and is not lessening in any way, shape or form.

I will never give up the fight and I will remain strong.. but I am tired.  I am so tired and maybe this is why I have chosen to remain single.  It's easier to be strong for one person than for two.  If I'm having a tremendously difficult day, I can feed and medicate my kitties, take my own meds and go back to bed without having to worry what anyone will think or feel.  It's only me I need to worry about and I guess I truly prefer it this way.  Perhaps some will find this selfish yet I see it as just the opposite.  It is the most selfless way to be.. and it is how I've chosen to live my life because I can.

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