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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Single by choice

When you were a child, or even an adolescent, didn't you dream of being married and living happily ever after?  I'm sure this wasn't everyone's dream but it was definitely mine.  I wanted a dozen children who would all be adopted, except maybe one.  I couldn't imagine a life without a husband and children and, most likely, a dog.  Yes, my family had a dog while I was growing up so I was not a fan of cats just yet but this would change by the mid 80's.

The dream I had seemed somewhat unlikely since I was terribly shy and painfully insecure in high school and didn't have my first date until I was 20 years old.  The following year came the MS diagnosis, which threw me into such a tailspin that nothing in my life seemed to make sense anymore.
The life that lay before me was not what I had envisioned for myself in the least so when I met a guy (9 years my junior) who seemed nice and said he loved me, I believed him and married him two months later.  I was 28 and he was 19.  I honestly thought our marriage would work because I thought I loved him but I also believe I was more in love with the idea of being in love and married, than with the reality of whom I had just wed.

The marriage was terrible and he became abusive but yet if I had to do it all over again, I would.  If it hadn't been for marrying him, I wouldn't have my three beautiful cats and they made every moment of pain I endured with him worthwhile.  So after a little less than two years, I divorced him and was free but yet still terribly unsure of myself and what the future would hold.  What would happen to me now?  A single woman with MS who had three cats and probably couldn't have children?  While married to him, we tried to get pregnant and I was put on fertility meds and nothing happened, so it was pretty clear that I would have difficulty in this area.  It was one more strike against me.

Less than a year after divorcing him, I remarried and it was a mistake from the start.  I was still desperately trying to hold on to someone, anyone, who would and could love me despite all the crap that went along with me.  He was not abusive but the marriage was less than adequate so two years later, I chose to divorce him and move on with my life.  This time, however, I didn't look outside my home for comfort.  For almost two years, I mostly stayed home with my three amazing little kitties and found peace and happiness within myself and learned to accept and even love myself in a way I never had before.
This year, I will celebrate 10 years of being happily divorced from hubby #2 and I am truly content with being single.  I no longer have the dream of needing to be married and I surely do NOT want children!  At 42 years of age, children are the last thing I need taking my last bit of energy to make it through the day.

Over these last ten years I have met a number of men, most of whom have been wonderful, yet I'm usually the one who choses to end the relationships.  I've come to realize that it's not that there's anything "wrong" with them or even with me, but I've become extremely comfortable with being single and I'm also tremendously stubborn, so needing to change the way I do things or feel towards anything feels pointless and rather annoying.  It could also be that I haven't met the "right" man to have in my life.. I'm not sure.  I'm also not convinced that man exists for me, but that's just how I see it.

Mine isn't a perfect life by any means, but I'm happy.  I have my own house that is handicap accessible in case my MS takes a turn for the worst, I'm still able to drive, my parents live nearby and our relationship is strong, I have a couple friends whom I know I can count on, my cats are in relatively good health and we love each other so much!  What more could I ask for at this point?  I know I am very loved and appreciated but yes, there are days when I wish I had a man by my side.. then I remember how easily annoyed I can become so that feeling quickly goes to the curb.  Being single is not a bad thing.  It gives me the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I please!  And I see NOTHING wrong with that.

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