Translate

Saturday, April 28, 2012

One man and three pretty kitties = a new outlook

Many times, when I spend time with my parents and share my thoughts on life and how far I've come in recent years, I can't help but feel they are amazed at the woman I have become.  I am the first to admit that my life was very unstable from a young age because of my mental state.  I was consumed with anger, self hatred and extreme low self-esteem, yet the outside world saw me as a very mature teenager.  I suppose this was due to my being quiet, keeping to myself most of the time and always respecting my elders, so this was interpreted as maturity.  Damn, were they ever wrong!  Even my parents had me pegged wrong when I was in my teens, or perhaps it was easier for them to see me as "different" from my brothers and leave it as that.
I had a severe case of inferiority complex through my 20's and into my 30's and it affected my life in terrible ways which I will not get into here.. or at least not at this time.  It was absolutely impossible to give and receive love when I felt no love for myself and couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to love me.  Yes, I loved my parents and I tried to love both my husbands but something wasn't right in both those relationships.  I suppose, for the first time, I began to realize that they weren't good enough for me and I began to see a little bit of my own self worth but I still had a long way to go.

After my second divorce in September 2002, I chose not to go out to meet another man and this lasted a few years.  I was already receiving Social Security and really had no need to leave home for anything, aside from going to the store or doctor's appointments, so I spent all my time with my three kitties.  It's amazing how, if we choose to keep our hearts and minds open, we can learn so much from our pets.  I have learned countless things from my cats and I truly wish I could be more like them!  They taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of a gentle touch and soft spoken word.  I owe so much to my girls but during that time, someone else entered my life who changed it forever.  His name was Magdy.

I used to enter chat rooms on Yahoo and preferred chatting with men over women so when a person named Magdy had messaged me, I automatically assumed it was a woman and this deeply offended him.  In all capital letters, he messaged back something like "NO, I AM A MAN!"  He was from Alexandria, Egypt but living in Kuwait because there was more work in that country.  He was not, however, Muslim.  He was Coptic Christian, a religion I had not heard of until that point, but took it upon myself to do some reading on it to be more informed on the subject.  I won't go into details about him or the relationship we had and he has, unfortunately, passed.  During the time we knew one another, I never had anything but the utmost respect for him and his beliefs.  But knowing Magdy changed things inside me and I am forever indebted to him for this.  I have never "met" anyone like him in my life and wish I had had the chance to hug him at least once but he became too sick for us to meet in Mallorca, Spain, as had been our plan.  I still carry his smile, voice, his very essence in my heart and will never let him go.  I am a better person for having known him and I was fortunate enough to have those two and a half years with the beauty that was Magdy. 
There is a song that makes me cry uncontrollably to this day as it reminds me of him and that song is My Immortal by Evanescence.  Even at a distance, we'd wipe away each other's tears and help one another through all the pain we were dealing with.  Me, with my MS and Magdy, with his heart problems and finally with the prostate cancer that took his life.  He will always be the love of my life for so many reasons and I dedicate these song lyrics to him, as I dedicate the tears I cry to him each time I hear the song.

My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me by  your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face still haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1mPY9z4kvQ&feature=related

After Magdy passed away there was a deep sadness in me but I was able to find strength within myself that I would not have been able to do if it had not been for him and my three little girls.  It was not an easy thing to do and even though almost seven years have gone by since I had him in my life, I think of him often and remember the sweet sound of his voice.. and I smile.  I am the product of my life experiences, good and bad.  I've chosen to take the bad times and make them into positive experiences by learning from them and taking the good times and making them as glorious as humanly possible.

No comments:

Post a Comment