I had a severe case of inferiority complex through my 20's and into my 30's and it affected my life in terrible ways which I will not get into here.. or at least not at this time. It was absolutely impossible to give and receive love when I felt no love for myself and couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to love me. Yes, I loved my parents and I tried to love both my husbands but something wasn't right in both those relationships. I suppose, for the first time, I began to realize that they weren't good enough for me and I began to see a little bit of my own self worth but I still had a long way to go.
After my second divorce in September 2002, I chose not to go out to meet another man and this lasted a few years. I was already receiving Social Security and really had no need to leave home for anything, aside from going to the store or doctor's appointments, so I spent all my time with my three kitties. It's amazing how, if we choose to keep our hearts and minds open, we can learn so much from our pets. I have learned countless things from my cats and I truly wish I could be more like them! They taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of a gentle touch and soft spoken word. I owe so much to my girls but during that time, someone else entered my life who changed it forever. His name was Magdy.
I used to enter chat rooms on Yahoo and preferred chatting with men over women so when a person named Magdy had messaged me, I automatically assumed it was a woman and this deeply offended him. In all capital letters, he messaged back something like "NO, I AM A MAN!" He was from Alexandria, Egypt but living in Kuwait because there was more work in that country. He was not, however, Muslim. He was Coptic Christian, a religion I had not heard of until that point, but took it upon myself to do some reading on it to be more informed on the subject. I won't go into details about him or the relationship we had and he has, unfortunately, passed. During the time we knew one another, I never had anything but the utmost respect for him and his beliefs. But knowing Magdy changed things inside me and I am forever indebted to him for this. I have never "met" anyone like him in my life and wish I had had the chance to hug him at least once but he became too sick for us to meet in Mallorca, Spain, as had been our plan. I still carry his smile, voice, his very essence in my heart and will never let him go. I am a better person for having known him and I was fortunate enough to have those two and a half years with the beauty that was Magdy.
There is a song that makes me cry uncontrollably to this day as it reminds me of him and that song is My Immortal by Evanescence. Even at a distance, we'd wipe away each other's tears and help one another through all the pain we were dealing with. Me, with my MS and Magdy, with his heart problems and finally with the prostate cancer that took his life. He will always be the love of my life for so many reasons and I dedicate these song lyrics to him, as I dedicate the tears I cry to him each time I hear the song.