Friday, April 27, 2012

MS.. handling changes in my body

Being alone every single day gives me a lot of time to think, and perhaps over think, many aspects of my life.  I realize I have said this before but it helps me gain a deep perspective on the direction my life is headed, or could be heading in the future.

At this moment, I am clearly having an MS relapse, even if it doesn't show up in the brain MRI's I had taken a month or so back.  I can feel it in my body so there is no denying it.  Perhaps when I have the spinal MRI's taken in early June the evidence will be there for the neurologist to see, but it doesn't change the reality of what has been occurring for quite a while now.  The MS is kicking my butt in many ways.

Apart from this exacerbation, my body has been changing over the last few years.  I'm not sure if it's the MS damaging me or if my body is aging too rapidly or a combination of both.  All I know is that two years ago when my dear aunts were here for my 41st birthday, I was standing relatively straight up with pain in my hips but nowhere near as intense as it is now.  Knowing my reality is shifting isn't easy to accept, but it's to be expected after 21 years with a chronic, debilitating disease.  There are things I need to reevaluate or relearn in different ways, so my body doesn't ache as much since the simplest of tasks now bring almost unbearable pain.
I spoke with my mom about this tonight and mentioned that even the thought of cooking simple meals, such as macaroni and cheese, are no longer possible for me.  Maybe I'll ask Dorraine to help me with this next week.  Perhaps she could make a few batches of mac and cheese for me and I'll separate portions into containers, freeze them and eat them at my leisure, rather than wonder from day to day what I'll be having for dinner.  Even making a tuna sandwich has become painful for me!  I think I'll need to ask her to prepare pretty much everything for me ahead of time so I can just go to the refrigerator and find ready-to-eat meals.  It's hard for me to do this, but it has become a necessity and I'm sure she won't mind.  Dorraine is someone I can confide in about anything and everything that is going on in my life and understands that the moment I feel better, I'll be back to taking care of the little things in my life again.  I just can't do it anymore.

The strange thing is, I'm not even feeling sad right now.  I've been able to take things in stride.. for the most part.  Sure, there are days when I feel more down than others but I still can't believe how well I've been handling the changes I've been going through lately.  Obviously, I hope this doesn't last too long and I can, at least, get back to the life I had before my right leg stopped working well enough to drive my car. 

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