Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Two days worth of ramblings

I've been in a very positive, reflective mood all day and evening.  I have been posting all sorts of uplifting messages on both mine and pages I am a member of on Facebook, hoping that others will read them and not think I am merely saying things for the sake of it but because I truly feel the way I present myself.  I also decided to make a change in my life by taking someone off my "friends list" on Facebook.  I should have done this a few months ago and truthfully only accepted his friendship because I felt he needed to have me on his list after I broke up with him earlier this year.  Things have felt awkward and strange as I've never felt comfortable keeping him in my life.  His pessimistic attitude brought me down as he was usually quite negative about life and I do my best not to feel this way.  It wasn't much of a friendship and I have moved on.  Maybe now, he will too.
I admit that I probably spend much of my time on Facebook but I've come to enjoy it very much.  I used to play many games but now that I've joined different pages, I do far more than just entertain myself with games.  The images I attach to my posts are from the pages I joined on Facebook and while on those pages, I share things about myself or simply leave a comment, sometimes inspiring and other times humorous.  Then again, maybe I'm not nearly as inspiring as I think I am!  I honestly don't know, but I do enjoy my time on that site.  I have made many friends from around the world and what I love so much is that it doesn't seem to matter to any of them that I am a disabled woman with MS.  They enjoy getting to know me simply because I am who I am.  Some are from MS pages, others from the Atheist pages and some friends are from various other areas of Facebook.

So I began this post last night and became very tired since my nighttime meds kicked in sooner than I had anticipated.  Not much has happened in the last twenty-four hours except that Mom and I spoke on the phone and although she couldn't tell from my voice, I was crying by the end of our conversation.  I try not to share all my aches and pains with my parents since they really cannot help me or do anything to ease the pain but for some reason, I told her how there have been many nights lately when I have been unable to even brush my teeth from the intense pain I feel when I'm bending over the bathroom sink.  My sink is extremely low (not sure why it was built this way) and it has become an incredibly difficult chore for me to do this very simple task.  I mean, we're talking about brushing my damn teeth!  I floss at least twice daily and use mouthwash when I get up from bed so many evenings, I've been rinsing with mouthwash, gargling and leaving it at that.  I don't let more than two nights go by without brushing, but yes, the pain has been THAT bad.  Sitting in front of the sink wouldn't help since I cannot reach the sink and my electric toothbrush tends to make me drool a bit, which is why I lean over the sink as much as I do.  Ugh.  Who would have thought that brushing would be such a difficult endeavor?  It was bad enough when I no longer had the strength to use a regular toothbrush and switched to a battery-operated one.  The clean I get from this toothbrush is superior to a manual brush so no matter what, I would never switch back.  The reason I had cried while talking to Mom wasn't because I was feeling sorry for myself but rather when I was explaining the pain, I teared up.  It's an all-consuming pain that begins in my right hip and just takes over every inch of my body until tears are streaming down my face.. from brushing my teeth!  OK, I'll stop talking about it now.
Indeed, life goes on and I try to suck all I can out of every day of the life I have.  I've wanted to include my favorite quote for quite some time and what better time than now?  So here it is.. words I try to live by.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
--Henry David Thoreau

And there you have it.  Words that inspire me to not be afraid of the unknown.  Even having MS and not being able to do as much as I'd like, I still take chances and risk getting hurt rather than living "safe" and not at least attempting new things.  I don't want to get to the end of my life thinking I hadn't at least tried and not lived while I had the chance.  I just know that when my time to die comes, I know I have lived.. and isn't that what life is all about?

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