Monday, May 14, 2012

Single, but not closed off to the possibility of Love

I have chosen to remain single but this doesn't mean I haven't had thoughts of what it would be like to have a long, meaningful relationship.  When I meet a man and we decide to date exclusively, my mind automatically wanders to a long-term commitment and perhaps even a lifetime with this particular man.  For me, it hasn't quite worked out this way and as the years go by I really do not think it ever will but I haven't closed my mind to the possibility of it happening.
When I look back at my dating life I seem to have made the same mistakes over and over again.  There is no doubt that I am confident in who I am as a person but this confidence does not extend over my entire life.  I am used to making my own decisions in my daily life so when a man enters the picture, there is a huge shift in balance.  Since my income is extremely limited and the food I keep in my home is quite scarce, new man and I usually go out to eat meaning he will pay for our dining.  This is nice at first but not too long after, causes me much stress.  I find it very difficult to choose where to eat or what to order, knowing the expense will be on him and not on me.  I do not like to take advantage of anyone's generosity, even if he (or my parents) tell me they don't mind.  But it bothers me.  It bothers me a lot.  And this is just the beginning.

Both times I was married there was too much conflict.  We argued incessantly and it brought endless headaches, migraines, stress and frightened kitties.  I never want to live that life again and I won't.  I do my best at "screening" the men I go out with ahead of time so I have an idea if they are the argumentative type or more laid back.

Once I am in a relationship, the worst thing I do is become too agreeable.  It is never the man's fault, but completely my own.  Honestly, he never has any idea I am doing it, but all the while I'm cringing inside as I lose my voice more and more with each passing day.  The problem is, I can't stay silent forever.  However, I do try to talk about things along the way to give some insight as to how I've been feeling and a few times, some of the men I've dated have realized that I've been "giving in" to simply doing everything they enjoy or watching only television shows or movies they prefer over mine, and encourage me to include them in my preferences.  If he doesn't try to listen to what I said, well, then all hell breaks loose.  I eventually blow up at the man and this is never a pretty sight for anyone to witness.
I'm not making myself seem too wonderful here but I am hardly a terrible woman to date!  I'm all heart, wear my heart on my sleeve and would still love the "happily ever after" fairytale sort of romance but I suppose the realistic side of me doesn't allow this to last for too long.  Yet I still love with all my heart and give as much of myself as humanly possible, but I suppose being 43 years old has something to do with the somewhat pessimistic attitude I've acquired.  Most relationships end and this is simply a fact of life.  I have enjoyed my time with each man I've been involved with and then moved on after the relationship ran its course.

When I think back at the loves I've had in my life, there are very few who really took my breath away and simply remembering the feeling is intoxicating even after all these years.  I long to feel that way again.  To feel my hand in his.  To look into his eyes as he is gazing into mine.  The aching need of his mouth against my lips.  Just to know he is sitting next to me or thinking of me when we are not together.  Every little feeling which would make me feel as giddy as a schoolgirl once again.  Will it happen for me?  This, I do not know but at least I know I have had love in my life and my life is good but if he is out there, why won't he hurry up and get here already?!!  I mean seriously, I am NOT getting any younger so please stop biding your time, OK?

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