Sunday, June 3, 2012

A decent day leads to a horrible evening.

What a day this turned out to be.  I'm referring to Saturday as I have yet to go to bed, in case anyone is wondering of which day I am writing.  My biggest complaint had been the difficulty I had had in attaching the TENS electrodes to my body.  There must be an easier way to do this of which I have yet to be made aware!  I'll have to ask my physical therapist on Monday about this as it is becoming quite exasperating many afternoons (even mornings, on occasion) when I am putting it on.  If I drop one more electrode on the floor, I swear I will scream at the top of my lungs!  It's no wonder they are not sticking to my body as secure as they once did, which is also causing the unit to not transfer strong electric currents into my sore body.
During the early evening, I was able to chat with a new friend on Facebook, whom I had been wanting to get to know better and enjoyed it very much.  It makes me sad to know how many people around the world are afflicted with multiple sclerosis yet it's also a sort of brotherhood we have between us and makes it easier to share our experiences with one another.  Yet it pains me deeply, it really does.  I've had this bitch of a disease inside my body for such a long time that I wish I could carry the pain and discomfort for everyone who has MS. There is no need for anyone else to go through this hell if I'm willing to do it for them, right?  And I really would do this, if I could.

When evening came, I wasn't doing anything in particular.  I was sitting at my computer as I usually do, reading posts from fellow MS'ers (I'm not crazy about this term but it's easier than always typing out "others with MS") while watching television as my three kitties napped nearby, when a sudden pain in my stomach caught me off guard.  I knew I would need to get to the bathroom as soon as possible, but I also knew that if I rose too quickly it would cause an accident right then and there, so I chose to wait a few seconds.

From my computer desk to the bathroom is probably about 30 or so feet in distance, give or take a few feet.  It's the few extra feet that caused me trouble.  I knew I was in a rush so on my way down the hall, I clipped the control box of my TENS unit to the top of my nightgown, I lifted my nightgown and the cords attached to the electrodes and the moment I stepped into the bathroom, my bowels decided to release.  Ohhhh, I was furious!  I was angry, upset, outraged, pissed off at myself and horribly ashamed that this had happened yet again.  My privates were completely covered in diarreah, as were my panties, floor and much of the toilet by the time I sat down.  I felt so humiliated.  I'm sure I now have a bacterial infection and need to call my gynecologist first thing Monday morning as I get these infections pretty easily.  Sure, why not!  Just one more thing to deal with.
"Multiple sclerosis interrupts the nerve tracts.  This leads to incontinence, impotence and paralysis."
This happened around 10pm and was in desperate need of a shower so I decided I may as well wash my hair while I was in there, meaning my hair won't be dry until around 4am.  I was hoping to get to bed early tonight but that, obviously, won't happen this evening.

What made matters worse is that a few years back, my bathroom floor needed to be replaced and it was far more economical for my parents to put carpet down rather than the tile I would have preferred, so now the carpet is covered in my feces.  I managed to clean and disinfect the toilet but could not do anything about the carpet so I called my dad and he will come over tomorrow morning or afternoon to shampoo it for me.  I hate so much that I had to call him but he reassured me that it was not a big deal and he is more than happy to take care of it.  The truth is, I never cried until I hung up after speaking with my dad.  At that moment, it hit me how horrible it will be for him to clean the mess up and the tears started and have been coming off and on ever since.

The strange thing about me is that I have no problem opening up about what is troubling me here in my blog yet on the MS RANT page, it is more difficult for me to do this.  But why?  That particular page was created specifically for MSers to RANT OUT LOUD about whatever it is in their lives that is troubling them, especially when it comes to their MS, yet it is hard for me to do so.  I even posted this sentiment in the room and a few of my online friends encouraged me by saying they were there for me and I should just let it out, so I proceeded to share what had happened.  I wasn't embarrassed to let everyone know, but rather I was feeling defeated and wasn't sure if it was the right moment or not to share my little ordeal.  In the end, I'm not sorry I shared what occurred as it's not uncommon with those of us with MS to have this happen to them.

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