Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Waiting for a moment when I can finally breathe

I haven't written much about my MS lately and it's not that it hasn't been affecting me, but when one's children aren't doing well, even if my children are cats, they truly do become the priority.
After the stress of taking Jinger and Emmi Sue to our new veterinarian this past Friday, I have not been able to relax for more than a few minutes.  When I don't see Emmi Sue anywhere nearby, I become panicked and start calling out her name over and over again until she finally comes out of hiding.  I'm literally driving myself crazy with worry and probably making her upset in the process, yet she's still being relatively clingy, at least in the evenings.  During the day, she knows I look for her so I can give her oral medications and administer the subcutaneous fluids, but I also just want to hug and hold her close to my heart.  I'm very concerned as Emmi Sue was less interested in eating as much as usual yesterday, but hopefully, she'll be back to wanting to eat a bit more today.  To be honest, as much as I need to hear what the vet will tell me she found out in the lab results when she calls later this afternoon, I dread learning the results for both Jinger and Emmi Sue.

One thing I've learned during the last week and a half since my parents have been out of the country, is that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit.  No one has been here to hold my hand as I've been dealing with many difficult moments with my beloved kitties.  It's all been about me and my babies, without much outside influence, so this shows me that I need to rely on myself more and depend on others less.  I can do more than I thought I could.  Even when it comes to driving, I've proven to myself that I can do it!  If there's much walking once I arrive somewhere, well, that's the exception for me.  There's no reason to exhaust myself since being tired is when my right leg stops functioning and makes driving absolutely impossible.
The pain in my back, pelvis and hips has been off the charts lately, but I'm sure much of it is due to my not seeing my chiropractor since my parents left on vacation earlier this month.  Had I realized I was able to drive, I would have made a few appointments in their absence but there isn't anything I can do about it now.  Perhaps I'll schedule one for Thursday as the pain is becoming unbearable.  

Aside from this "usual" pain, I seem to be retaining an extortionate amount of fluids as my ankles and feet are huge!  Even when I was getting dressed yesterday and putting on one of my more comfy, looser bras, I was barely able to put it on.  Of course, this prompted me to weigh myself and I was shocked at what I saw!  The scale showed me at 12 lbs. more than just one week ago, which is completely insane.  Each day, I drink one cup of coffee and eat one 8 oz. Greek yogurt for breakfast (around 11 am or noon).  That's all I eat until around 6 or 7 pm, aside from drinking maybe a diet 7up and/or a bottle of water.  I admit that I have not been drinking enough water lately so I have made a point to drink much more today, but the number on the scale upset me quite a bit.  I mean, later in the day I still don't eat very much as I do not allow myself to purchase sugar-filled foods or junk types of items, so what has happened?  With my girls not feeling well, I've hardly had an appetite at all, but I think my lack of drinking water is the culprit so I'm trying to hydrate myself as my sausage legs are sickening to look at.  I miss looking down and seeing my bony feet and ankles!
I have also noticed my emotions less that stable this past month and it is worrying me.  With my next appointment with psychiatrist a couple weeks away, I'm not allowing myself to get too worked up about anything, but I'm sure she will be adding another medication to the one I am already taking.  The stress, worry, anxiety I've been under is getting to me and I don't need to have a break-down at a time when my sweet babies need me to be extremely focused.  Honestly, the last thing in the world I want is to lose my grip as their health and well-being is in my hands, as I am their mother.  I hardly take this responsibility lightly so I need to make sure I'm at the top of my game for them, if not for me, but I happen to like being well.  I just need to stay focused on them, what's best for them and me, and I'm sure things will fall into place, but this has been a very stressful time in our lives.  I only hope I can hold it together as things with Emmi Sue and Jinger's health may become more challenging, before they finally level off and we can coast along peacefully and I'm finally able to take a deep breath and exhale without too much worry.

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