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Sunday, February 24, 2013

How can I possibly have more tears left to cry?

"When I'm alone, I think.  When I think, I remember.  When I remember, I feel pain.  When I feel pain, I cry.  When I cry, I can't stop..."
I feel as if I'm completely losing my grip on life.  I can't even utter Emmi Sue's name without bursting into the most gut-wrenching bouts of crying/howling/screaming than ever.  Last night, as I was holding Allie in my arms (she actually allows me to do this for a couple minutes now), I started talking to her and I asked her why she couldn't turn into Emmi Sue for just one hour each day, so I could hold her, comfort her, kiss her little black nose and tell her how much I love and miss her.  After I put my little Allie back on the floor, I felt so weak and out of sorts that I went to bed and lay down for a bit, which ended up lasting nearly five hours.  The hurt I feel inside since Emmi Sue's passing hasn't diminished and I long to wake up each morning to see her sweet tiny face looking up at me once again.  I miss my little girl more than I ever thought humanly possible and I just don't know how to move forward with my life.
Jinger came to my rescue when I was sitting here bawling my eyes out once again.  For someone who doesn't live in the past when it comes to her health, I sure as hell can't move on from losing my little girl.  I have no idea how to get over missing her.  How do people move beyond things like this?

Yesterday was 3 weeks since I quit smoking and from what I've heard and read, "anger, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, impatience, insomnia, and restlessness are valid withdrawal symptoms that peak within the first and last 2-4 weeks" (Wikipedia).  I will readily admit to having a craving for "real" cigarettes, even though there are days when I only take a puff or two from my e-cigarette.  I've been getting all kinds of strange headaches and terrible fatigue.  There have been times I'll be sitting at my computer and fall asleep!  I have never in my life done that before, at least not in the middle of the day.
I hear this in my head and hope, some day, it will be true.
I'm sure someday I'll figure life out again but for now, I can barely muster enough energy to take care of my small family's basic needs most days.  I am just surviving, no longer living, and it's not fair to my Allie and Jinger.  As much as I know this, it doesn't change anything inside my heart and mind.  A huge piece of me is missing and will never, ever return.  At times like these, I wish I wasn't an Atheist so I could believe I'd be reunited with my Emmi Sue, and someday, with Jinger, Allie and certain family members, too.  One of my favorite quotes used to be "No, heaven will not ever heaven be unless my cats are there to welcome me."  With all my heart, I wish this could be true but it's not, and that's what hurts so much.  My baby is gone and nothing will ever change this.  Fuck.  I'd do just about anything to have my Emmi Sue back with me again.

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