Thursday, March 8, 2012

I am an Atheist and of this, I am very proud

I am an Atheist and of this, I am very proud but I still I remember what it was like to believe in god and how it made me feel.  For me, it was a depressing thought that no matter what I did or did not do, I would never be quite good enough and had to constantly ask for forgiveness for being human, even though I was supposedly created in "his image."

I never felt comforted after going to confession (yes, I was raised Catholic) because sin was right around the corner and I would need to ask to be abstained of my actions once again by the next day, if not sooner.  Even my very thoughts were considered sinful, even though I didn't always do the things that had crossed my mind.  How can thinking be wrong when it is not put into action?  This was a concept that I could never grasp as I saw it as complete and utter madness, and obviously still do.
I felt as if I had to be sorry for being human and all this entailed, yet wasn't god the one who had made me the way I was and already knew what I would do before I even had the thought?  Believe me, even when I was a christian, I knew it was madness and struggled to hold on to what I professed was true.

I remember being at a retreat, back in 2003 or '04, where everyone at the table I was assigned to for the weekend kept insisting that I needed to "let go and let god" since it was clear that I was not able to do this.  Even back when I claimed to believe in christianity, I wasn't able to let go of my power of reason and let an invisible being "help" me as so many felt he could.

Which brings me to my next point which is also complete insanity.. prayer!  If this god watches over the entire world, why do people think he has time to listen to each and every person's petty little tiff every second of every day?  How selfish and egotistical!
Do christians REALLY believe their god has time for them?  In a world plagued with famine (which he could end at the snap of his fingers), hurricanes, tsunamis and earthquakes (again, he could stop or have PREVENTED these), why would he bother with your insignificant problems?  Even if you are praying for a loved one with cancer, a child who is near death or any other devastating personal health crisis.. how would this be important enough for your god to drop all he is doing to focus on YOU and YOUR life?  It was thoughts, such as these, that led me to trust myself and believe in my own strength and not lean on an invisible being for any kind of support.  I am stronger than that!  I do not have a gigantic fucking ego.  I am not self important.  I am simply me.  I do what I can to make my little corner of the world a better place by showing kindness, compassion, understanding, giving a helpful hand when possible and smiling because it could very well make someone's day a bit brighter.

I am an Atheist and of this, I am very proud.

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