MS.. here we go again

As much as I hate it, today is the day.  One of the most dreaded days for me.  A day of my life I could easily do without.  I hate to even say what it is since it will make it feel that much more real.  Come on, Lucy!  Just take a deep breath and face this!  OK, here it is.  Today is the first day of a full-fledged multiple sclerosis exacerbation for 2012, or flare, as it is also called.

It should come as no surprise that my MS is attacking me at this time.  I've felt many signs of this coming on in recent weeks but was hoping it would fade away.  Nope, no such luck.  I even recall having a dream a few weeks ago where I had almost no use of my right leg and needed my dad's old walker from when he had had a hip replacement (back in 1997).  Now I believe I may actually need that damn walker since my quad cane won't be enough to get me across most rooms.  Damn!  And forget about driving.  Shit, there goes the independence I love so much but I'd rather be safe and keep others safe from harm than risk anyone's life because of my need to do things for myself.  This is one aspect of myself of which I am very proud.  When it comes to being responsible with driving, no one can EVER say I've driven while under the influence of MS!  If the MS is active (to my knowledge), I am not behind the wheel.

Over the last few weeks, I've noticed significant weakness in my right hand, mostly in not being able to sign my name or write on my calendar (s) and dropping things repeatedly.  Then there's the non-stop excruciating pain in my lower back, pelvis and hips, but more so on the right side.  I had cut my anti-spasm/pain pills (Baclofen) in half a few weeks ago but have been taking so many halves lately that I am up to full dosages or more.  Ugh, and how can I forget how much I hurt after cleaning the litter box?  My right thigh nearly gives out every single time and I wish I could toilet train my girls!  I spent one morning crying after cleaning out the damn box.  It was absolutely horrible.  But yet I smile.. or try to, anyway.  Now I will have to work at the words I say so much, to smile through the pain and not let it dictate my life.  FUCK!

Last night, as I made my way to the kitchen to get a bottle of water from the fridge, my right leg was no longer responding too well and almost fell twice on the very short journey.  My first reaction, as it always is, was to be angry at myself and my body for betraying me yet again.  Anger, sadness, self-pity.. it all kicked in almost simultaneously, even after living with this damn disease for 21 years.  Each time MS rears its ugly head, re-acceptance needs to take place and I'm damn tired of having to go through the fucking steps over and over again.  I'm getting too old for this crap!

Speaking of crap, did I mention that I haven't had a "movement" in days?  Well, hell.. if I can't feel much of my body and it's not responding to my commands as it should, how the heck would I be able to go?  My brain can't find my legs, which shouldn't be too difficult since I can at least look down and "help" my mind with the commands I'm sending, but when it comes to going to the bathroom.. umm.. I can't see what it has to do!  It's so demeaning and frustrating and is probably yet another reason why my back and pelvis are hurting so damn much.  Today is just a sucky-ass day and yet I'm hopeful that it will get better.. I think?  At least tomorrow Dorraine will be here to take me to the chiropractor and the store to pick a few things up to hold me through for a few days.

I know this is not the end of the world and should get better soon even though those of us with MS know each time our MS kicks in, we have no idea how long it will take before our lives get back to normal.. or if we will have to find a new "normal" to learn to survive in again.