Thursday, April 19, 2012

MS.. doing my best not to freak out

I do my best not to "freak out" over my MS and what it is doing to my body but there have been many times lately when I wonder when the progression will stop.  Too many things have been occurring which I hope will not continue for long, but nobody can reassure me of anything.

When I was with my parents today, I mentioned that it could be very possible that my driving days ended a month ago and my mom's reaction was that of complete shock, while my dad automatically said something like "no, you'll be better soon."  It's a normal response to wish things to return to how they were before and I am not being negative in the least.  I am choosing, for the first time in my life, to face what could be my new reality before it happens.  This is not to say I am wishing for this to be true, but I'd rather come to terms with it "just in case."  I'd rather be excitedly shocked if I get better than speculate.  Besides, the way things have going, driving or not being able to drive is the least of my problems.
I am relieved that I have an appointment with my urologist this Monday, even though the reason for seeing him is a post kidney stone check up.  What has been happening to me AGAIN is not being able to empty my bladder completely, yet feeling incredible urgency to go and not quite making it to the bathroom far too often.  But when I do make it in time, the amount I am emptying is so little that I can still feel my bladder is full.  My nightly dose of Terazosin has not changed so I believe this problem is due to my MS acting up.  I may be wrong, but I feel the next step will be for me to self-catheterize, which I have done in the past.  Ugh, I hate needing to do that but if it is necessary, so be it.  It's better than getting a bladder or kidney infection and I'm tired of needing to wash myself off and change panties repeatedly throughout the day.  I don't have enough energy for all this!

I wonder if this is why I have been feeling completely run-down every single evening by 5 or 6pm.  It feels as if every ounce of energy drains out of me and it takes all my strength to even remain conscious.  These sort of things tend to aggravate me since I feel confused and I'm not sure what is causing these disturbances in my every day life.  If I had the answers as to "why" I'm feeling so unwell, I would not be quite as upset yet I choose not to be angry or depressed.  The last thing I need is to allow any of this to get worse simply because I couldn't keep hold of my emotions.  I learned my lesson long ago and I won't let myself slip.


  1. Sorry about all these new problems you've been having, but I hope your dad is right. Take care of yourself.

    1. I just take it one day at a time and yes, I hope my dad is right, too.