Tuesday, April 17, 2012

MS.. this flare has been going on for a month already?

I hadn't realized it until Mom mentioned it yesterday but tomorrow will be four weeks since I haven't been able to drive, or one month that I have needed to rely on others to drive me anytime I have had the need to leave my house.  Wow, a month already?  But more important, it has been a month since this exacerbation began.  Personally, I prefer to call it an exacerbation, as is the correct term, even though most people tend to call it a flare or flare up.  Either way, the meaning is the same and it is not enjoyable in the least.

Since this exacerbation began I've had a few terribly bad days, not even counting the weekend I had a kidney stone, but I feel I have been handling it pretty well.  What I had done in the past in such an instance was to pack up my girls and go to my parents' house until I felt better.  As much as I love Mom and Dad, this change in scenery brought on a lot of stress to all of us (OK, mostly me!) and it didn't work out too well for anyone.  This has been the beauty of becoming close friends with Dorraine and her coming to my house four times per week, as opposed to only twice.  She helps me take care of my three girls, does most of my housekeeping and spends time with me, allowing us time to share thoughts and laughs.. and this has been almost life saving for me.  Remaining independent has become extremely important and with Dorraine's help, this has been possible without too much effort on my part.  My parents call me daily to make sure I'm doing alright and bring me anything I need so between them and Dorraine, I can't imagine wanting for anything at this point.. well, aside from having full use of my body, that is!
Emmi Sue went to the veterinarian this afternoon to have her two week blood sugar check and I wasn't happy to hear that it had not gone down too much.  The vet was hesitant to increase the amount of insulin she is receiving because of her small size, so the dosage has not changed.  I hope her sugars will be improved in two weeks for her next appointment but only time will tell.  I'm feeding Emmi Sue and her sisters only food bought at the vet's office since it is more natural and very low in carbohydrates, so I am following medical advice as to what they should be eating.  I'm not sure what else I should do at this point and feel quite helpless when one of my girls is not doing well although to look at her, you would not know she isn't feeling as good as usual.  She is as loving and clingy as ever!

Ahh, so tomorrow is my four week anniversary or "monthiversary" of this flare up.  I just wonder if my body will return to how it was before this began or if it will remain this way at the end of the exacerbation and I will need to give up driving and doing many things for myself indefinitely.  The "what if's" of MS are the most difficult part of this disease.  It's the never having any answers and no one being able to tell you what the future holds that can become aggravating.  But such is life.. and yes, it sucks.  But getting angry or upset will not change anything so I'm choosing to not stress out over things I can't alter.  Damn, sometimes I hate being mature.  Throwing a temper tantrum is kind of fun, in it's own way.  Oh, well.. I suppose my rational mind won't allow it.. at least not tonight.
As I chose this last image for my blog, it got me thinking.  I'm sure the person who wrote it wasn't thinking of anything such as MS, but in my mind, it fits perfectly.  I wish I could let go of the MS itself, but since I can't expel it from my life what I can do is rid myself from thinking that stressing, worrying, even crying over what is happening to me will somehow change the outcome.  In fact, all these actions WILL change how I feel, in the negative sense.  Too much stress has been shown to bring on an MS flare up, so why would I want to remain in this state for a longer amount of time?  No, thank you!  It's the same reason I am an advocate for getting any sort of psychiatric care, if necessary, when dealing with MS or any other condition.  Feeling anxious, eternally down in the dumps and all that entails is no way to live and it ruins every aspect of our days so if this is where you are in your life, I urge you to speak to your doctor/neurologist.  I highly dislike medications but sometimes, they are necessary to improve our lives.  And I do love being happy and smiley. :)

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