Monday, April 16, 2012

MS.. talking about sex part 2

I wasn't too pleased with yesterday's post.  Much of last night and today was filled with thoughts of what I could add to make the "sex talk" more complete, at least in my eyes.  I try my best to write from a very personal perspective and I feel I failed to do this yesterday and for that, I apologize.

The most difficult aspect in discussing sex with our partners, at least for me, has been facing it as a single woman.  For some reason men tend to feel it is their inherent right to ask, before even knowing too much about me, if I am still able to have sex.  Why is this the first thing on anyone's mind?  OK, I suppose it would cross my mind too, but I would be embarrassed to voice it right away since it wouldn't be my business to know at that point.

The way I usually meet men is through online dating.  It has allowed me to keep a social life, at least in dating, since I am not able to get out as often as I would like.  I interact with these men through messaging, phone calls and then meeting for our first date.  But honestly, 4 out of 5 times, these men will ask me if I am able to have sex, inspiring me to reply "yes, of course I can but not with you tonight."  I may live alone and am somewhat disabled, but I am hardly desperate!
Although I was a bit unsure of how it would be to date, this soon changed.  Strangely enough, I have come to enjoy dating the last few years.  My body aches more, the MS is visibly apparent since I can no longer leave my house without my quad cane, I limp more than I'd like.. but with the passing years has come a sort of acceptance of my disease and what it has done to me.  Most of all, I have embraced that none of it was my fault.  It happened by luck of the draw, or unluck, as is my case.  Life isn't always fair and this is what I have to face in my life.

I guess with acceptance of the MS has come an understanding of my body and what it is and isn't capable of doing.  I am still a woman.. and a very sensual, sexual woman at that.  I will not stifle this side of myself just because the MS is obviously present.  And the wonderful thing I have found is that with each passing year, men have become more accepting and understanding because they, too, have gotten older and are no longer as energetic or agile as they once were.  This has made talking about sex easier for me, even though, as I'm sure most of you have noticed by now, I do not have much trouble in voicing my thoughts and feelings.

I think the most important thing those of us with MS need to do before discussing sex and intimacy with a partner (including both husbands or boyfriends), is having a heart-to-heart with ourselves.  We are still the same person as before, even though our bodies may have changed in the way they feel, look and/or respond.  If we are no longer comfortable with ourselves, how is someone else going make us feel sexy?  Well, no one can do this for us.  We have to do this for ourselves.  It's the same as expecting someone to make us happy when we know all too well that happiness comes from within.  So even if the first thing you must do is a little sexual self-exploration to find what still feels good and what no longer does, I feel it's a good place to start.  There is no shame in learning how your body will react, since your pleasure points may have been altered.  If you understand yourself, imagine how much better you will be able to communicate with your partner.  And no, I did not read this last part on any website or in a manual.  It is my own personal advice to everyone as I cannot think of a better way of knowing what still feels good or what no longer is a turn on than figuring it out firsthand.
I live alone with very little human contact, spending much of my days thinking!  As a 43-year old single woman with MS who does not work, many thoughts go through my mind but most of those center on what I can write in my blog or how I can improve on it to make it more interesting and/or informative.  I take more pride in this blog than most of you probably even realize!  I welcome comments on this and any posts as I wish to address as many MS issues as possible and if there are any questions I can answer, please feel free to ask.  Thank you to all who continually read my posts.☺


  1. I think your blog is entertaining and informative, and I like the way you let us into your personal life. But I really can't believe any one would actually ask you about your sex life before getting to know you. I guess it takes all kinds.

    1. Oh, they ask alright! It's the one time I choose to NOT be an open book. And thank you for the compliments. Having MS has taught me to be far more open about myself and I'm not embarrassed about anything I have experienced because of this disease. If sharing my trials and triumphs can help even one person, then it was worth it.