MS.. catching up!

I haven't written about my MS too much in recent posts, as I'm sure most of you have noticed.  I wish I could report that I have been feeling much better but this would not be the truth.  I am not one to spend my time whining or complaining, although when I take time to look at some of my older posts, it sure seems that way!  What I prefer to do is focus on other aspects of my life when things are somewhat bleak or getting overly monotonous.  And honestly, my days have become extremely, mind-numbingly dull.  I'm still unable to drive, the pain in my hips, pelvis and lower back have not changed and my fingers have grown more numb each day.  Yeah, that pretty much covers it.  On a good note, the terrible headaches I was having a few months back have stopped since my neurologist doubled my Topomax dosage.

At my appointment with the urologist on Friday, I was told that the kidney stone was not visible on the x-ray but this did not mean it wasn't in my body.  I am still having trouble emptying my bladder but since I have had this problem over the years because of the MS, it's impossible to know if it's due to a stone or not unless I have a CT scan.  Since I have decided to pass the stone on my own without surgery, what's the point in having my insurance pay for a CT scan?  It seems extremely pointless and a waste of money so unless I do not have any relief or pass the annoying stone in the next month, nothing will be done and this is fine with me.  My urologist prescribed a few catheters, at my insistence, so I have them in case I'm unable to go on my own.  I hope it doesn't come to this but at least I've learned how to catheterize myself in the past and it is no longer as devastating as it was once before.

This week is filled with all sorts of appointments for me.  Tomorrow, I see my psychiatrist and the chiropractor soon afterwards.  At least I can say my psychiatrist is a very nice lady who actually listens to me and works with me rather than working against me, as my previous shrink had done.  On Tuesday, Emmi Sue goes back to the vet to see if her blood sugar levels have gone down but I don't believe they have.  I worry about her so much and am concerned that perhaps something more serious is wrong with my sweet little girl.  Then on Wednesday I go in for my next Tysabri infusion, which takes up a few hours of my day and leaves me feeling as limp as a wet washcloth.  I finally purchased a blood pressure monitor so I can check to see if it is my blood pressure that is affecting my energy level after the infusion or if it could be something else.  Knowledge is power!

To see who I am today, as opposed to how I was years ago, is truly a complete change in perspective.  I used to accept most things at face value and not question anything whereas now, I question pretty much everything.  I don't feel this is a bad way to be as I've chosen to seek knowledge above merely taking what people say as "gospel."  When I'm at the doctor's office, I ask why they want me to take certain medications, what benefits there are for me.. I want to know everything.  And if they cannot give me sufficient information, I do the research on my own.  Heck, I'll do the research on my own anyway!  I will always dig a little deeper so I am more knowledgeable and can make a more informed decision on most anything.

It was different, however, when it came to choosing to become an Atheist.  When it no longer made sense for me to be a christian, I spent a lot of time questioning, talking to myself, looking at it from many angles and finally decided that it was not right for me any longer.  It was actually one decision I made without any outside influence as I did no research on the subject.  The choice came from me and no one else.  I had not realized what a large community of Atheists existed until a few years after joining Facebook, but most have different views than I.  Most have based their decisions on scientific facts but since I have very little schooling and cannot contribute much when it comes to any such facts, my choice came from my heart and how I felt when I was following a religious path.  I feel much better about myself and truer to who I am now that I have embraced Atheism.  I am aware of the negative connotations the word "Atheist" carries and I wish this wasn't so since I am no different than anyone else except that I find all the strength I need in myself, my family, friends, cats and life itself.  I read somewhere that Atheists are hated, in the USA, as much as rapists and pedophiles!  This statement is completely outrageous and I sincerely hope those who read my blog do not feel this way.  From reading my posts, you can see that I am hardly a terrible person, nor am I lost or in need of any sort of salvation.  I am simply who I am.. just Lucy.  And I am a woman with MS who happens to be an Atheist.  I also happen to absolutely adore my three beautiful little kitties and would give my life for any one of them.  If this makes me a terrible person, well, then so be it.