Friday, May 25, 2012

MS.. these are the days of my pain

As I was sitting at a restaurant this evening with my parents, enjoying our pizza, my mind was a bit absent as the conversation went to things which no longer held my interest as much as they should.  I was, once again, wearing the TENS contraption and focusing on the repetitive buzz buzz buzz I felt against my body.  It was not uncomfortable nor painful, but I found it odd that I had one side set at 4.5 frequency while the other side was at 21.  Allow me to re-word this statement.  The pads are placed in an X pattern, so the pad placed on my right buttock is attached to the one on my left lower back, at 4.5.  Obviously, the pad on my left buttock and right lower back were the ones set at the higher setting, yet I could barely feel the electricity on my back.  It was rather troubling to me.  The more I thought about it the more I realized how incredibly fucked up my body has become over the last 8 months or so.

When I was dating the last man I had been in a relationship with, he lived an hour and a half away.  We would take turns driving to see one another on weekends until driving such a distance became an impossibility for me, around November or December.  The truth is, it was becoming increasingly difficult by November but chose to not voice the pain I felt since I hadn't wanted him to feel I expected him to be the only one making the sacrifice, although I eventually let him know.
Two years ago, I was driving up to five hours in a day (each weekend) to see someone but now, I couldn't even be a passenger for an hour.  The pain is THAT severe.  I choose not to dwell on these things but I sometimes get lost in thought and it hits me how far I have come in regards to pain in recent months.. and I don't like it.  I don't like it one bit.  If the pain has increased so much in such a short time, will it continue to progress?

There is an evening I enjoy recalling from almost three years ago and when I allow myself to lose myself in that moment, I can't help but tear up as I remember the sensations of feeling alive.  It was October 2009 and I was laying in my bed, close to falling asleep around 3am when I was suddenly aware of my bed.  I could feel the coolness of the sateen fitted sheet against my skin.  The perfect smoothness.  The slight weight of my light bedspread over my feet and legs.  I sat straight up but was afraid to stand as I had not felt my feet or legs since I was 23, in 1992!  I was able to reach the cord attached to my ceiling fan to turn the light on so I could look at my feet as I cried tears of joy.  My cats must have thought I was insane as I laughed and cried and rubbed my feet on their little bodies just to feel their fur as I had not EVER felt before.  I was in heaven and tried to stay awake for as long as I could.  Ohh, I must have moved my legs over my king-sized bed dozens and dozens of times as I felt each inch of that bed like a mad woman, but it was absolutely divine to finally "remember" what sheets felt like!  I don't know how long I stayed awake but when I awoke the following morning, the MS took the little miracle away but I am forever grateful for that moment.  That one moment of absolute bliss which most people take for granted since it is normal to feel these every day things.  But not for me.  And probably not for you, my friends with MS.
When I try to explain to others what my feet and legs feel like on a daily basis, I tell them to imagine wearing control-top pantyhose with thick socks on top and that is how my feet and legs feel.  My feet are more numb that my legs but all of me is somewhat numb.  Of course, pantyhose and socks do not allow for the pain we feel, but at least it gives an idea of how we don't feel sensations, yet we also feel exaggerated sensations at the same time.  Hey, no one said MS was easy to live with, nor explain!

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