Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Physical therapy and "I miss" list

Today (technically, yesterday) was officially my first day back to physical therapy.  My physical therapist, Lisa, called in the late morning, made sure I would have the TENS electrodes attached and buzzing away, and arrived in the afternoon.  After going over how I had felt this past weekend, we headed to my bedroom so I could lay down and do the series of exercises she had taught me earlier this year.  Lisa was impressed how I remembered all of them easily, while I honestly didn't think she believed I had been doing them in her absence.  Yes, I have executed these exercises many times but had to skip the entire month of April from the pain I was feeling from the kidney stone.  I admit to not having exercised as much as I should have lately, but the pain I have been had in my hips, lower back and pelvis prevented me from even considering it.  Now with the TENS firmly in place, the movements were not nearly as difficult nor as exhausting as they had been in previous months and Lisa added one more exercise to the end of my "work out."  By the time I finished, I was extremely tired but glad I was able to do as much as I had.  My next therapy session will be Wednesday with the head therapist, Megan, and I don't plan on exercising until then.  I go to my chiropractor tomorrow and Thursday, which should be quite enough for me.  This will be quite a week!
I wish this was what I looked like wearing my TENS, but.. anyway, this is the "classic" placement for the electrodes on the back.
My friend on Facebook, Jennifer, started a post in the RANT room Sunday about things she misses doing.  Her list consisted of dancing, not being able to run with her daughter (who has never seen her run), knowing she had very little limitations, her mind and memory, going out with friends, working and writing.  She, of course, added details to each of these but since I didn't ask if I could include what she wrote, I won't elaborate without her permission.  My list consisted of this:
1.- I miss writing poetry.  I was once able to write the most beautiful poems in minutes and that part of me died a few years ago.  I was even a published poet so now I have to rejoice in that I was able to do it once upon a time since it's not possible anymore.  That part of my brain no longer exists.  2.- I miss reading.  I can still read medical-type books but when it comes to novels, my mind can't grasp the abstract and I feel lost.  I suppose this is the same reason I can no longer write what I once loved so much.  3.-I miss cake decorating.  And damn, I was good!  My hands are no longer strong enough to do this.  4.-  I miss walking without a cane.  It's hard to feel truly sexy when you need a quad cane to get across a room.  5.- I miss not remembering what life was like before I had MS.  I've had this for half my life.  I no longer recall life without it and would almost be afraid to not have this crutch anymore.  Scary, but true.
The good thing is that I don't dwell on what I have lost along the way.  My life is what it is and spending my time crying over things which are no longer possible would accomplish nothing.  I did far too much of that years ago and I've moved on since then.  Now, I really am happy to see my three girls each morning and hear their sweet meows and purrs, hear my parents' voices on the line when they call almost daily, read updates on Facebook from family and friends, see the sun shining in the windows, and make new friends on the MS pages on Facebook.  My life has changed completely in the last few years as I no longer look outside myself to find happiness.  The few outside influences I have are my cats, family and a few choice friends I have allowed into my life, otherwise it's all me.  I am a relatively cheerful person because I have found a level of peace and acceptance within myself which no longer allows misery to reside inside my person.

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