Fifteen years since you meowed your way into my life....

Yesterday would have been Emmi Sue's 16th birthday, and 15 years since she came into my life.  I don't even think I need to say what a difficult, emotional day it was, because it was a living hell for me.  I relived the day she chose me as her mommy over and over again, remembering how tiny she had been that first day of our meeting.  I think I described it best as I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, as I said:

"I never knew how much I could hurt until I lost my Emmi Sue.  I never screamed while I've cried, until I lost her.  I still do that to this day.  I honestly never knew pain until she was gone.  She was never a cat to me, nor are my Allie or Jinger.  I'm home all day, every day, and I've raised them as my children.  I don't know if I'll ever be the same again nor if I'll ever know happiness without her with me.  I'm so lost."

Emmi Sue, stretched out on Mom and Dad's (covered) pool table.

I really do feel lost without my little girl.  I can't even begin to explain it.  I understand most people have had some sort of loss when it comes to pets, as I did before losing my precious baby, but this was on such a different level.  I lost a piece of myself with Emmi Sue.  I'm not even sure this will happen with Jinger or Allie, but I don't know.  I just don't know.  Emmi Sue and I became so close through her illness and treatments that our relationship grew by leaps and bounds.  I will never stop seeing her as she was during those last few months, weeks, days.. so absolutely tiny, so frail, so needing me to hold her and cradle her in my arms.  There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her, yet I fear I pushed her too hard to live, or maybe she hung on to life just for me.  I'll never know the answer to this, but I do know that my Emmi Sue loved me as much as I will forever adore her memory.

Jinger finally snapped out of her sadness, for which I am ever grateful, but I can't seem to follow in her footsteps.  This sadness, what am I saying?  This depression is all-consuming and is taking over every part of my life.  Yes, I've learned, once again, to smile through my tears but I feel as if I'm a walking, talking zombie of sorts.  I'm playing a part for the world to see, as no one really wishes to see the person I have become.  There is a tremendous hole in my life, in my mind, in my heart, that'll never again be filled as the one who completed that part of me is forever gone.

Fuck!!!  I miss my baby girl so much and nothing will ever change this.  Emmi Sue, I don't know what to do without you here.  I need you more than you ever needed me and I love you more and more every single day.  Te amo, hijita mía.  Your Mommy. ♥

How can I possibly have more tears left to cry?

"When I'm alone, I think.  When I think, I remember.  When I remember, I feel pain.  When I feel pain, I cry.  When I cry, I can't stop..."

I feel as if I'm completely losing my grip on life.  I can't even utter Emmi Sue's name without bursting into the most gut-wrenching bouts of crying/howling/screaming than ever.  Last night, as I was holding Allie in my arms (she actually allows me to do this for a couple minutes now), I started talking to her and I asked her why she couldn't turn into Emmi Sue for just one hour each day, so I could hold her, comfort her, kiss her little black nose and tell her how much I love and miss her.  After I put my little Allie back on the floor, I felt so weak and out of sorts that I went to bed and lay down for a bit, which ended up lasting nearly five hours.  The hurt I feel inside since Emmi Sue's passing hasn't diminished and I long to wake up each morning to see her sweet tiny face looking up at me once again.  I miss my little girl more than I ever thought humanly possible and I just don't know how to move forward with my life.

Jinger came to my rescue when I was sitting here bawling my eyes out once again.  For someone who doesn't live in the past when it comes to her health, I sure as hell can't move on from losing my little girl.  I have no idea how to get over missing her.  How do people move beyond things like this?

Yesterday was 3 weeks since I quit smoking and from what I've heard and read, "anger, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, impatience, insomnia, and restlessness are valid withdrawal symptoms that peak within the first and last 2-4 weeks" (Wikipedia).  I will readily admit to having a craving for "real" cigarettes, even though there are days when I only take a puff or two from my e-cigarette.  I've been getting all kinds of strange headaches and terrible fatigue.  There have been times I'll be sitting at my computer and fall asleep!  I have never in my life done that before, at least not in the middle of the day.

I hear this in my head and hope, some day, it will be true.

I'm sure someday I'll figure life out again but for now, I can barely muster enough energy to take care of my small family's basic needs most days.  I am just surviving, no longer living, and it's not fair to my Allie and Jinger.  As much as I know this, it doesn't change anything inside my heart and mind.  A huge piece of me is missing and will never, ever return.  At times like these, I wish I wasn't an Atheist so I could believe I'd be reunited with my Emmi Sue, and someday, with Jinger, Allie and certain family members, too.  One of my favorite quotes used to be "No, heaven will not ever heaven be unless my cats are there to welcome me."  With all my heart, I wish this could be true but it's not, and that's what hurts so much.  My baby is gone and nothing will ever change this.  Fuck.  I'd do just about anything to have my Emmi Sue back with me again.

A few changes in my life ☺

It's definitely time to start writing again.  My last post was on..... January 21st?!!!  Ugh, I can't believe I've let so much time go by without writing a single word.

Mommy will always miss you, my sweet little girl! ♥

To start, I have hours, even days, when my mind is at peace since Emmi Sue's passing.  And then, wouldn't you know it, little Allie will walk by and do something that reminds me of her sister, and my emotions get the better of me once again.  Luckily, this is happening less and less frequently, yet still occurring far too often to say I'm dealing with her absence well.

About three months ago, some time in November, I joined a group on Facebook called Atheist Mingle, an obvious play on words of the xtian Mingle dating website.  Oh my goodness.. I love being a part of this Atheist Mingle room!  I have made some wonderful friends and we get new members on a daily basis.  When I first joined, there were barely 1,000 members, whereas now we have a little over 2,500 AND at least 16 couples in the five months of existence.  Not bad, huh?

I really have no expectations of meeting the man of my dreams in AM (I'll be abbreviating Atheist Mingle this way once I've written the full name out once on my post), or at least not in person.  I could be selling myself short in admitting this, but I prefer to live in some sort of reality than set my expectations too high.  I know my reality is bleak when my bank account shows less than $100 at any given time, I cannot travel because I have my girls (Jinger needs her daily medication and after how quickly I lost Emmi Sue, it's just not happening!), I have MS and I'm horribly overweight.  OK, maybe not horribly, but enough to make me feel a bit less than confident in my physical appearance at this moment.  It could have much to do in that I haven't gone out on a single date in about a year, but I'm not sure.  I haven't feel so unattractive in ages.

Oh, something I'm quite proud to mention tonight is that I smoked my last cigarette on Saturday, February 2nd, and have since taken up using electronic cigarettes (e-cigs) instead.  I found a brand which is disposable, rather than rechargeable, that tastes good enough and gives me enough nicotine to get by with just a few puffs each day.  I hope to eventually stop "needing" the nicotine, but I'm thrilled with how clear my lungs feel, my house no longer stinks, my skin looks better and my hair smells fantastic.  Best of all, and the main reason for quitting this habit, my girls no longer have to breathe in the crap I was putting into their air.  Hmm, I suppose having more money in the old bank account is a huge plus, too. :)

Falling in love all over again ❤

A couple weeks ago, when on my way home with Allie from her vet appointment, I stopped to buy a carton of cigarettes and on my way out of the store, I heard someone calling out my name.  It was Megan, one of the physical therapists, who had been coming to my home in the early parts of 2012.  We spoke for a few minutes and she asked me about my kitties, so I told her I had lost Emmi Sue to kidney disease last month and she expressed her genuine sympathy.  What caught me by surprise was when Megan said "I've finished taking two Copaxone injections."  It took me a few moments to process what she had just said, but then I remembered that her sister (and I think also her aunt?) has MS and she had been concerned that she may also get it.  I didn't know what to say but extended my hand to her and told her that I am always here for her if she ever has any questions and to please, check my older blog posts!  Oh my goodness, I was actually quite devastated to hear this news from a very young woman and mother of three young boys.  Her youngest was just born in August 2012, and now this.  Megan, if you're reading this, please know that I'm thinking of you and you can call me anytime!

Jinger and Allie in 1998, looking out at their first snowfall.

I had actually started writing this post the day after my run-in with Megan but had lost my train of thought.  So many things have been going through my mind and I haven't been able to process any of it enough to put it down, yet the last few days have been eye-opening for me.  For the first time in my life, I'm finally getting to know my "kittens" for who they are, and I love it!  I'm not sure if Allie and Jinger's personalities are changing or adapting to the loss of Emmi Sue or if they just now feel they can be more themselves, but these changes are so endearing.

I've learned that Jinger, who never seemed to enjoy being held in my arms, actually loves it!  I'm not sure if she saw me holding Emmi Sue so often that she became jealous and now wants the same attention she had been getting, but I love holding Jinger and rubbing her furry chin and neck.  Jinger has the sweetest gurgle-purr ever!

My beautiful Jinger, laying back and relaxing.

Allie, on the other hand, is goofier, more outgoing and social, sillier and loving than ever before.  It's as if she's finally coming out of her shell, to some extent, and I love seeing her beautiful personality emerging for the world to see.

I can safely say that I'm falling in love with my kittens all over again!  Yes, they are my eternal kittens since I adopted them at 7½ weeks.  It's unreal to think that they are already 14½ years old!  The most wonderful thing is that, aside from Jinger's hyperthyroidism, both are in perfect health.  Allie's lab results were basically "boring," according to our vet, which is wonderful.  Boring is great sometimes!

My silly Allie, being her goofy, adorable, crazy little self!

So that is my life as of late.  I've mostly been home, as usual, but have been enjoying my babies in new ways.  I'm learning more about them and loving (almost) every moment of it!  OK, Jinger's wanting to be in my arms can get somewhat annoying from time to time, but I adore her with all my heart so she can beg-meow all she wants.  Mommy will always give in and hug her close.

As difficult as it may be to accept, life does go on......

It seems like a million years since I last wrote but I feel it's time to move on to more subjects than my Emmi Sue, although she is always foremost on my mind.  Today was Allie's first visit to our vet, Dr. Carolyn Ecker.  I was eager for her and her staff to meet my shiest little girl, and the one I consider the youngest.  Here is how my mind works.  When I adopted Jinger and Allie, Jinger weighed 1¼ lbs., while Allie only weighed one pound, so based on their weight is how I decided Allie was the youngest of my twin babies.  Yes, I know how ridiculous this is, but I had to mentally choose the order of birth, and it's how I did it.  Tah dah, I was as insane 14½ years ago as I am today!

Mommy and Allie back in 1999 when she wasn't even one year old yet (and  I had a horrendous haircut!).

It was really no surprise to me when Dr. Ecker confessed to me that of my three girls, Allie is her absolute favorite.  Allie has always been the most gentle of my girls, and the way she meows sounds like a soft melody she is singing for me.  Dr. Ecker also praised me on how well Allie appeared.  From the way she looked, she would have never guessed her age as her body doesn't have the typical hanging belly most older cats seem to get (Jinger doesn't have this either), her fur is thick and not matted in the least (despite my not being able to brush her anymore), her eyes are bright and her teeth and gums looked extremely healthy.  Yay!  I'll have the results of her full labs tomorrow afternoon so then I'll be able to breathe in a full sigh of relief, but I feel Allie is in perfect health and will be with me for many years to come.

I have to say that after today's vet appointment, I think I may be recovering a bit more after Emmi Sue's passing.  Holding Allie in my arms as I did at the office, I felt like such a "mom," and I haven't felt this way in ages.  Ugh, it really isn't fair of me to say this since Jinger cries for me to hold her a few times each day and night, but somehow, it's not the same thing.  Allie was frightened and needed me to hold her so she could dig her sweet little face in my arm.  I needed to protect her and really take care of my baby, and I miss being so needed.  

I think I need to reevaluate things with Jinger, though.  She cries and cries for me to hold her and while I do take the time to do this, I'm somehow annoyed at her far too often.  I shouldn't be feeling this way towards my baby girl, especially when I can't even fall asleep unless Jinger is snuggled in my arms as she spoons against my chest.  I'm spending far too much time being sad and miserable to see the fantastic girls I have in my life and I only hope I'm not hurting them (mostly Jinger) in the process.  Jinger is the only reason I will not adopt another cat at this time, no matter how much I may want to do this.  She is still utterly depressed and not knowing what her new place is, so how could I even consider bringing another baby into our home?  Hell no!  My two girls come first in my life but I really need to start showing Jinger how much I absolutely adore her, rather than just say it here in my blog.

One of Jinger's favorite things to do is jump in the empty laundry basket when I'm doing the wash.  I leave it out for her, in the hallway, so she can jump in and out to her heart's content!

On another subject, a few months back I had written that there was a possibility that I, too, may have some kidney damage.  Luckily, all tests showed that this is not the case but my right foot and ankle are STILL swollen beyond belief.  I've had numerous tests, a Dopplar Ultrasound of the right leg, and still nothing is conclusive.  My general physician put me on a "pee" pill in December, with little results.  He switched me to another this month but I'm not seeing any results as of yet.  His other recommendation has been to try compression socks, but I'm afraid those may aggravate my MS, as anything tight usually does.  It may be my final option, so I'll keep holding my breath for these pills to work, but I'm not feeling too hopeful.  Tight damn socks, I believe I'll be trying you out soon!

Happy Holidays from Jinger, Allie, Mommy and angel Emmi Sue

This kitty isn't Emmi Sue, but she's so adorable that I couldn't help but use this today.

It's hard to believe that it has been three weeks since my Emmi Sue was in my arms.  What's even harder to grasp is how far I've come.  Since that evening when I ran my fingers through her ashes, I didn't cry until last night as I lay in bed.  Jinger was snuggled next to me, as she has done each night for quite some time, and I suddenly reached over to my right hip and wanted so desperately to feel Emmi Sue laying on top of me.  I cried for a few moments and then held Jinger that much tighter.  Really, I don't consider not crying a sign of healing, but being that I am a very tearful person, it's a good thing for me to be able to look at her photographs and talk about her without tearing up and my voice quivering.  My memories of Emmi Sue are wonderful and the love I feel for her continues to grow with each passing day.  She will always be my first daughter and as I told her each night, "no one will ever take that place from you."

Emmi Sue's display on my mantle, including two of her favorite toys, my beanie teddy bears!

As promised, I have taken a few pictures of Emmi Sue's final resting place and I am continually touched at how much time and care my dad took in making it absolutely perfect for my little girl.

My dad burned her name, probable birth date and day of passing into the wood, all written in my handwriting.

My Emmi Sue's beautiful back paw print, including a few claw marks.  I added her name and heart to it.

I still feel the tremendous loss of Emmi Sue every single day, but I'm learning to cope with life without her presence.  She's still with me in "spirit" and that will have to be enough.

For the first time EVER, my family will be at my house on christmas eve and I can't wait.  My parents will be bringing most of the food, while I'll bake a couple apple cakes for dessert while Mom, Dad and my brother Gonzalo are here.  Is it silly that I'm excited for them to be here?  Nah, it's kind of a special occasion, even for us Atheists.  Having my family in my home is something I never experienced until my brother was home a few weeks ago, and it was spectacular.  He has allergies and was never able to tolerate being in my home for too long, but I think my new "homemaker" Kim's three times per week vacuuming has made the difference.  Yes, Dorraine is still my homemaker, too, but since she was diagnosed with COPD, she isn't able to breathe too well and is not able to do too much when she comes over.  I love that she was reassigned to me as I missed her so much, as did Jinger and Allie.  The moment she steps into my home, Jinger practically attacks her!  Yeah, it's a love-fest and it's great to have her back and doing pretty well.

In case I don't write again until after xmas, I would like to extend my sincerest wishes to everyone and may you have a very safe, happy, magical, fantastic holiday season.  On a final note, keep those who are less fortunate, not only in your thoughts but give them a helping hand.  I, for one, am going to donate food and kitty litter to our local No-Kill animal shelter, where I adopted Emmi Sue.  It won't be until after the New Year as funds are extremely tight at the moment, but it will be done in her name and I know she would be proud.  Happy Xmas to all!

Thinking of Emmi Sue and the magic of Allie and Jinger ♥

Sunday was two weeks since I lost my Emmi Sue.  Surprisingly, I never shed one tear from the moment I woke up but the evening prior, from 3am until around almost 7am (yes, I know this is not technically "evening"), I cried and mourned her passing more than I had in quite some time.  From the day I had brought her ashes home, I hadn't gone near the black urn she resided in, nor had I thought much about it, but that late evening, I felt it necessary to hold it in my hands.  Not only that, but I was compelled to open the urn, untie the baggie with her remains, and run my fingers through it.  It pained me greatly to come to the actual realization that these ashes and dry bits were my Emmi Sue.  Perhaps it was morbid that I felt I needed to do this, but I did.  In some strange way, it brought me peace.

Yesterday, my dad brought me the finished urn he fashioned for Emmi Sue and she is now finally sealed inside.  It was far too dark to take photographs, which I will as soon as I'm able to do so.  I'd still like to attach a photo of her to the wooden urn he made, as I'd love to be able to see her lovely face looking back at me when I see the pretty container up on the mantle.  It really is quite beautiful.

Something I never wrote about, but is definitely worth mentioning, is that my two remaining girls are special to me beyond what I could ever express.  I was not able to give them the attention they deserved and needed while Emmi Sue was ill and am trying to make up for that now, especially since I can see how they are mourning her loss.  But this is not actually what I wanted to write about.  Jinger and Allie have "special powers," no matter how strange that may sound.

A few years back, there were countless times when I would be in extreme physical pain and my little Allie would sense it, so she would merely come near me, rub against my body, and the pain would miraculously disappear.  It happened so many times that I called her my "magic healing baby."  Once my pain became too severe, she was no longer able to take the pain away, and I completely understood.  If she was absorbing the pain I was feeling, there was no way she could have withstood it, so I would not have wanted her to take it from me.  The pain I felt, and still feel, would kill her.  But she knew when I needed her to take it from me and she always did.

Then there's my Jinger.  Oh, this child is spectacular.  I wrote about a man who came into my life via internet many years back, whose name was Magdy.  We met around 9 years ago and online dated for 2½ years.  His being in Kuwait is what stopped us from ever meeting face-to-face, but it never got in the way of us getting to know one another and falling madly in love.  I was never sure exactly when he passed away, but he had an enlarged heart and had been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer.  While he was undergoing chemotherapy, his heart had stopped many times and we both knew the end was near.  I won't go into our entire story but after our communication stopped, I was in tears all the time, not wanting to accept that he was possibly gone.  One day, Jinger's behavior changed.  You see, Magdy would see me holding Jinger in my arms very often and he would call her my "naughty Jinger" in a teasing way, as he had absolutely fallen in love with her playful demeanor.  The way Jinger had changed that day, and lasted for almost an entire month, is that she became my shadow.  She would follow me in ways she never had before.  She would climb on me differently than ever, she would meow in a different voice, she would sit and watch me with such intense eyes that I wasn't sure what was going on.  The in occurred to me that, perhaps, Magdy was channeling through her.  Then I decided to call to her "Magdy?", and she looked straight at me, bowed her head and blinked her eyes.  I broke down crying, knowing he had come back to me, through Jinger, to reassure me that he was alright, but had passed away.  I can't even begin to explain how at peace I felt, yet extremely emotional.  This little kitty had brought me the best gift I could have ever asked for!

Now, with Emmi Sue's passing, I've been wondering if the same would happen.  I kept thinking to myself that it would probably happen through Allie, as she is the more gentle one of my girls.  A few days after Emmi Sue passed on, I heard her growling meow, but it came from Allie.  It was the most awesome thing I had ever heard in my life.  Not only that, but for the last three or four days, Jinger has been behaving almost exactly like Emmi Sue.  I'm not sure if she's in mourning so she is imitating her, or if she is also channeling her sister so I will feel peace in my heart.  Either way, I feel less conflicted about many things from the last couple days of Emmi Sue's life.  All I know is that my Allie and Jinger are two phenomenal babies and my life would not be complete without them.  Luckily, Jinger is in almost perfect health (she has very controlled hyperthyroidism) and Allie's full check-up is on January 7, so we'll find out how healthy she is then.  As far as I can tell, she is in very good health and I will do everything in my power to keep it this way.  Both my girls are 14½ and I will do my best to stay on top of their health and happiness. ♥

As most people who know anything about me, or have been following my blog know, I am an Atheist and do NOT believe in a higher power.  I do not believe we go on to a "better place" when we die or that there is a great beyond after our passing.  So what exactly is going on here?  I have no idea.  Perhaps the "spirit" (which I'm not sure I believe in either) needs to feel free of burdens before resting in peace.  I don't know!  All I can say is that I experienced a tremendous change in Jinger after Magdy's passing.  After a month or so, she went back to her old self.  It was a visible change and I knew his "spirit" had left her.

In light of the tragedy which occurred on Friday, December 14 at the Sandy Hook school in Newtown, Connecticut, the mourning I am going through over the loss of my Emmi Sue seems almost insignificant in comparison to the pain the parents and family members of the victims must be feeling.  I am, in no way, comparing my suffering to theirs, yet loss is loss, no matter in what shape it comes.  My heart and most sincere condolences go out to all those affected in this horribly tragedy.  It is my hope that something will be done to change the laws in this country concerning guns and other such weapons when it comes to civilians.