❤ Finally, there's true love for me ❤

It took me a little over four months, but I have finally begun to heal from the loss of my Emmi Sue.  I moved the two pictures of her that I had sitting on my computer keyboard onto the entertainment center, which I feel was a very good start.  Since doing that, the tears have been less frequent and I am definitely moving on, yet Emmi Sue is still on my mind, yet in a less painful manner.

I love everything about this "meme," except for the god references.  Still, I love and miss my baby and felt it was perfectly appropriate.♥

The typical way my body reacts to stress, especially extreme stress, is for my body to go into a pretty severe MS exacerbation (flare-up) almost exactly three months after the stress occurred.  Miraculously, this hasn't happened this time around.  During Emmi Sue's illness, my MS left me alone and even allowed me to drive after seven months of not being able to do so.  As she became more ill, my MS left me alone so that I could take care of my little girl and I can't thank my disease enough for that.  Now, almost five months since I've held my beloved baby in my arms, the MS still hasn't attacked me any more deliberately than before she left me.  I fully expected a full force attack, but it has left me alone.  I never thought this would happen and I'm grateful for this "favor."  Jinger and Allie deserve their mommy at her best, even though it has taken me a few months to find myself again.

In my life, I have known many kinds of love, the greatest kind being between my kitty-daughters and me.  I am, in no way, belittling the strong relationship I have with both my parents, but nothing compares to the closeness, trust, unconditional love my girls feel towards me and me for them.  It's a bond that knows no end and never holds any anger nor disappointment.  It has always been love in its truest sense and one I could not live without, nor would I have survived the last decade if my girls were not in my life.

I have been in love beyond reason twice in my life.  The first time was at the age of 24 when I met Boris in Cochabamba, Bolivia, and the second was at age 35 when Magdy and I romanced for two and a half years over the internet.  I honestly don't know if he and I would have survived if we had met, since we were from such different cultures, but the love was absolutely there.

Now comes my confession.. I just lied about the amount of times I have been in love.  I am thrilled to announce that I recently met the man of my dreams via Atheist Mingle!  His name is Kevin, we're of the same age (I just turned 44 and he'll be this age in less than a month and a half), he also has two cats, twice divorced (as I am), no children (like me), atheist, and the list goes on and on.  I honestly felt I would live my life alone, which was fine with me as I was content with my single situation, yet now that I've met Kevin and started this amazing relationship, I can't imagine ever being without him again.

Kevin lives in Alabama and I'm in Illinois, so we are spending most of the time communicating via Skype, messaging on Facebook and phone calls.  That being said, we're "together" a good six or more hours daily, which is just phenomenal to me.  Even though we haven't known each other too long, Kevin has already taken days off next month to drive up to see me, so we are 26 days from being together for the very first time.  We are both crazy excited to see one another face-to-face and start our future already.  Ahhh, my life feels as if it's finally heading in the right direction and I don't have the words to describe how I'm feeling.  I just know that Kevin and I are deeply in love and are living for the moment we can melt into one another's arms. ♥                           

Me and Atheism.. a perfect match!

It has been a long time since I've written anything on one of the core aspects which makes me who I am, which is Atheism.  I've recently joined quite a few groups on Facebook, all centered on Atheism, and I wrote an introduction about myself last night on one of these group's pages.  I'm going to use what I put in that post here, being that I feel I did a very good job at stating many aspects of how I view things there.

"Believing" was making me feel icky inside, for lack of a better word.  No matter what I said or did, I could never be good enough for that god.  I could ask and beg for forgiveness, which I did every damn day, but nothing ever changed.  It was a never ending, torturous existence which led me to a deep depression and suicidal thoughts and actions, more times than I wish to remember.  Having jesus' death on MY hands is a terrible thing to have thrust on you!  It wasn't until I really took a look at my life and what it had become, and realized how religion had no rational thought behind it, that I was able to breathe, for maybe the first time in my life.  And this is coming from a very irrational woman!  But to place my life in the hands of a god, it needed to make some sort of rational sense, and it was no longer there for me.  I was finally free to be myself.  AND, I could finally love myself for who I am, which I was never able to do at any point in my life before.  This is what Atheism means to me.  Being able to love who I am, without fear of any sort of retribution or punishment in life or after death.

I grew up in a catholic household, went to catholic school for 12 years, and never thought to question anything until I was around 20 years old, when I became Agnostic.  I embraced my Atheist self around five years ago and, surprisingly to most, my parents have never tried to change my mind.  Both my brothers are also non-theists and I've often told my parents to not take our lack of xtian belief as an insult to them, but rather as a compliment to how they brought us up.  None of us were ever afraid to tell them our doubts and subsequent rejection of what they feel is the "truth," knowing they would love us just the same.  My parents rock, they really do!  My mom will always be one of my best friends and I'll forever be Dad's princesita.

I think the first time I openly told my parents I was an Atheist was after my dad had had a heart attack and he, my mom and I were in my home during the summer a few years back.  Dad stubbornly announced he'd be outside doing some yard work for me, even though the temperature was well over 100° and humid as could be.  Mom and I kept insisting he stay inside, which he, of course, ignored.  Moments later, he came back inside as it was too deathly hot to do anything in such weather.  I asked him to please listen to what I had to say.  I told him that back when I had been diagnosed with MS at the age of 21, he (and Mom) would have done anything to protect me from a life with this disease because HE is my father and that's what a loving father would do for his child.  In the same way, Mom and I were trying to protect him from himself by asking, no, pleading with him to not overdo things in such hot weather so soon after a heart attack.  We were trying to protect him.  I told him I would give my life to protect him because I am his daughter and love him more than any other man in the entire world.  And then I added something to the extent of, "Dad, would god protect you from dying if you were out there having another heart attack the way Mom and I are doing right now?  No, he wouldn't.  This is why I can't believe in that god.  he's not real, but we are.  If you call on us, we'll respond.  Can you say for certain that your god will?"  I already knew I was an Atheist but had never voiced this to my parents until that moment.. and have never looked back since.  My parents know I'm an Atheist and accept me as I am, as I do them, and for this I am eternally grateful.

I've chosen not to do any reading on Atheism, which may not be the best choice, yet I arrived to this point without the influence of science or other books on the subject.  If I were to read anything on the subject of Atheism, I'd be afraid to gain an actual hatred towards religion (which I have no love for, anyway), since I'm around my parents quite often.  Without having good arguments to use on them, I'm better able to bite my tongue and just roll my eyes at their chosen ignorance on so many things.  Luckily, my parents attend catholic services, yet are definitely more straight xtian (as they concluded after being questioned by both my brother and me), so they are much more open minded.  They fully support gay rights and equality for all, a woman's right to choose (although this one was very difficult for them to embrace as easily), and other issues one would hardly assume any xtian would support.

I have become a much better person since walking away from all things religious.  I've been able to embrace myself, the good and the not so good, and accept that it all makes me the woman I am.  MS is horrible, losing my Emmi Sue still haunts me and knowing I will never see her again is painful beyond belief, but it's all a part of life.. MY life.  And the truth is, life is grand.

Fifteen years since you meowed your way into my life....

Yesterday would have been Emmi Sue's 16th birthday, and 15 years since she came into my life.  I don't even think I need to say what a difficult, emotional day it was, because it was a living hell for me.  I relived the day she chose me as her mommy over and over again, remembering how tiny she had been that first day of our meeting.  I think I described it best as I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, as I said:

"I never knew how much I could hurt until I lost my Emmi Sue.  I never screamed while I've cried, until I lost her.  I still do that to this day.  I honestly never knew pain until she was gone.  She was never a cat to me, nor are my Allie or Jinger.  I'm home all day, every day, and I've raised them as my children.  I don't know if I'll ever be the same again nor if I'll ever know happiness without her with me.  I'm so lost."

Emmi Sue, stretched out on Mom and Dad's (covered) pool table.

I really do feel lost without my little girl.  I can't even begin to explain it.  I understand most people have had some sort of loss when it comes to pets, as I did before losing my precious baby, but this was on such a different level.  I lost a piece of myself with Emmi Sue.  I'm not even sure this will happen with Jinger or Allie, but I don't know.  I just don't know.  Emmi Sue and I became so close through her illness and treatments that our relationship grew by leaps and bounds.  I will never stop seeing her as she was during those last few months, weeks, days.. so absolutely tiny, so frail, so needing me to hold her and cradle her in my arms.  There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her, yet I fear I pushed her too hard to live, or maybe she hung on to life just for me.  I'll never know the answer to this, but I do know that my Emmi Sue loved me as much as I will forever adore her memory.

Jinger finally snapped out of her sadness, for which I am ever grateful, but I can't seem to follow in her footsteps.  This sadness, what am I saying?  This depression is all-consuming and is taking over every part of my life.  Yes, I've learned, once again, to smile through my tears but I feel as if I'm a walking, talking zombie of sorts.  I'm playing a part for the world to see, as no one really wishes to see the person I have become.  There is a tremendous hole in my life, in my mind, in my heart, that'll never again be filled as the one who completed that part of me is forever gone.

Fuck!!!  I miss my baby girl so much and nothing will ever change this.  Emmi Sue, I don't know what to do without you here.  I need you more than you ever needed me and I love you more and more every single day.  Te amo, hijita mía.  Your Mommy. ♥

How can I possibly have more tears left to cry?

"When I'm alone, I think.  When I think, I remember.  When I remember, I feel pain.  When I feel pain, I cry.  When I cry, I can't stop..."

I feel as if I'm completely losing my grip on life.  I can't even utter Emmi Sue's name without bursting into the most gut-wrenching bouts of crying/howling/screaming than ever.  Last night, as I was holding Allie in my arms (she actually allows me to do this for a couple minutes now), I started talking to her and I asked her why she couldn't turn into Emmi Sue for just one hour each day, so I could hold her, comfort her, kiss her little black nose and tell her how much I love and miss her.  After I put my little Allie back on the floor, I felt so weak and out of sorts that I went to bed and lay down for a bit, which ended up lasting nearly five hours.  The hurt I feel inside since Emmi Sue's passing hasn't diminished and I long to wake up each morning to see her sweet tiny face looking up at me once again.  I miss my little girl more than I ever thought humanly possible and I just don't know how to move forward with my life.

Jinger came to my rescue when I was sitting here bawling my eyes out once again.  For someone who doesn't live in the past when it comes to her health, I sure as hell can't move on from losing my little girl.  I have no idea how to get over missing her.  How do people move beyond things like this?

Yesterday was 3 weeks since I quit smoking and from what I've heard and read, "anger, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, impatience, insomnia, and restlessness are valid withdrawal symptoms that peak within the first and last 2-4 weeks" (Wikipedia).  I will readily admit to having a craving for "real" cigarettes, even though there are days when I only take a puff or two from my e-cigarette.  I've been getting all kinds of strange headaches and terrible fatigue.  There have been times I'll be sitting at my computer and fall asleep!  I have never in my life done that before, at least not in the middle of the day.

I hear this in my head and hope, some day, it will be true.

I'm sure someday I'll figure life out again but for now, I can barely muster enough energy to take care of my small family's basic needs most days.  I am just surviving, no longer living, and it's not fair to my Allie and Jinger.  As much as I know this, it doesn't change anything inside my heart and mind.  A huge piece of me is missing and will never, ever return.  At times like these, I wish I wasn't an Atheist so I could believe I'd be reunited with my Emmi Sue, and someday, with Jinger, Allie and certain family members, too.  One of my favorite quotes used to be "No, heaven will not ever heaven be unless my cats are there to welcome me."  With all my heart, I wish this could be true but it's not, and that's what hurts so much.  My baby is gone and nothing will ever change this.  Fuck.  I'd do just about anything to have my Emmi Sue back with me again.

A few changes in my life ☺

It's definitely time to start writing again.  My last post was on..... January 21st?!!!  Ugh, I can't believe I've let so much time go by without writing a single word.

Mommy will always miss you, my sweet little girl! ♥

To start, I have hours, even days, when my mind is at peace since Emmi Sue's passing.  And then, wouldn't you know it, little Allie will walk by and do something that reminds me of her sister, and my emotions get the better of me once again.  Luckily, this is happening less and less frequently, yet still occurring far too often to say I'm dealing with her absence well.

About three months ago, some time in November, I joined a group on Facebook called Atheist Mingle, an obvious play on words of the xtian Mingle dating website.  Oh my goodness.. I love being a part of this Atheist Mingle room!  I have made some wonderful friends and we get new members on a daily basis.  When I first joined, there were barely 1,000 members, whereas now we have a little over 2,500 AND at least 16 couples in the five months of existence.  Not bad, huh?

I really have no expectations of meeting the man of my dreams in AM (I'll be abbreviating Atheist Mingle this way once I've written the full name out once on my post), or at least not in person.  I could be selling myself short in admitting this, but I prefer to live in some sort of reality than set my expectations too high.  I know my reality is bleak when my bank account shows less than $100 at any given time, I cannot travel because I have my girls (Jinger needs her daily medication and after how quickly I lost Emmi Sue, it's just not happening!), I have MS and I'm horribly overweight.  OK, maybe not horribly, but enough to make me feel a bit less than confident in my physical appearance at this moment.  It could have much to do in that I haven't gone out on a single date in about a year, but I'm not sure.  I haven't feel so unattractive in ages.

Oh, something I'm quite proud to mention tonight is that I smoked my last cigarette on Saturday, February 2nd, and have since taken up using electronic cigarettes (e-cigs) instead.  I found a brand which is disposable, rather than rechargeable, that tastes good enough and gives me enough nicotine to get by with just a few puffs each day.  I hope to eventually stop "needing" the nicotine, but I'm thrilled with how clear my lungs feel, my house no longer stinks, my skin looks better and my hair smells fantastic.  Best of all, and the main reason for quitting this habit, my girls no longer have to breathe in the crap I was putting into their air.  Hmm, I suppose having more money in the old bank account is a huge plus, too. :)

Falling in love all over again ❤

A couple weeks ago, when on my way home with Allie from her vet appointment, I stopped to buy a carton of cigarettes and on my way out of the store, I heard someone calling out my name.  It was Megan, one of the physical therapists, who had been coming to my home in the early parts of 2012.  We spoke for a few minutes and she asked me about my kitties, so I told her I had lost Emmi Sue to kidney disease last month and she expressed her genuine sympathy.  What caught me by surprise was when Megan said "I've finished taking two Copaxone injections."  It took me a few moments to process what she had just said, but then I remembered that her sister (and I think also her aunt?) has MS and she had been concerned that she may also get it.  I didn't know what to say but extended my hand to her and told her that I am always here for her if she ever has any questions and to please, check my older blog posts!  Oh my goodness, I was actually quite devastated to hear this news from a very young woman and mother of three young boys.  Her youngest was just born in August 2012, and now this.  Megan, if you're reading this, please know that I'm thinking of you and you can call me anytime!

Jinger and Allie in 1998, looking out at their first snowfall.

I had actually started writing this post the day after my run-in with Megan but had lost my train of thought.  So many things have been going through my mind and I haven't been able to process any of it enough to put it down, yet the last few days have been eye-opening for me.  For the first time in my life, I'm finally getting to know my "kittens" for who they are, and I love it!  I'm not sure if Allie and Jinger's personalities are changing or adapting to the loss of Emmi Sue or if they just now feel they can be more themselves, but these changes are so endearing.

I've learned that Jinger, who never seemed to enjoy being held in my arms, actually loves it!  I'm not sure if she saw me holding Emmi Sue so often that she became jealous and now wants the same attention she had been getting, but I love holding Jinger and rubbing her furry chin and neck.  Jinger has the sweetest gurgle-purr ever!

My beautiful Jinger, laying back and relaxing.

Allie, on the other hand, is goofier, more outgoing and social, sillier and loving than ever before.  It's as if she's finally coming out of her shell, to some extent, and I love seeing her beautiful personality emerging for the world to see.

I can safely say that I'm falling in love with my kittens all over again!  Yes, they are my eternal kittens since I adopted them at 7½ weeks.  It's unreal to think that they are already 14½ years old!  The most wonderful thing is that, aside from Jinger's hyperthyroidism, both are in perfect health.  Allie's lab results were basically "boring," according to our vet, which is wonderful.  Boring is great sometimes!

My silly Allie, being her goofy, adorable, crazy little self!

So that is my life as of late.  I've mostly been home, as usual, but have been enjoying my babies in new ways.  I'm learning more about them and loving (almost) every moment of it!  OK, Jinger's wanting to be in my arms can get somewhat annoying from time to time, but I adore her with all my heart so she can beg-meow all she wants.  Mommy will always give in and hug her close.

As difficult as it may be to accept, life does go on......

It seems like a million years since I last wrote but I feel it's time to move on to more subjects than my Emmi Sue, although she is always foremost on my mind.  Today was Allie's first visit to our vet, Dr. Carolyn Ecker.  I was eager for her and her staff to meet my shiest little girl, and the one I consider the youngest.  Here is how my mind works.  When I adopted Jinger and Allie, Jinger weighed 1¼ lbs., while Allie only weighed one pound, so based on their weight is how I decided Allie was the youngest of my twin babies.  Yes, I know how ridiculous this is, but I had to mentally choose the order of birth, and it's how I did it.  Tah dah, I was as insane 14½ years ago as I am today!

Mommy and Allie back in 1999 when she wasn't even one year old yet (and  I had a horrendous haircut!).

It was really no surprise to me when Dr. Ecker confessed to me that of my three girls, Allie is her absolute favorite.  Allie has always been the most gentle of my girls, and the way she meows sounds like a soft melody she is singing for me.  Dr. Ecker also praised me on how well Allie appeared.  From the way she looked, she would have never guessed her age as her body doesn't have the typical hanging belly most older cats seem to get (Jinger doesn't have this either), her fur is thick and not matted in the least (despite my not being able to brush her anymore), her eyes are bright and her teeth and gums looked extremely healthy.  Yay!  I'll have the results of her full labs tomorrow afternoon so then I'll be able to breathe in a full sigh of relief, but I feel Allie is in perfect health and will be with me for many years to come.

I have to say that after today's vet appointment, I think I may be recovering a bit more after Emmi Sue's passing.  Holding Allie in my arms as I did at the office, I felt like such a "mom," and I haven't felt this way in ages.  Ugh, it really isn't fair of me to say this since Jinger cries for me to hold her a few times each day and night, but somehow, it's not the same thing.  Allie was frightened and needed me to hold her so she could dig her sweet little face in my arm.  I needed to protect her and really take care of my baby, and I miss being so needed.  

I think I need to reevaluate things with Jinger, though.  She cries and cries for me to hold her and while I do take the time to do this, I'm somehow annoyed at her far too often.  I shouldn't be feeling this way towards my baby girl, especially when I can't even fall asleep unless Jinger is snuggled in my arms as she spoons against my chest.  I'm spending far too much time being sad and miserable to see the fantastic girls I have in my life and I only hope I'm not hurting them (mostly Jinger) in the process.  Jinger is the only reason I will not adopt another cat at this time, no matter how much I may want to do this.  She is still utterly depressed and not knowing what her new place is, so how could I even consider bringing another baby into our home?  Hell no!  My two girls come first in my life but I really need to start showing Jinger how much I absolutely adore her, rather than just say it here in my blog.

One of Jinger's favorite things to do is jump in the empty laundry basket when I'm doing the wash.  I leave it out for her, in the hallway, so she can jump in and out to her heart's content!

On another subject, a few months back I had written that there was a possibility that I, too, may have some kidney damage.  Luckily, all tests showed that this is not the case but my right foot and ankle are STILL swollen beyond belief.  I've had numerous tests, a Dopplar Ultrasound of the right leg, and still nothing is conclusive.  My general physician put me on a "pee" pill in December, with little results.  He switched me to another this month but I'm not seeing any results as of yet.  His other recommendation has been to try compression socks, but I'm afraid those may aggravate my MS, as anything tight usually does.  It may be my final option, so I'll keep holding my breath for these pills to work, but I'm not feeling too hopeful.  Tight damn socks, I believe I'll be trying you out soon!