Tuesday, April 10, 2012

MS.. through the pain, I find inspiration

I had intended writing on a completely different subject earlier today but pain has a funny way of altering my way of thinking.  I don't know what is happening to me lately and I'm glad I'm going to my neurologist's office tomorrow for my 5th Tysabri infusion so I can, hopefully, snag him for a few moments to ask him if anything can be done about my current situation.

In a previous post, I had jokingly mentioned that my body tends to lean to the left but while I was in the shower early this evening, there are no words in existence to describe the pain and discomfort I felt.  I found myself leaning so far over to the left and any adjustments I attempted to make left me screaming in pain with tears streaming down my cheeks as I clutched to the grab bar to keep from falling.  I should have placed my shower chair back in there but I thought I would be fine.  Wrong decision!  I need to stop assuming I'm doing better than I am and accept my MS is killing me at the moment and not do more than I should be doing.  Now, less that two hours later, I'm still leaning to the side so dramatically that I'm afraid I will fall out of my computer chair and the pain is becoming more severe with each passing moment.  I can feel the spasms in my hips, pelvis and back and I just want to yell at the top of my lungs that I've had enough but there's no point in screaming as it will only frighten my girls and probably make me hurt more.  I just need a moment of peace from the aching.
I saw the above picture on Facebook today and what a perfect day to see it!  It really is just a bad day, or series of days, but it's not a bad life.  The pain is just terribly intense but it will pass and I know this from experience.  Even spending time writing in this blog distracts my mind enough that I forget the intensity of the pain for at least a few moments and for this, I'm very grateful.  So to all of you whom I've never met but read my words, I sincerely thank you.  If it were not for you, I wouldn't feel the need to write as often as I do and you are, in your own way, saving my sanity and giving me a reason to maintain my positive thinking during a time when the MS is attacking me harder than I wish to admit.  I choose to be open and honest in my writing as this is how I am in my every day life, so I do not pretend I feel great when I am unwell.  Yet knowing many others with MS depend on me to be strong, gives me added incentive to find positive energy within myself and keep moving forward because I am no longer invisible.  I am no longer a "nobody."  I have a small audience who rely on me to fight this battle and wish me the best, as I'm sure you do, and I do not take this lightly.  I never thought I could touch as many people as I have and I thank you for giving me this opportunity.  Without knowing who you are, I love each and every one of you and hope you are doing well, no matter what stage of MS you may be in or what ever your life situation may be.

And there you have it.  All of you inspire me on a daily basis to keep fighting this demon called MS and also my depression.  You help me find my way when I may feel somewhat defeated.  On top of having my wonderful parents, my brothers, my amazing little kitties, a few fantastic friends and a loving family.. you are also on my list of those who inspire me.  Hugs to all of you! :)

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