Waiting for a moment when I can finally breathe

I haven't written much about my MS lately and it's not that it hasn't been affecting me, but when one's children aren't doing well, even if my children are cats, they truly do become the priority.

After the stress of taking Jinger and Emmi Sue to our new veterinarian this past Friday, I have not been able to relax for more than a few minutes.  When I don't see Emmi Sue anywhere nearby, I become panicked and start calling out her name over and over again until she finally comes out of hiding.  I'm literally driving myself crazy with worry and probably making her upset in the process, yet she's still being relatively clingy, at least in the evenings.  During the day, she knows I look for her so I can give her oral medications and administer the subcutaneous fluids, but I also just want to hug and hold her close to my heart.  I'm very concerned as Emmi Sue was less interested in eating as much as usual yesterday, but hopefully, she'll be back to wanting to eat a bit more today.  To be honest, as much as I need to hear what the vet will tell me she found out in the lab results when she calls later this afternoon, I dread learning the results for both Jinger and Emmi Sue.

One thing I've learned during the last week and a half since my parents have been out of the country, is that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit.  No one has been here to hold my hand as I've been dealing with many difficult moments with my beloved kitties.  It's all been about me and my babies, without much outside influence, so this shows me that I need to rely on myself more and depend on others less.  I can do more than I thought I could.  Even when it comes to driving, I've proven to myself that I can do it!  If there's much walking once I arrive somewhere, well, that's the exception for me.  There's no reason to exhaust myself since being tired is when my right leg stops functioning and makes driving absolutely impossible.

The pain in my back, pelvis and hips has been off the charts lately, but I'm sure much of it is due to my not seeing my chiropractor since my parents left on vacation earlier this month.  Had I realized I was able to drive, I would have made a few appointments in their absence but there isn't anything I can do about it now.  Perhaps I'll schedule one for Thursday as the pain is becoming unbearable.  

Aside from this "usual" pain, I seem to be retaining an extortionate amount of fluids as my ankles and feet are huge!  Even when I was getting dressed yesterday and putting on one of my more comfy, looser bras, I was barely able to put it on.  Of course, this prompted me to weigh myself and I was shocked at what I saw!  The scale showed me at 12 lbs. more than just one week ago, which is completely insane.  Each day, I drink one cup of coffee and eat one 8 oz. Greek yogurt for breakfast (around 11 am or noon).  That's all I eat until around 6 or 7 pm, aside from drinking maybe a diet 7up and/or a bottle of water.  I admit that I have not been drinking enough water lately so I have made a point to drink much more today, but the number on the scale upset me quite a bit.  I mean, later in the day I still don't eat very much as I do not allow myself to purchase sugar-filled foods or junk types of items, so what has happened?  With my girls not feeling well, I've hardly had an appetite at all, but I think my lack of drinking water is the culprit so I'm trying to hydrate myself as my sausage legs are sickening to look at.  I miss looking down and seeing my bony feet and ankles!

I have also noticed my emotions less that stable this past month and it is worrying me.  With my next appointment with psychiatrist a couple weeks away, I'm not allowing myself to get too worked up about anything, but I'm sure she will be adding another medication to the one I am already taking.  The stress, worry, anxiety I've been under is getting to me and I don't need to have a break-down at a time when my sweet babies need me to be extremely focused.  Honestly, the last thing in the world I want is to lose my grip as their health and well-being is in my hands, as I am their mother.  I hardly take this responsibility lightly so I need to make sure I'm at the top of my game for them, if not for me, but I happen to like being well.  I just need to stay focused on them, what's best for them and me, and I'm sure things will fall into place, but this has been a very stressful time in our lives.  I only hope I can hold it together as things with Emmi Sue and Jinger's health may become more challenging, before they finally level off and we can coast along peacefully and I'm finally able to take a deep breath and exhale without too much worry.

On the road again.. anything for my girls!

I could not have foreseen the day I had, no matter how far I would have stretched my imagination!  As I mentioned last night, my Jinger has been throwing up quite a bit lately but when it happened again earlier today (four times in less than 10 minutes), I began to panic.  With Jinger already dealing with hyperthyroidism for a few years now, the last thing we need is for it to get worse or for another condition to arise.  I think I hesitated for all of 2 seconds before calling the new veterinary clinic to ask if they had received the fax from my current vet.  I figured that if they had, maybe they could squeeze us in today or, perhaps, tomorrow.  Even though they had not gotten the fax yet, this didn't stop the lady on the phone from asking if I could bring both Jinger and Emmi Sue in by 4pm (it was already 3:00).  I had not expected her to say this, but without hesitation I said yes, we'd be there!  This meant I would drive them myself, but I was ready to tackle the road as it was a kitty emergency and I felt my legs were strong enough to handle the task.

After meeting her and some of her staff, I'm positive my girls have a new veterinarian in Dr. Ecker.  She seems quite young but very knowledgeable and complimented me on the care I've given my girls.

With Jinger, Dr. Ecker was concerned as many times hyperthyroidism can lead to even bigger problems, such as kidney disease.  What?  Her, too???  Because of this and her needing to check Jinger's thyroid function, she did a full blood panel and the results will be in next Tuesday.

My beautiful, sweet baby Jinger

Then there's my Emmi Sue.  Dr. Ecker and I spoke for some time about this baby of mine as she looked over the full lab results I took with me from September 5, and the partial labs from September 25 and October 9.  As she took in the information on the papers in front of her and listened to what I told her, she agreed that Emmi Sue was in need of potassium supplements, something the previous vet felt was unnecessary.  She was also very concerned at how high my baby's creatinine, calcium and PCV have remained, even with treatment.  I am confident that with Dr. Ecker's help, we'll bring Emmi Sue's numbers closer to normal in no time, as she seems very proactive, understanding and wanting to face her illness head-on in a far more aggressive manner than the other vet had been.  As with Jinger, our new vet did a full blood panel on Emmi Sue and those results will also be ready on Tuesday.

As I was leaving the office, the fax came through from the other vet, so Dr. Ecker will have time to look over Jinger and Emmi Sue's medical history before their follow up appointment next Friday.  Luckily, my parents will be home from their vacation in Mexico next Thursday, so they should be able to drive us to the appointment, otherwise I guess I can do it on my own.  The truth is that I enjoyed being on the road again, but it was also a bit much as I was driving during one of the busiest times of the day and since I took two of my girls, I was forced to put them in the large kennel.  I much prefer the individual carrier since it is safer for them, not to mention easier for me to carry, but being that I only have one such carrier, I had no choice today.  Perhaps when my parents arrive home we can go to Petco and purchase another individual carrier so I will be able to seat belt both girls in the back seat next time I need to take both in at the same time.

Even without knowing the results of their blood work and not having gained any instant knowledge from the vet appointment, I felt such relief and a sense of calming wash over me almost immediately.  I know I took a step in the right direction in taking Emmi Sue and Jinger to this new clinic today.

♥Allie, Jinger and Emmi Sue-- you are my life and my heart and I love you more than you will ever know♥
~~ Your Mommy ~~

By the time I arrived home, ugh, I cannot even put into words how exhausted I was, both physically and mentally.  I'm always amazed at how forgiving pet-children are after they are somewhat traumatized at the veterinarian's office.  My girls know I'm the one who took them there, I'm sure they're know I'm aware of the tests they had done to them, yet they still leap back into my arms as soon as they can.  How is that they can be so perfectly forgiving and also understand that I would never mean them any harm, even though they are subjected to poking and prodding during examinations?  Sure, Jinger tends to fight back much less than Emmi Sue while at the vet's office but honestly, I think I'd be more like Emmi Sue if I didn't understand what was happening to me!  Oh, how I love my girls and their undying love and trust they have in me.

Hoping for less stress.. new vet, here we come!

My life has been anything but stress-free lately, especially on days I take Emmi Sue to the veterinarian.  When I took her in on Tuesday for the vet to teach me how to syringe feed her, the vet was surprised as she had no idea she was supposed to show me how to do this.  What?!  But we had discussed this on the phone!  I have watched a few videos online on how to do this, but I was hoping for firsthand instruction since my little girl can be a bit difficult when doing such things to her.  I was extremely upset and horribly frustrated.

Even when the vet first approached me in the waiting room, she thought I had only brought Emmi Sue in to be weighed, and nothing could be further from the truth.  I needed some blood work done to see how well (or not) she was doing since beginning her medications.  She seemed quite adamant about doing this but finally did so after much insistence from me, but I shouldn't have to demand care for my cat each time I take her in.  I also had a few questions written down and was not satisfied with her answers.  As I'm sure most of you have realized by now, if I don't know something, I take it upon myself to do some research and find the answers.  Of course, I've done this with Emmi Sue's chronic kidney disease (CKD), too.

I recently joined a sort of online support group for CKD and other cat illnesses.  I've been amazed with the knowledge these members (especially the leaders) have!  When I mentioned the amount of subcutaneous fluids (150 cc's) I give Emmi Sue and the high dosage of aluminum hydroxide she was prescribed, most of the members of this group were shocked beyond belief, causing me to wonder if our vet has any idea what she is doing.  My baby barely weighs 7 lbs. and perhaps these amounts are fine for a larger kitty, but my baby is tiny!  This got me wondering about many things and inspired me to search online for other local animal clinics and have found one that is a fully equipped clinic/hospital only 20-some minutes from me and have an appointment for both Emmi Sue and Jinger next Friday.  I would take them in sooner but my parents will not arrive home from Mexico until next Thursday, so this is the soonest I'm able to get them in.  Jinger began vomiting excessively a couple days ago (four times in one day), so I would like her looked at also.  She has had hyperthyroidism for a few years and it's time for her check-up anyway.

 This is why I do what I do.  I am my girls' voice!  If I don't speak up for them, who will?

What sold me on this clinic was how upset the lady from the clinic became when I was explaining to her (on the phone) the way my current vet has been treating me and my Emmi Sue.  I explained how our vet seems to believe my little girl is (gulp) already dead and is not going out of her way to do much for her.  This is NOT acceptable!  I can't believe it took me so long to react but after what happened this past Tuesday (and how depressed I became AGAIN because of her behavior), I could no longer sit idly by and allow this to continue.  My children deserve a doctor who will value their lives and work to save them!  This lady on the phone informed me that they have treated many cats with CKD and they've lived for many years.  THAT IS WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!  CKD is not an instant death sentence, but our current vet made me feel as if we're fighting against death from the day we came home that first day.  Well, no more of this negative crap!  Yes, I know Emmi Sue is 15½ years old so in all reality, she probably won't live another 10 years, but she WILL live at least a few more years and they will be happy ones.  You can be sure of that.

Being alone can be frightening at times

For the first time in a long time, I'm a little intimidated at living on my own.  It isn't anyone's fault that things have gone the way they have, as they just happened this way by coincidence.  My parents decided, a few weeks ago, to take a trip with some very close friends to Mexico City for a week and a half.  They left yesterday and will not be home until Thursday, October 18.  My brother left for Mexico a few weeks ago so they will all meet up and spend time together, which should be a lot of fun for them.

The part that has me freaking out a bit is that since my wonderful friend Dorraine was in the hospital last week, she is in no condition to help me out any time soon.  In an emergency, I can't call her to come over and this has me somewhat frightened.

The agency Dorraine works for is sending a new person to help me out throughout the week, but it's not a daily thing and it is nothing like having a close friend over every day.  I'm not complaining that the homemakers, as they are called, have not been helpful, but I miss my friend!

I am also concerned about something.  The lady who's coming out to my home Tuesday and Thursday lives near me but I need her to go to my pharmacy to pick some medications up.  Will this be an extra trip for her or will it be alright?  Dorraine never minded as she had a client in the same city as my pharmacy is located before coming to my home, but what if it's an issue with this other lady?  I'm sure it won't be a problem but I really hate asking anyone for favors such as this, even if it is considered part of their job.  Ugh, I'm sure I'm making far too much of an issue of this but when you can't rely on yourself to do things outside of your own home, you feel at the mercy of pretty much everyone.

I'm sure, after I call the agency tomorrow, I'll learn that there is no problem in this new lady picking up my prescriptions so I have no reason to stress over this, but hey, this is how I am.  I worry over small things until I know it can be resolved.

OK, so the good news is that my Emmi Sue continues to do well with her medications and the subcutaneous sodium chloride infusions I give her twice daily.  Tuesday is her next vet appointment so her labs will give me the full story on her true condition.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for my baby!

Dorraine is recovering and good news on little Miss Em

I'm very happy to report that Dorraine should be returning home from the hospital tomorrow.  I spoke with her daughter earlier today (yes, technically, it was yesterday) and she informed me of this as I have chosen not to call Dorraine directly so as not to disturb her, in case she is sleeping.  I was so relieved to hear this as I have been extremely concerned for my dear friend.  Hopefully, now she will be on the road to a full recovery, or at least back to a semi-normal life once again.

Yesterday, my parents took me to the veterinarian's office so I could pick up a case of cat food for Emmi Sue.  There were 24 cans of renal diet approved "wet" cat food waiting for me and all I could think was "I sure hope my baby will eat this!"  To my absolute surprise, and delight, once I liquefied her food in the blender, Emmi Sue devoured it.  The reason I needed to do this to the food is that when I serve any wet, chunky food as is, my girls tend to bypass chewing it enough and, well, they can't hold it down for more than a few minutes.  Also, I need to do all I can to hydrate Emmi Sue in any way possible, so I add quite a bit of water to the food before blending it.  Anyway, she gobbled it up as if she hadn't eaten in ages!  I was thrilled that she liked the flavor as this will be the food I will use when I need to syringe feed her.  Oh, and I was mistaken as to when that appointment is scheduled.  That one isn't until next Tuesday, the day I will also have her blood work done.

Life for me has taken on a whole new "look," for lack of a better word, since my little girl became ill.  If anyone ever doubted my sincerity when I call my kitties my children, I'm sure they can see how very serious I am now.  They are my absolute priority, with only my parents coming before them.  I do recognize my babies are cats and if my parents are in dire need of my assistance, they do take precedence.

My parents were at my house today and Mom watched as I gave Emmi Sue her subcutaneous fluids, and was amazed at how calm my baby was while I did this.  I'm sure it's very uncomfortable and annoying to be stuck twice daily, but she's been so good about it.  I hadn't expected my Emmi Sue to be so good about receiving this treatment, knowing how feisty and downright bitchy she can be!  After the first two times, I thought it would be a battle each time but it has been anything but difficult.  I love you, Emmi Sue. ♥

Some of my MS friends on Facebook have reminded me to make sure I take care of myself so my MS doesn't flare-up, especially with all the stress I have been under.  It means so much to me that they are concerned about me but the truth is that I no longer feel too stressed (keeping my fingers crossed for it to remain this way) and things have fallen into a nice, easy routine.  I will admit, however, that my hands have gotten terribly numb and my fingers are have lost so much feeling that the ones on my left hand feel extreme pain.  I'm not sure if this is from stress or not, but I'm choosing not to worry about it.  Also, today (yes, I men Tuesday) was the first day when I felt completely run-down pretty much the entire day.  The moment Mom walked into my home, it only took a quick glance for her to know I didn't have enough energy to go to the store, as we had planned to do after dinner.  I know it had a lot to with how poorly I have been eating lately as I haven't had the energy to prepare anything, even though most of the meals I have at home are quick, microwaveable meals.  I just haven't had the energy nor the inspiration to eat much the last few weeks.  I need to think of myself a bit more so I can take care of my girls, as they need me strong enough to handle all of this!

Dorraine and Emmi Sue.. two ladies I love who are unwell

It seems my MS has been the last thing on my mind lately and it will probably remain this way for quite some time.  When a loved one, or loved ones, are terribly ill their needs become the priority.

My dear friend, Dorraine, has been in the hospital for a few days and does not seem to be getting any better.  I won't go into any details as I haven't cleared it with her to do so, but at least my parents were able to take me to spend time with her.  I was with her almost the entire day and evening Saturday, and it pained me to see her so frail and fighting to breathe.  I hope she will be better soon and I plan to spend a few hours with her again tomorrow.

As for my Emmi Sue, she had a follow-up appointment this past Tuesday, which my mom drove me to, and it was worse than the initial one when she was diagnosed with CKD (chronic kidney disease).  The vet weighed Emmi Sue (she was down to 7 lbs.) and drew some blood to run a few tests, which she analyzed in the office rather than doing a full panel which would have taken a couple days.  The results were heartbreaking as her numbers were through the roof.  After I recovered enough to ask a few questions, the doctor told me that Emmi Sue has a few weeks or maybe up to a month to live.  I lost it after hearing that.  I could not stop crying.  She did not even offer to make a follow-up appointment but instead suggested I bring Emmi Sue in anytime I wished to have her weighed, but since I wasn't thinking straight, I was fine with this.  It wasn't until Wednesday evening, while I was in the shower crying, that I realized I needed to stop crying and start doing all I could to prolong my baby's life!

The moment I left dried myself off and put a robe on, I headed to my computer and started researching a few things and learned that CKD is not an immediate death sentence if I don't wish it to be.  I am giving her all her medications and will take Emmi Sue in on Tuesday to learn to syringe feed her if/when she has a day/days when she refuses to eat.  I will NOT allow my baby girl to let go just yet!  Through my love and stubbornness, along with the fight I see in my little girl, I've seen Emmi Sue behaving more like her old self these last couple days.  She is NOT ready to give up and neither am I.  Even giving her subcutaneous fluids is no longer an ordeal as we have a bit of a routine and she allows me to stick her and administer the fluids without much difficulty.  She's such a trouper!  The only time I've cried over Emmi Sue in the last few days has been when she ate all of her food and when she started howling her horrible sounding meow, which is now ♫♪ music ♪♫ to my ears!  My little girl is a fighter and honestly, so am I and we will get through this for as long as her tiny body will allow.  She is not done living! ♥

Not only do we have this appointment so I can learn to syringe feed her, but I have another one scheduled a week from this Tuesday for Emmi Sue to have a full panel of lab work.  I want to be on top of everything with her at all times.  I am not ready to give up on my little girl and I am going to make sure our veterinarian understands this.  Emmi Sue still has a lot of life left in her and I am much stronger than our vet has any idea.  I will fight for my child until I have nothing left in me and believe me, I have a lot of fight left and so does Emmi Sue!

My high school reunion and Emmi Sue keeps getting weaker

I've had far too many things on my mind the last few days so I'll do my best to make some sense in this post.  The most important thing, of course, has been my Emmi Sue.  She is not doing well and I have been going out of my mind trying to keep her going.  After her vet appointment last Tuesday, I've been giving her subcutaneous fluids daily, which has been an experience in and of itself for both of us.  Her follow-up visit is scheduled for tomorrow morning for some blood work and I should learn the results by Thursday. I'm extremely concerned for my little girl as her weight continues to drop, even though one of the medications I give her is an appetite stimulant which doesn't seem to be helping too much.

I wish I could protect my Emmi Sue with such a force field!

A couple days ago, as Emmi Sue was laying in my arms, I had some music playing on my computer and the song "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley came on and I sang it to her as tears rolled down my face.  Every word I sang seemed to be written specifically for my little baby girl as I watched her tiny face and pretty eyes looking at me. 

Love Me Tender

Love me tender

Love me sweet

Never let me go.

You have made my life complete

And I love you so.

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

For my darlin' I love you

And I always will.

Love me tender

Love me long

Take me to your heart

For it's there that I belong

And we'll never part.

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

For my darlin' I love you

And I always will.

Love me tender

Love me dear

Tell me you are mine

I'll be yours through all the years

'Til the end of time.

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

For my darlin' I love you

And I always will. 

I know I'll never be able to listen to this song again without thinking of my Emmi Sue for as long as I live.  I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable but it's the most impossible task I have ever had to face.  I can deal with this stupid MS a million times over but losing one of my babies is killing me to such an extent that I have no words to describe this deep sorrow I have inside my heart.

During all this heartache I've been feeling, my 25-year high school class reunion came around this past Saturday.  I had been looking forward to it all year until I lost my ability to drive and then with Emmi Sue being as sick as she is, I put it out of my mind.  Then on Friday, I received a text from a friend/classmate asking me if I was going.  I gave him the lame excuse that I had nothing to wear but he wouldn't accept this as a reason to not attend, so I decided to go after my parents offered to not only drive me to the event, but also grandkitty sit for me that evening.  I have to admit that I desperately needed a few hours away from the stress of being at home, even though it hurts to even type those words out.

My high school graduation picture (1987)

Going to my class reunion was wonderful, though extremely exhausting.  I'm sure my experience was completely different than that of most of my former classmates as the truth is, I didn't have any real "friends" in attendance.  I say that only because the people I had considered my closest friends did not go, but that was not really much of a surprise to me.  I was in one of the shiest groups in high school but at my 15-year reunion, I realized they hadn't changed over the years but I had.  Why were they still sitting in the corner?  No one was putting them there anymore, they were.  I'm not the same person, in fact, I'm ridiculously outgoing and honest and will not be stopped from being who I am for anybody!  And.. I love who I am!  Now, I consider pretty much everyone in Alleman High School's Class of 1987 my friends.  And why shouldn't I?  They are all people, just like me.  Sure, they all moved on with their lives in extremely different ways than I, and I am so happy that they have not suffered the same disability I have, but we are still united.  That's the one thing I love about having gone to a smaller school, even though it was a Catholic high school!  I had a class with everyone except TWO people in those four years.  We all knew every one in attendance and that's what made it so spectacular.

Having gone to Catholic school all my life, someone had the presence of mind to round up all of who survived St. Anne's grade school and junior high and we had a group photo and I loved that so much.  Being that I haven't asked anyone's permission, I am choosing not to name anyone, but that's me, second from the end on the right hand side in the pink top.  Ahh, the memories we shared from the 1st grade on up through the 12th grade!

I am still completely physically exhausted from the reunion but loved every minute of it.  I can't wait for the next one!  The number of people who showed up was astounding and shows how much we all wanted to catch up and share laughs, smiles and new experiences.

OK, but now it's time to get back to reality and my sweet little girl.  I only hope the vet and I can do more for her as my heart cannot take much more of this worrying.  I need Emmi Sue to get stronger.  For my darlin' I love you... and I always will.♥